A man was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask

Man - Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?

Doctor- If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best.

Man- What would be the worst things to use?

Doctor- Obviously anything that would smother you for example, ...

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

My sister gave me some of her homemade exfoliating genital scrub to try. Made with 100% Arabica coffee grounds.

I said I hope it doesn't keep me up all night.

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...

My Scottish girlfriend was feeling homesick so I decided to try and make a homemade haggis to cheer her up.

I thought I had a fairly strong constitution but as soon as I starting mixing the heart, lungs and kidneys I realised I didn't have the stomach for it.

What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…

…when I start auditioning women for her part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.

It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE! TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!

The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.

It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you...

Three Homemade Jokes (Puns) ENJOY

Two worms are going through a pantry. They go through some apples, pears, and other things. After a while, they get STUCK, in something hard and green. One says to the other, "Man, we really got ourselves into a pickle."

An archaeologist is going through an underground cave and comes across a...

My boyfriend took me out to eat

BF: You're going to love the food here-- it's all homemade.

Me: How did they get into my house?


Yeah, he didnt laugh either.

My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year!

I'm hoping for an iPad!

I was cutting up a homemade pizza and exclaimed "wow, this cheese is stringy"

My four year old daughter's reply

"Stringier than a yo-yo"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

What's considered an homemade gift in China?

An IPhone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

Why do Chinese-Americans never get homesick?

Because everything in America is homemade for them!

I told my Chinese friend that I like homemade gifts....

So for Christmas he gave me an iPhone, iPad and an iMac.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are sitting on the back porch one evening.

Thibodeaux hands Boudreaux a bottle of homemade bayou whiskey and says, "Boudreaux, I want you to have this bottle of whiskey as a gift from me to you."

Boudreaux thanks Thibodeaux and takes a swig out of the bottle.

Upon tasting the whiskey, Boureaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, "You...

What do a plate of homemade brownies and a golden shower have in common?

Urine for a treat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Secret combination of ingredients for homemade Viagra discovered

Add 2 parts MiracleGro to 1 part Fix-A-Flat

There was once a college math professor

While he was on tenure, he decided to continue taking classes in other subject areas because they were offered to him at a discounted cost. After 40 years of teaching, the professor decided to retire. Over his time working, he had amassed enough credits to have completed 180 different major programs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The post man's last day....

A beloved postman announces his retirement. As he is walking his rounds in a picturesque, tree-lined neighborhood, he is greeted at one of the doors by a young, pretty woman. She is wearing a fairly short, sexy robe and invites him in.



Once inside she leads him to the kitchen table w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boss is hosting a costume party for Halloween

We see all the usual costumes, that you buy at the store, and even a few homemade ones, but I noticed that the intern was only wearing a pair of jeans. We’re all trying to figure out what his costume is, a shitty hulk? That Kylo Ren meme? Nobody knows, until one person walks up to him and asks:
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this happened

I was at this party awhile back with some "drinks" that I made for my throat, mixed apple vinegar with water, and so I went to the dancefloor with my homemade ailment, when a cute chick comes over and asks to have some,
"Aw, don't think you'll.." before I could finish she full reached for it, tak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Betsy makes a home cooked meal for her husband Bob

For their 30th wedding anniversary. She fixes every one of his favorites. Medium-rare steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, a nice salad with homemade cheesecake for dessert.

After dinner Bob leans back feeling great and exclaims to Betsy “That was an amazing meal, honey! Had I known all these ye...

An Eskimo was driving into town...

On an uncommonly hot day, when the car lost power and steam starting rolling out from under the hood. He called a local garage who sent a tow-truck to retrieve him.

Knowing he’d want to get on the road before dark he asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic replies, "Not sure, I’ll have to ...

What do you call a funny mosquito?

What do you call a funny mosquito?
Malarious
-My gf's homemade joke

For my teacher who used to tell this one....

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does COOKIES and PORN have in common?

They’re both better homemade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny went fishing with his grandpa...

And after a couple uneventful hours, grandpa decided to crack a can of Bud. Little Johnny being thirsty, asked if he could have some. Grandpa asked Johnny if his penis could touch his asshole. Johnny responded that no, it could not, it was too short. Grandpa told Johnny that that meant he was too yo...

...How did you do it?

There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, kill...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a giant jar of $20 notes...

"What's with the jar?" the man asks the bartender.

"That's for the bar challenge, you put $20 in and if you complete three tasks you get the lot."

"What are the three tasks?" the customer asks, intrigued.

"First you need to drink a gallon of homemade moonshine, the strongest we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor peasant and his lunch

There was a peasant who owned a small land for cultivation. He was a very modest man, living a peaceful life. Everytime he was leaving for work in the field, his wife would make him very delicious sandwiches. The sandwiches were made out of fresh baked bread, with homemade butter, cheese, ham, and f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother recently got married

To celebrate, my mother decided to pull out a couple bottles from my late father's homemade alcohol collection.

That way he could be there in spirits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Fireman See's a Little Girl

that has her own homemade firetruck with her dog and a red wagon.He says to the little girl, "That's a nice looking firetruck little missy!" She then says, "Thank You!" He keeps checking it out when he notices that the rope that's tied to the wagon is tied to the dogs testicles.He tells the little g...

This past Christmas I told my wife that all I wanted for Christmas was an Xbox.

That's it. Beginning and end of the list; Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of our wedding. That was fine, because I got her an Xbox.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa and Little Billy go fishing...

One summer morning, grandpa and little Billy go for a fishing trip. Once they get out on the boat, grandpa reaches into the cooler and grabs a cold Bud. As he cracks his beer Billy asks, "Hey Grandpa, do you think I could try a sip of that beer?". Grandpa responds "Does your pecker touch your bung ...

"That's as clean as cold water gets 'em!"

A young man is harassed by his parents on the topic of his grandfather, and how he never visits or speaks to him anymore. The man protests, sighing. "He's such a weirdo. And he lives up there all alone in mountain country, I doubt he wants to see *anyone!*"

But his parents continue to insist ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.