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Frozen Jokes

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

Why did it seem like everyone either loved or hated the song “Let It Go” from Frozen?

It was polarizing

After my grandfather died, his lawyer told us that all of his assets were Frozen.

Why he bought so many DVDs of the movie—no one knows.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero

but he's 0k now.

What do you call friendly frozen water?

a nice cube

Too many people are obsessing over Frozen.

They need to let it go

Why did the introvert walk around the frozen lake?

Because he didn't wanna break the ice

I got a good price on frozen treats at my local grocery store

So you can bet I’ll be eating Aldi ice cream

What do you call a dollar frozen in a block of ice?

Cold hard cash.

Walt Disney's body wasn't frozen after he died.

Contrary to popular legend, it was only his head that was cryogenically frozen after he succumbed to lung cancer, having been a heavy smoker.

Years later a friend requested that Walt be thawed out so that he could see how he was doing. Apparently old habits die hard, because the first thing ...

If Darth Vader was frozen in Carbonite

He would be Mannaquin Skywalker

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

The founder of Dulux paints has frozen to death whilst trekking across the Arctic

Doctor's said he could have done with another coat

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A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

Why do scientists knew that the frozen prehistoric man they found in the Arctic was friendly ?

Because he’s a”n iceman”

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Trump has been frozen

Because he's one of Russia's assets

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.

Remember when frozen waffles were a big thing?

That sure was a while *Eggo.*

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Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

How do you warm up a frozen cowboy?

Yee thaw!

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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

How did the frozen chicken cross the road?

In a shopping bag

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Disney’s Frozen...

...cryogenically. Isn’t he?

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles?

Sandy Eggo

What is Mitch McConnell's favorite movie?

Frozen.

I burned my frozen Hawaiian Pizza...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

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Gordon Ramsay in Disney's frozen...

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN! LET IT GOO!!!!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

Waiter: "Sorry Sir, we don't have any frozen water."

Me: "Noice."

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

What do you call a frozen pair of panties, once it defrosts?!

THAWNG.

I didn't think "Frozen" was very good. I preferred the sequel:

*Thor.*

An economists left leg is on fire and his right leg is frozen...

He says "on average I'm perfectly fine".

My little sister is WAY into frozen too much

I told her to let it go

Most people don’t believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

Last night for dinner, we had frozen fish.

It wasn't very well thawed out...

What would the next Frozen movie be called if the princess was black?

Afro-zen

Why can't you give Elsa (from Frozen) a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.


My 5-year-old son just told me this.

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’

Why did the frozen pizza say no to weed?

It didn't want to get baked!


Just made that up moments ago

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Windows frozen

Early one winter morning, as James entered his office block, he checked his phone and saw he had a text message from his wife.

Windows frozen. Not sure what to do.

He lets out a sigh that yet again, his wife was beautiful but with very little brains. James then texts back to pour some ...

Why did the big frozen N get a Christmas present?

Because it was N ice.

Frozen parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing...

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

I had a frozen apple for breakfast today.

Hardcore.

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Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

What did the man say after eating a frozen pizza?

That wasn't well thawed out.

Elsa from frozen died when when walking in the bike-lane

It was an icicle accident

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

John was at the grocery store buying beer for poker night with his buddies

When he is in the frozen food section a voluptuous redhead approaches him and says:

“Excuse me, I think you are the father of one of my kids”

John replied: “ohhh, we’re you that redhead that I banged in the bathroom at Shannon’s a couple of years back?, you certainly look good”

...

I tried buying some frozen dates,

but the morgue was closed.

Why can't anybody win at a Frozen claw machine?

Because it will always let it go

I watched the movie Frozen with my four year old daughter

My daughter didn't like the part when the girlfriend got her hand stuck to the ski lift at all.

How many Amazonian fish does it take to kill a Frozen character?

Just one per Anna.

A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-...

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

He saw the frozen chicken

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.

George thought to himself, "On no! ...

I have a serious addiction to frozen poultry...

... I'm trying to quit cold turkey

Donald Trump Skating on a Frozen Lake...

Donald Trump is staking on a frozen pond when suddenly the ice breaks and he falls in. Luckily three small boys were on hand to pull him out. ""You boys saved my life" says Donald. "How can I repay you?"

The first boy asks for a toy car and the second boy asks for a toy plane. The third boy h...

What do you get when you drop your frozen waffle at the beach?

A San Diego

Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before?

It hurts like hail.

Y'all probably will hate me for this. Spoiler alert for Frozen II.

In the first movie Anna was Frozen

Now in the second movie Elsa is frozen too (Frozen 2)

I'm sorry I shall take my leave

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

I'm starting a combination Frozen Yogurt shop and news stand..

It will be called Froyo Information.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

What US city has the dirtiest frozen waffles?

San Diego

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says ...

My friend told me he could survive being frozen to -273.15 °C

Weird flex but 0K

My daughter asked for a Frozen blanket

So last night she slept on the balcony

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken

My girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken.
She was getting something out of the freezer. Her skirt was lifted. Man, I was so horny at that moment. So I took her underpants down and started to fuck her. When suddenly, she grabbed a chicken and hit me in the head with it. I was surprised, and aske...

What government organization only investigates incidents involving frozen water?

The Just-Ice Department.

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

What's a half-frozen angry bear's favorite restaurant?

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr Grrrrrrrrrrrrr King

What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.

my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

A Man Goes Fishing On A Frozen River

It was dark. But a man (who had just enjoyed a few beers in his regularly visited bar) was determined to make a catch before he returned home. The afternoon hadn't been too successful, but maybe the night would bring more luck.

He found another part of his local river, one that was completely...

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