An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

Did you hear Disney is making Austin Powers into a Jedi?

It's called Obi-have

My friend asked me to explain dark humor to them

I pointed at a guy sitting on a park bench and said "See that guy with no hands on the bench? Tell him to clap".

They replied "Austin, you know I'm blind", to which I replied "Exactly"

I named my pet rock after a wrestler

Stone Called Steve Austin

What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary?

Oh bee HIVE!

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

I finally talked to my ex again after she ran off, and now I know where she's been.

Apparently she's been in Austin.

I wouldn't have pegged Austin as that kind of person, but apparently she did.

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling ...

A guy named Joe Smith

A guy named Joe Smith, from Muleshoe, Texas, claimed to know everybody, and a big Texas oilman challenged him when Joe says he knows the governor of Texas. The bet is on, and the oilman flies with Joe to Austin and the governor’s office. Joe tells the secretary he would like to have a word with the ...

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate...

...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

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Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

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A guy from New York, a guy from Los Angeles, and a guy from Austin, Texas are discussing the women where they're from...

The New York fellow slams his beer down and declares, "Where I'm from, all you need to do is walk up to a woman, buy her a beer, and you can stick your cock in her!"

"That's nothing!" says the Californian. "Where I'm from, you just walk up to a girl, say hi, and you can stick your cock in her...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

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Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

Redneck DUI

A routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eterni...

At 26 years old. I just learned

That the Austin Powers movies are James Bond spoofs.

TLDR: The joke is my life.

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

A Girl Named Texas

A girl named Texas lived with her brother Austin. The two had a father whose favorite knife of his was always left on the counter of his room. One day, Austin, being the little kid he is, grabs the knife and accidentally stabs Texas. The dad comes home from work a few hours later and sees his favor...

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Blond guy goes to a bar...

A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.

Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back...

Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial?

"If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers...."

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Men are from Mars. A Joke for the long Monday ahead.

http://austin.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/60286784.html source

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with ...

Four college friends

Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.<...

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TEXAS SURVIVOR

Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amari...

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