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Leftovers Jokes

Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant

The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there and finishing every dish they ordered.


One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for ...

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The waiter came to my table and asked "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

So I knocked his ass out with a left hook.

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off of my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.

The waitress asked me if I wanted a box for our leftovers.

I said no but I’ll wrestle you for it.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

I was planning on taking leftovers home from the party.

All my plans were foiled

Where do Klingons store their leftovers?

Zip'loc!

Leftovers are good

Until they're not

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How to cook leftovers

Ingredients:

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5 eggs
2 cups cake flour

STEP ONE- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

STEP TWO- Place the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl after greasing the cake pan and beat them ...

My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

Eating leftovers is bad for my health

Everytime I tell my wife it was so bad the first time there's no way I'm eating it a 2nd, she beats me.

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I had a plan to wrap up my leftovers from the restaurant in a sturdy to-go box...

...then the waitress came by and foiled the whole thing.

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The other day I was scraping leftovers into the garbage...

...and I couldn't help but think of those poor kids in Africa who don't have any garbage bins.

Super Serious Tax Question

How long do leftovers have to be in your fridge before you can claim them as dependants?

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

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Yo mama so fat..

I ate her ass and had leftovers for a week.

Reddit is like a Refrigerator

I keep opening it hoping for something good, but it is just leftovers I don't want.

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

The Donner Party had to eat so many people because they didn't have Jesus

If Jesus had been with the Donner Party the first person to die would have filled the entire party with twelve baskets of leftovers!

My dad is so right wing...

he won't even have leftovers!

-I'll let myself out.

My wife and I were walking out of a restaurant with a doggie bag, when we saw a young teen in shabby clothes sitting on the sidewalk

He asked if he could have our leftovers, so I gladly gave them to him.

I asked him if he was an orphan.

He said "Yes I am - what gave me away?"

I replied "Obviously, your parents."

I asked my 7 year old, "Why do you have chocolate all over your face?"

He said, "Saving it for leftovers."

That boy cracks me up.

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

Family at a restaurant after the meal

The kids left food on their plates so dad asked the waiter if they could take the leftovers for their dog. The kids: “Hooray! We are getting a dog!”

What do you call a Chinese dog with three legs?

Leftovers.

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

My family held an intervention for me today...

They say I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I said I can quit cold Turkey whenever I want

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

Why God created the man in the form he is?

When God created the donkey and told him:

\- You're gonna be working all day long and you'll carry the heaviest loads on your back. You'll eat grass and you won't be so smart. You'll live 50 years.

Then the donkey said:

\- 50 years of the kind of life and suffering is a lot. Giv...

Wrapped

For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the ki...

Three boys are complaining about their fathers...

Boy 1: My father is stingy! On my birthday, he only prepared three types of food!

Boy 2: My father is stingier. He only prepared two types of food for my birthday.

Boy 3: Your fathers are big spenders compared to mine. My father made sure I have five types of food for my birthday.
<...

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A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life. When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.

"You can talk?" the man asks.
...

I couldn't be with a guy called stew..

I don't like people's leftovers.

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A Turtle and a Parrot

were positioned close to each other in a pet store checkout lane. The turtle turned to the parrot and said "I sure hope my new owner likes vegetables and that I get good leftovers. The parrot turned to the turtle and exclaimed “Holy fuck! A talking turtle!”

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

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