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Miami Jokes

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

Two ants had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year, when one ant gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other ant asked him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first ant says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other ant says, "That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I d...

A newlywed couple spent their first honeymoon night in an expensive Miami Beach hotel

Next morning the groom called room service and ordered a breakfast of bacon and eggs for himself, and a lettuce leaf for his wife. The clerk asked, “Would the lady care for anything else?” The husband replied “Not right now. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit, too”

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flea is getting some sun on Miami beach...

...when another flea comes along. The second flea is freezing cold, shivering. He explains, "I'm from Vermont. I caught a ride in the mustache of a guy, who came down by motorcycle. I froze my tiny flea balls off the whole way. Even in this sun I am chilled to the bone."

The first flea replie...

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."


She told me, "We can't do that!"


I told her, "Well you did it last week!"


- Henny Youngman

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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

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The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

Where did Miami International Airport go?

It went MIA

I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards

I'd call it Miami Vice Versa

What’s the difference between Miami and the Lost City of Atlantis?

A couple of years.

Two hicks get on a plane from Saskatoon to Miami

About one hour into the flight there's an announcement made by the pilot "Hello this is your pilot speaking, 1 of our 4 engines failed, no need to panic, we're going to have a delay." After another hour a second announcement is made "Hello, another one of our four engines has failed, again, no need ...

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.


Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.

Why did the Celtics go to Miami?

To beat the Heat!

The night bus is on the highway from New York to Miami.

A man trying to sleep is annoyed by a woman switching places between seat 8 and seat 14 every ten minutes.

The man: Excuse me mam, what are you doing?

The woman: It is my husbands fault. He said, if I book two seats I would sleep more comfortable.

Two blondes are driving to Miami for spring break

On a long boring stretch of highway they start complaining about how long it's taking to get there and the driver asks "What do you think is further away, Florida or the moon?" The passenger replies "Oh my God, you give blondes such a bad name. I can't believe how stupid you are, you can't even see ...

A Miami man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Miami.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then go...

How much did it cost the Miami Heat to lose their spot in the 2021 NBA playoffs?

10-15 Bucks.

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A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whi...

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As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi..... FUCKING SHIT!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: "I ...

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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

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Two elderly Jewish strangers are standing at adjacent urinals

In a kosher deli in Miami Beach.
Abe: "You're from Brooklyn, aren't you?"

Eli (startled and puzzled) "Yes, but how..."
Abe: "And you attended Temple Beth Shalom, right?"

Eli: "That's remarkable!"

Abe: "And you were circumcised by Rabbi Boronofski, right?"

Eli: "This...

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

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A 25-year-old Jewish girl.....

..... tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without ans...

Business competitors

Two friendly competitors in the NY garment center go on vacation to Miami Beach. Saul is not a good swimmer and goes out too far from the beach and realizes he is in trouble. He yells for Herbie who dives into the water and pulls Saul into the shallow water. When Saul is out of trouble Herbie asks h...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

In the Best Interest of the Child...

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custo...

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

Massive trump rally scheduled for tomorrow

Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

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A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...

What's the difference between a jet engine and my wife?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Miami.

Breaking News

At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which h...

A guy goes into the airport...

...to check in for his flight to Amarillo.

When it comes time to check his bags, he says, "OK, I want this one to go to San Diego, this other one to go to Boston, and this third one to go to Miami."

"Sir," says the check-in officer, "I'm afraid we can't do that!"

"Why not? You d...

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A rooster was looking to furnish his roost with cockle shells

And his assistant asked “in terms of a supplier, do you want me to call the guy from Miami Beach, the guy from Hawaii, or the guy from Hermosa Beach? They all have great prices on cockle shells”

The rooster shrugged and said “any cockle dude will do”

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The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

When it came to Johnny he said, “I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I’ll get me a bitch, and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.”

The teacher was lost for...

Holiday Joke

An 79 year old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-seven years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her fac...

An elderly woman was very proud of her four-month-old grandson.....

so she took him with her down to Miami Beach. The first morning she got him all decked out, and down they went to the beach, where she set him by the shore to play. But no sooner had she sat down in her beach chair than a huge tidal wave rose up and swept the baby away.

“God,” she said, stand...

So Al Sharpton Came To A Church....

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Miami Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me - I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: “...

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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

The stutterers

A girl is at a bar, and there are three guys next to her jabbering and carrying on and really getting on her nerves. The worst part was, they all had stutters.

So she says to them, "Listen, I came here for a little peace of mind, and I just can't stand listening to you guys any more. Here's a...

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

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Three women were getting together for brunch and started bragging about their husbands.

"MY husband, " says the first " just took me on a vacation to France'" and she smiled while her friends congratulated her for her good fortune.

"Well my husband just bought me a new Lexus." says the second, receiving her accolades.

