In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…

As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.

How does Zorro pay for his groceries at the self-service checkout?

On card!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

I went to the grocery store

I finished my shopping, and proceeded to the checkout line.

In line ahead of me, there was an older lady who kept glancing at me. After a few moments she apologized, telling me that I reminded her of her daughter, whom she had just lost a few days ago in a car accident. I felt so horrible fo...

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says “You MUST be single!”
I said “Why do you say that?”
And she said “Because your so fu$king ugly!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.
As he's pushing the cart through the parking lot, she rubs up against him and says
"I've got an itchy pussy..."
The guy doesn't say anything and just keeps pushing the cart.
She rubs up on him again and r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.

PRIEST: You forgot pride.

ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having COVID wrecks my taste. When I eat that booty like groceries...

I can’t taste shit!

I’ll see my way out.

What does a classical composer use to carry his groceries?

A Chopin cart

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic...

...available for curbside pickup.

Costco worker asked if I wanna box for my groceries

No bro, I’m just trying to pay for them, everyone’s so violent these days.

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes

My girlfriend, an Instagram model, asked me to go to the store. She said to get groceries and nothing else.

Just food for thot.

Johnny with his grandparents

Johnny is staying with his grandparents. Grandma goes out to get groceries, while Grandpa stays home to look after Johnny. When Grandma gets home, the house is a mess. All of the couch cushions are torn up, paint is all over the walls, and the dog is hiding under the bed. Grandma asks Grandpa: "What...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles.
Quart of milk.
Half a dozen eggs.
A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, w...

A kid has just got his driver's license, and to celebrate his freedom he offers to go get groceries for his mother...

"Okay," his mother says, "Get a gallon of milk. And if they have avocados, get 6."

The boy returns 30 minutes later with his arms full.

"Why'd you get so much milk?" the mom asked.

"They had avocados."

The shop assistant asked if I wanna box for my groceries.

Told her I hate violence, and asked if I could just pay be card instead.

Every day, a woman stood on her porch and shouted ,"Praise the Lord!"

And every day the atheist next door yelled, "There is no Lord!"

One day she prayed, "Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries."

The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.

"Ha! I told you there was no Lord," her neighbour said, j...

Where does Donald Trump Jr. buy his groceries?

Traitor Joe's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.


After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables ...

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memori...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is in line at the grocery store

As she starts to load her food onto the conveyor belt, a drunk man gets in line behind her. As she finishes emptying her basket he leans over and says to her, "you must be single."

She's determined to ignore him, but as she waits she finds herself looking down at her groceries: milk, eggs, ap...

Teller: Sir, you want a box for your groceries?

My dad: No, I am very much against violence, I´ll just pay for it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.