My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero

but he's 0k now.

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

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A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

If Darth Vader was frozen in Carbonite

He would be Mannaquin Skywalker

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?

A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"

It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

Most people don’t believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman, and a frozen beer have in common

Somewhere along the line someone forgot to pull it out

Did you hear about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

He lived . In fact he 0k now.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the ...

Remember when frozen waffles were a big thing?

That sure was a while *Eggo.*

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

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I just went to a restaurant and all of my food was still fucking frozen solid. I asked the owner and he said that’s just how the product comes in.

10/10 ice cream shop would recommend again

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles?

Sandy Eggo

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

I'm tired of seeing Frozen merchandise everywhere...

Why can't everyone just let it go?

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "

I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "

After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

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On a snowy, cold winter day...

On a snowy, cold winter day, a priest decides to go visit his brother. Because the path is all snowy, it takes him much longer than he expected.

It was already pitch dark when he sees a light... He decides to follow it and when he comes to it, there is a monastery full of nuns. He knocks and ...

What do you call a frozen pair of panties, once it defrosts?!

THAWNG.

How do you warm up a frozen cowboy?

Yee thaw!

What would the next Frozen movie be called if the princess was black?

Afro-zen

A lawyer boarded an airplane...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying fr...

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

Fishmonger job

I’ve just been offered a job as a fishmonger, but I’m not sure if I'll accept it or not.

I’ll need to weigh up the frozen prawns.

Back in 2006, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully...

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

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Matrix Management: The Key to Happiness

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed b...

How did the frozen chicken cross the road?

In a shopping bag

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

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A parrot swallows one of his owner’s Viagra tablets.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer for 30 minutes to cool off.

Later, when he opens the freezer door, he finds the parrot sweating. “Why are you sweating?” he asks.

The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”

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A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

My brother who is finally mastering how English puns works was so proud of this one. WHAT DO YOU CALL A FROZEN PAIR OF PANTIES ONCE IT DEFROSTS?

THAWNG.

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

How many Amazonian fish does it take to kill a Frozen character?

Just one per Anna.

You know what I do when I get scared by frozen food?

Ice cream

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

Elsa from frozen died when when walking in the bike-lane

It was an icicle accident

Why did the big frozen N get a Christmas present?

Because it was N ice.

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

A boy gets a parrot for his birthday

A boy gets a pet parrot for his birthday.

The parrot is constantly swearing, and saying rude things. The boy tries to teach his parrot to stop saying bad words and things like that. He plays calm music to the parrot, he reads stories to the parrot, he tries everything he can to get the parrot...

All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

My little sister is WAY into frozen too much

I told her to let it go

What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza?

It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!

What’s the difference between taxes and Texas?

At no point have my taxes ever been frozen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

Why can't you give Elsa (from Frozen) a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.


My 5-year-old son just told me this.

Y'all probably will hate me for this. Spoiler alert for Frozen II.

In the first movie Anna was Frozen

Now in the second movie Elsa is frozen too (Frozen 2)

I'm sorry I shall take my leave

Waiter: "Sorry Sir, we don't have any frozen water."

Me: "Noice."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

What did the man say after eating a frozen pizza?

That wasn't well thawed out.

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A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

An economists left leg is on fire and his right leg is frozen...

He says "on average I'm perfectly fine".

Why did the frozen pizza say no to weed?

It didn't want to get baked!


Just made that up moments ago

Last night for dinner, we had frozen fish.

It wasn't very well thawed out...

My friend told me he could survive being frozen to -273.15 °C

Weird flex but 0K

A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-...

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Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

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Gordon Ramsay in Disney's frozen...

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN! LET IT GOO!!!!

I burned my frozen Hawaiian Pizza...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

I got a good price on frozen treats at my local grocery store

So you can bet I’ll be eating Aldi ice cream

You know how you catch a polar bear? You go out on a frozen tundra and cut a hole in the ice. Then put a ring of peas around the hole.

When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before?

It hurts like hail.

Why is Texas like the Titanic

They both thought they were amazing until a tiny bit of frozen water broken them in half

I had a frozen apple for breakfast today.

Hardcore.

I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

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Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.


He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice next to him...

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowing.

The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.



At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl b...

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