"Well. I don't know if it's a big deal or not," starts...

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Mickey mouse has a cousin who kisses everyone:

Hickey mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who is a special teams player for the Miami Dolphins:
Kickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who loves performing cunnilingus:
Lickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who is very particular:
Pickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has ...

Agent: "Welcome to Delta, can I help you?"

Passenger: "Hi, I'm going to Boston. I'd like this bag sent to Miami, and this one to Atlanta."

Agent: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that sir."

Passenger: "Really? Because you did it last week..."



Credit to /u/SilverbackBob

A blonde sits down in the first class seat on her plane.

The flight attendant comes over and says "Ma'am, may I please see your ticket"

The blonde women hands her the ticket.

The flight attendant says "I'm sorry ma'am your in coach back there not first class"

The blonde says "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Miami"

Th...

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A blond woman gets on a plane...

She sits down in the first class. A steward, - who has seen her ticket at the entrance - approaches her very politely and ask if he could see her ticket once more. The woman hands it to him. The steward sees that it is for the Economy class and says nicely:
- Madam, your ticket is not for the fir...

The Email

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.



...

What's a jewish woman's favorite wine?

"I wanna go to Miami"

A pair of parents are in court for abusing their child...

The judge: Parents where do you think your child should stay since you lost custody.

The parents: we should send them to his grandparents they don’t beat him.

The child: no, they beat me too!

The parents: fine, your aunt and uncle

The child: you don’t get it everyone in o...

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Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhap...

Anybody a fan of college football?

I heard the Miami Hurricanes are looking strong this year.

Fidel Castro is making a speech on television.

At the five-hour mark, he says, "look at all the poverty in America! In Havana everyone has an apartment, but in Miami there are people sleeping on park benches!"

The next day a classified ad appears in the Havana paper: "WANTED TO TRADE: two-bedroom apartment in Havana for park bench in Miam...

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

Whats the good thing about living in Houston?

Property values are gonna be higher than Miami on Monday.

3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.

First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a f...

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

Three Jewish Mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves h...

Bad Diet

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us re...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida?

It was a Miami heat fan.

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A Prostitute goes to a Stutterer’s Convention...

A prostitute goes to a Stutterers convention
And sees three guys standing in the hallway and figures she can use a warm up...

She says fellas..
If any of you can tell me where you are from without stuttering I’ll give you a blowjob...

So the first guy says Cinci Sis isisisiisisi ...

An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's

The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there.

"I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here."

The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insuranc...

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A joke told by Ronald Reagan

Fidel Castro had just started one of his long, boring speeches when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."

Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
...

Dearest Wife email

*A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.*

**The e-mail reads:**

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure it is hot down here.

Fidel Castro Dies and Goes to Heaven

Castro finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there, surprised to see him. He says, "Fidel, you've done so many awful things in your life, how did you get here?"

Castro says, "It was the Pope. He blessed me and told me I must have been chosen by God, so I was certainly going to heave...

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3 guys are in an elevator at a stuttering convention...

The doors open and a beautiful woman get in. She turns around and says “I’ll give each of you a blowjob if you can tell me where you’re from without stuttering.”

The first guy says “Well, I’m from P-P-P-P-Pittsburgh.” She says “Sorry, next.”

The second guy says “I’m from M-M-M-M-Montan...

What paper do you read?

The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country.
The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country.
The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country.
The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and ...

Vacation

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida ...

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An elderly couple from Ohio are planning their 40th anniversary...

The couple, who were rabid basketball fans, had used the last 39 years to have an annual foray into their shared passion for the NBA. They went to games when they could, had gone to the Basketball Hall of Fame (four times so far), but usually just celebrated by getting each other neat collector's i...

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The greyhound ride

One of my favorites from my country, not sure if I have heard it in the US, so I adapted the cities:

A man needs to take a greyhound from miami to savannah. The night before he goes out partying and arrives dead tired to the bus station. He tells the driver he’s going to fall asleep but to pl...

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are
all excited about their decision to get married. They
go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way
they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner...

Email Blunder

A young married couple just got news that they were able to purchase their dream house in miami. The man tells the wife he'll go down a day early and make sure everything is in order, then she can fly down the following day. Upon arriving and making sure everything is how it should be, he emails his...

A man approached the check in counter

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said "Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"

Confused, the check in lady said "I'm sorry sir we can't do that"

The m...

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

Abe and Eva just aren't cutting it in bed...

Ok. My last joke bombed. BOMBED.

.

Ok. So Abe and Eva? They're not quite getting the ol' magical finale in bed as they used to. After so many years of marriage, Eva isn't cresting the mountaintop. This concerns the pair of them, so they decide to visit their Rabbi for advice.

....

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College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

A Tale of Two Fleas

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wra...

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