UPJOKE
californialos angelessan diegooaklandtampaorlandochicagohoustondallasbaltimoreclevelandalbuquerqueseattlemexicominneapolis

San Francisco Jokes

Halloween Joke

A cab driver picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot of...

A businessman walked into a bank in San Francisco and asked for the loan officer...

He told the officer that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer explained that the bank needed some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything ...

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.


“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”


The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't blondes wear mini skirts in San Francisco?

Their balls will show.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

Why did the non-binary prospector go to San Francisco in 1849?

'Cause there was gold in them/their hills!

My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

A San Francisco cop sees a well dressed man lying in the street by the curb...

... He asked the man "What happened to you?"

The man replied "My wife and I were walking down the street and found a parking space. She went to buy a car while I hold the space."

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown ,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown ?"

He walked int...

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

Best name for cured meat convention in San Francisco...

... Bay Con.

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great ...

Rube Goldberg was born in San Francisco, CA in 1883.

Those were simpler times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex after Surgery:

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford University Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corre...

If you drop your wallet in San Francisco

kick it to San Jose, before you pick it up.

2 blondes are sitting on a bench in San Francisco...

One of the blondes says to the other. "Hey, which one is closer; New York or the moon?". The other blonde laughs at the stupidity of the joke.

"Well, duh! Can you see New York from here?"

Did you hear about the albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco?

He was a super pallid Cali mystic, expert at hypnosis.

(Today I had wanted to tell someone the Gandhi joke I read on here the other day, but I couldn't remember it so I made this up and thought I may as well share it even though it's purely derivative.)

What do you call a Significant Other that lives in San Francisco?

A Bay-Bae

What do you call forty German naysayers from San Francisco?

The San Francisco Forty Neiners

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

A San Francisco cowboy and a Texas cowboy are riding their horses along the fence line...

So, a San Francisco cowboy and a Texas cowboy are riding their horses along the fence line. They're riding for a while when all of a sudden they come across a sheep who has its neck stuck in the fence.

The Texas cowboy gets all excited. "Oooo boy, look what we found! This is going to be GOOD...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

A mathematician was stopped in San Francisco by a cop for speeding.

The cop says, “Ma’am, you were going 25. But the speed limit in a dense neighborhood is 15 mph in California.”

“I’m sorry, Officer,” she says, “but you’re wrong. This isn’t a dense neighborhood.”

He looks around at the three-story Victorians crammed against each other and laughs. “It ...

Well, there's a least one positive thing about moving to San Francisco...

Your partner.

All the guys here in San Francisco are super nice.

They keep asking if they can push my stool in. Even when I'm already sitting down or there are no chairs around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man and his wife buy an RV to hit the road and see the world.

They stop at a gas station and the friendly attendant strikes up a conversation. He asks where they’re headed. The wife is hard of hearing so she asks what the man said and her husband tells her. Then the guy asks how far they’re planning to go. The wife again asks her husband what the man said and ...

A man comes across a genie who grants him one wish.

The man says, “I would really like a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii.”

The genie says, “That would be really difficult, with all the construction, engineering, not to mention the money such a bridge would require. I’m sorry, but is there anything simpler you would want?”

The man th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had sex in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have Chinaman Charlie out back if you...

After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback

I would have liked to have seen Montana.

There was a boy who grew up in San Francisco and he absolutely loved watching the street cars going up and down the streets.

His goal, when he grew up was to eventually drive those things. Before he even graduated high school, he applied to the street car driving school. He got accepted and once he graduated high school he headed off to training. After months of classes and tests, he was off to his first day of work as an...

What do the post office and the San Francisco 49ers have in common?

They don't deliver on Sunday

The Hiker With the Exotic Appetite

A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.

As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the...

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you do if you had a gun when someone tried to rob you?

An interviewer asks three men, a liberal from San Francisco, a conservative from Texas and Vladimir Putin what they would do if a man with a knife tried to rob them while they were armed with a gun.

Liberal from San Francisco: I would tell the robber I had a gun and they had better run away....

A sign on the Golden Gate Bridge reads: "Now entering San Francisco, chains required…

…whips optional"

Be Careful Doing Drugs in Utah

I recently moved to Utah from San Francisco, and wasn't paying attention once when I wanted to party. I got my LSD mixed up with LDS, and instead of taking a Trip, I ended up on a 2 year mission to Fiji.

I was in San Francisco. I took off in a lane next to a self driving car. The self driving car hesitated momentarily at the green light and the vehicle behind him honked at him. So i lowered my window and yelled,

"Oh C'mon! Give it a break! It's only ***Artifically*** Intelligent!"

