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Washing Machine Jokes

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

What’s the difference between my washing machine and my wife?

I don’t have to hug my washing machine after I put a load in it

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

My dad just bought a new washing machine

What should we call her?

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

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Which one is different from the other three and why - a fridge, a washing machine, a tv or a woman?

Most people say it's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't belong in the kitchen but they are sexist. It's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fudked.

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of your pants.

What the difference between your mom and washing machine

The washing machine doesn’t get clingy after I drop a load in it.

Washing machine (long)

A young (but definitely over 18) Alabama girl is sitting on her front porch, with her skirt hiked all the way up and nothing on underneath. Young (but definitely over 18) Johnny walks by and can't believe what he sees. "Hey, Thelma Lou- what's that you got there?"

Thelma Lou replies- "Well, I...

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?

Its step ladder.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

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Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go in...

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

So my washing machine caught fire today

The good news is I was able to get my washing and drying done all in one go.

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I accidently put my USB through the washing machine

It's still works, but it's really clean now. All the porn is gone.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

Hey girl, are you a washing machine?

Coz you're making my pants wet!!!!

What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine?

A viscous cycle

What's a washing machine's favorite song?

Twist and Shout

I need some technical advice.

Does anyone know how to deactivate the "Sock hiding" program in the washing machine?

An American, a French and a Russian are chatting in a restaurant.

The American woman says:
- I once told my husband that I was not his housewife and that I would not do laundry for him all the time. He left the house. I don't see a him for day, for two, for three, on the forth day he came back with a washing machine.
The Frenchwoman says:
- And I once...

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Walking up the stairs behind Maria, John exclaims

“Wow, your ass is the size of a washing machine!”

Maria does not react to his comment. At night, John gets in the mood to make love and tells Maria, to which she replies:

“For such a small cloth I will not turn the machine on. You better hand-wash it!”

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.

"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you lef...

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv?
- No.
- Did you take Harkiv?
- No
- What did you take then?
- A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

For her birthday I bought my wife a variety of vibrators...

A dishwasher, a washing machine and a lawn mower.

Did you hear about that fight at the laundromat?

I recon a washing machine beat the snot out of a handkerchief.

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.

I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

You know why washing machines are so good at what they do?

Because all they do is rinse and repeat.

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A man is resting on a Saturday

A man is resting on a Saturday when his wife comes in, wakes him up and tells him she needs laundry detergent.
He reluctantly gets up, gets dressed and exits his apartment on the 10th floor. He presses the elevator button only to find out it’s broken, he goes down the stairs and goes to the supe...

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If you watch 1970's porn backwards..

It's about a hairy man who hoovers cum off a women, then breaks her washing machine and leaves...

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I just got accepted to make a porno.

I play the role of the husband going off to work whilst my wife waits for the plumber to come and fix the washing machine.

How cool is that!

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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound se...

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

I wish my husband's 1 minute is the same as my washing machine's 1 minute.

Where you lost track of time waiting for it to be over.

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

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