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A Nun having a bath

There is a knock at the door. "Who is it" she asks.
"Blind man" comes the reply
Thinking no harm can come from this she says "OK come in"
Guy comes in. "Nice tits" he says "Where do you want me to hang the blind"?

Studies have shown that cigarettes can harm children...

...may need to start using an ashtray.

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy....

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

Warning: some trivial animal harm

In honor of my giant bald spot I saw today: Once there was a priest who had a highly trained parrot. The bird would sit on a perch at the entrance to the sanctuary during weddings. When guests arrived, he would squawk ,"bride's side or groom's side?", then would fly down to the correct pew and pe...

They say in every friend group, 1 person is likely to commit murder.

I killed the guy I suspected before they could do any harm.

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it lik...

Someone knocked on my door.

"Who's there?" I asked.

"Police," replied two men.

I asked them what they wanted. "We need to investigate your property for cannabis."

"I haven't got any," I said. "Now be on your way."

"Sir," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"

"Because you might find ...

Scientists say cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

I tried incubating some chicks but turns out my rooster is sterile.

Oh well.
No harm, no fowl.

I had a friend that used to self-harm when he was bullied...

I used to think "whose side are you on?"

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

What do you call it when a couple think that smoking while pregnant doesn’t harm the baby?

A mis-conception

I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive, reckless and harmful.

I take my kids to the doctor so that they can vaccinate them instead.

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

They just passed a new law preventing a spouse from harming individuals when they are caught cheating.

As they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

Recycled joke material is more harmful than cigarettes

I've seen the laughter of an entire audience die out from second-hand joke.

Donald Trump is enacting tariffs on $200bn of Chinese goods, harming consumers like me.

I'm tariffied.

Did you hear about the car which caused physical harm to another car?

It got charged with battery.

There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "1 will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answere...

To people struggling with self harm

Don't beat yourself up over it

A teacher got fed up with a student for procrastinating so she presented him with a study showing how putting things off can be harmful.

He responded “Thanks. I’ll read it tomorrow”

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A fisherman is out fishing on a lake when he hears far off in the distance a man yelling “help me help me”...

At first he decides to ignore it. But then hears the man yell “ help me, I’m a wizard, if you help me I’ll grant you any wish you want”

So he rows over to help him and pulls him onto his boat.

“Thanks” says the man “now I can grant you three wishes”

*I wish I had a giant mansion...

A Rabbi gets a message from God to travel and ...

Spread his message. So the Rabbi sets out on his donkey and after many day and nights he sees a signpost that says

"TRIDIA 100 miles"

The Rabbi had never heard of this place before so he decided to go there. As he got closer to the town he heard loud thumps in the distance. As he got ...

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

What’s the difference between a hot girl and a mouse?

One charms the he’s and the other harms the cheese.

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

Smoking seriously harms you and others around you

So smoke casually for the sake of public health

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The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“Youve got to be joking” said the man
“Just do it. Trust me” said the bartender

The man shrugged. What could be the harm in eating an apple anyway? He took a satisfying crunch from the...

There was a Self-Harming With Glass contest in my town...

The winner was clear-cut.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

My uncle Fred used to say " What you can't hear can't harm you"

*used to*

He was killed by ninjas.

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

9 out of 10 doctors say dying is harmful to your health.

So did the other one.

Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

Vaccines

Did you hear about Fred? He passed away.

Really? That's so sad. What happened?

He got vaccinated yesterday and died this morning.

Oh, no. I knew that vaccines were harmful. It killed him!

Actually, he got hit by a car, a Mercedes. So he died from the Benz.

You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment

He's already making snowflakes melt!

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

By the year 2020, the word "Silly" will be considered Harmful.

It will be replaced by "Seriously Challenged."

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

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A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

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A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace during WWII and...

...was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there w...

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

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But what do I do with the letters?

My psychotherapist once told me that I should write letters to the people that did me harm and then burn them. But what do I do with the letters?

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Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

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An American, a Russian, and a Chinese

An American, a Russian, and a Chinese each got stranded on an uninhabited island.

Just as they started to lose hope, God visits all three of them. And gave each of them a food supply good for 1 month, a dog and a task. Their task was to make the dog learn how to speak human language when he c...

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man comes...

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One day a woman is jogging in the park (NSFW)

As she runs past the pond she sees a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheelchair on the pier crying. Worried, she walks up to him and asks him what's wrong.

The man looks up at her sadly and says "It's because I've never been hugged." So the woman bends down, and gives him a giganti...

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Sailor has some balls

Two Generals of the Army and Marines are joined by an Admiral of the Navy around a campfire off the landing zone doing shots of rye whiskey when someone calls out and asks who’s got the most balls.

The Marine General goes all right and says, “Marine,” over the radio, “I want you to take that ...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

Left wing or Right wing, it doesn't really matter.

If either is harmed the plane will crash.

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

Sunscreen

Did you hear Steve Irwin's family is suing Coppertone?
He was wearing it, but it didn't protect him from harmful rays.

Hamsters are a lot like cigarretes.

Completely harmless until you light one on fire and put it in your mouth.

If you want this chicken you have to punch me as hard as you can in the face. I won't get mad.

No harm no fowl.

Jogging in the forest

A man is taking a jog in the forest. He realizes he is lost after a while and soon sees another man jogging in the forest. The first man asks the second man for directions, and the second man says, "Sure! I have a truck we can take into the city."

The first man agrees, thinking that the secon...

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given th...

I entered the new needfull things shop opened yesterday.

Me: Oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!

Spooky shopkeeper: Yes, I will warn you.. every item comes with a price.

Me: Yes, I know how shops work.

Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay.

Me: Yes, I know how US taxes work, too.

...

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

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At a bar out in Arizona, some guys from the city were having a few beers

when an old, grizzled cowboy rode in on a horse. This guy was classic. Looked like Sam Elliot as he tied up the horse and came in, sat down at the bar and said, "I'll have a whiskey."

The city guys at the table were laughing at the old cowboy, one of them asked, "Is that your horse, or your g...

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

John didn't wear the mask

**The dialog about John who didn't wear mask and regretted it and his friend**



\- John, put on your mask!

*- No! It's harmful.*

\- John put it on, what are you doing?

*- I ignore the masks*

\- John! Get out of here and don't ever come to a Halloween party l...

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A Couple Owns the Only Florist Shop in a Small Town

Being a small town, they obviously have 100% of the business. One day, a group of friars opens up a competing shop on the other side of town. The couple aren't too worried though, as they make a comfortable living as is.

A month goes by though and the friars prices are so competitive that the...

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

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Two nuns are painting their CONVENT

They closed the door and took off all their clothes so they wouldn't get paint on their garments. So they locked the door and continued.

A few minutes in they hear a knock at the door.

"who is it?", they called out.

"just the blind man", he replied.

They thought to ea...

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

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Three nuns were getting ready for bed,

Changing out of their robes and into nightgowns.

Halfway through undress, breast bare, they hear a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" calls the first nun.

"I'm the blind guy!"

The second nuns asks, "You're a blind guy?"

"Yes, I'm the blind guy!"

The third nun, ...

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