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

A Hundred Dollar Story

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.
He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three shots

He does this every time he goes to the bar which was often. The bartender then asks him:

“I’m sorry sir, if you don’t mind me asking why do you always ask for three shots at the same time?”

The customer goes on to say: “well here is the thing, I’m one of three brothers, one lives in At...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sports Teams should be named for what their city is famous for

For example: Dallas is known for cowboys, San Francisco was the place for the miners, 49ers, to bring their gold and claims, Islignton was famous as being home of the Artillery Regiment, thus "Arsenal," Milwauke HAD brewing.

Washington should change their name to "Senators," and Cleveland cou...

A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine.

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubb...

I’m tired of people saying bears are like humans and that’s why you should care about the polar icecaps melting.

If bears were like humans they would be fine. The polar bears would steal land from the grizzly bears, have all the panda bears build them railroads. Send all the koala bears to Australia, all the gummy bears to San Francisco they’ll be fine. They’re start a country called Bearica and have a half bl...

A man dies, goes to heaven and meets up with St. Peter in his office

He notices a bunch of clocks and asks St. Peter:

-What are these clocks used for ?-

- Each one is a city in America. The faster it spins the more crime there is in that city. -

-Hold on where's San Francisco. -

-Oh I keep that one in my living room and use it as a fan

Banking

A Chinese laundryman living in San Francisco opens a savings account at the bank and goes regularly to deposit his profits.

After several months he has saved up a considerable sum. One day, he comes into the bank and says that he wants to withdraw all his money. The clerk is surprised, so the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is Santa Claus?

Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?

It's interesting how different parts of the country have different ways of saying the same thing.

For instance, in most parts of the country, having an income of $100k or more is called "making six figures".

However, here in San Francisco, we call that same thing "living above the poverty line".

Check my bags please!

So I checked in at the airport the other day and I said please check this bag to San Francisco and my second bag I would like to go to New York and I will be flying to Chicago today.

The representative behind the counter says, “I’m sorry but we can’t do that sir.”

I respond, “WTF that’...

Smart blonde joke

Whoah, I know. Here it is: so a blonde walks into a bank and asked to borrow a $500 loan. The bank needs some colleratal so she gives the bank her Rolls Royce. After a couple of months she comes back and promptly pays the loan back. The bank clerk asked why she borrowed the money if she could pay it...

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to H...

Three guys go hunting

The first guy, from Georgia, walks off from the hunting camp and returns an hour later with a deer.

The other two hunters ask him how he did it.

"Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer."

The second guy, from Alabama, walks off and returns with a bear.

The ot...

A world wide law for sailors

A new world wide law is issued for all the sailors in the world: they need to go and get all the children they conceived outside their marriage.

Stan, a sailor from San Francisco, came out to his wife and told her that besides the three children they had together, he has three more around the...

It's About Time

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.

In the driver's seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the ...

The Chinese immigrant

There's an old Chinese guy in my hometown who goes by Giacomo Antonelli. One day, I asked him how he ended up with an Italian name. He said that when he came to the US, he somehow got on the wrong ship and ended up traveling the long way from China to New York instead of San Francisco. The guy in fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...

Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's right

Half dressed redneck couple were sitting on couch watching news on TV, with the man's arm around the woman. The man says "Look at them homosexuals ruinin' the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man and one woman. Ain't that r...

COLONOSCOPY

I was feeling nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy. On a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco. I was convinced that the beautiful nurses were allegedly more gentle and accommodating there.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, ...

What paper do you read?

The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country.
The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country.
The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country.
The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and ...

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Raider Hater

A little girl has her first day in a new school after moving from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

The teacher asks the class “How many of you are Charger fans?”

The whole class raises their hands except for the little girl.

Teacher asks “What is your favorite team?”

“The Ni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kid and the bussdriver

So a kid gets on the bus in downtown San Francisco, he takes the seat closest to the driver. He then proceeds to talk loudly out in to the air saying: If my mother was a mummy bear and my daddy was a daddy bear i would be a baby bear. The bussdriver looks at him and thinks "mmkay...?". The kid keeps...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So one day, I'm crossing the road...

and all of a sudden, a huge chicken starts walking beside me and introduces itself by saying "Hi, I'm Chicken Hu". I'm thinking "Holy shit, a talking chicken". I ask Chicken, I say "Hi Chicken, where are you from?". He says, "I was born in San Francisco". Surprised, I say "No, but where are you actu...

She can't sleep (really long)

credit: Bill Moen, an 80's San Francisco Bay Area radio personality. Stuck with me for decades, I can still hear his voice telling it:

A couple are in bed and in the middle of the night she wakes up and gets to thinking and now can't sleep. Her husband turns over and she figures he's awake to...

California Day

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting item...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.