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Lately Jokes

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why hasn’t Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately?

He’s on tour.

Since reddit has been all about native americans lately..

An Indian and a cowboy are walking through the prairie one day.
The Indian stops and puts his ear to the ground and says "ah, buffalo come."
In which the cowboy replies:
"Dang, you can tell that from stickin yer ear to the ground?"
Indian says:
"No. Ear sticky."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

I’m getting really sick of millennials attitudes lately

Walking around like they rent the place.

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

My wife has been addicted to Netflix lately and has started to ignore me...

...So I went ahead and renewed the subscription for another 10 years.

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

Seeing all of these coffee jokes lately..

Im getting Deja Brew

Have I told you lately...

...is the least romantic line a toll-collector ever said to his girlfriend.

With all the coffee jokes lately, I've realized something...

My coffee is just like my wife.

Ice cold, with no cream in it.

Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately.

Goodbye, normal jeans.

Did you hear.. corduroy pillows are making it all over the news lately?

(Really?)

Yeah. They're making lots of headlines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

Things have gotten so bad lately, I broke down crying to “only god knows why”

I’ve officially hit Kid Rock Bottom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been working out a lot lately.

For example today she worked out I've been fucking her sister.

Lately, I've been really afraid of elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid them.

This sub is really disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.

My wife has been treating me like a god lately...

Ignoring my existence, unless she needs something from me

Why do Russian officials keep falling out of windows lately?

Because they no longer have the iron curtain.

My wife has been penciling in her eyebrows lately… I think that she draws them a little high, so I told her.

She just looked at me surprised

Lately people seem to think I'm from Kent, I don't understand it..

But I keep hearing everyone whisper it when I walk past.

Work has been tough just lately, but at least I'm sleeping like a baby

...waking up every couple of hours crying and needing a bottle.

What’s up with John Cena doing so many voiceovers for commercials lately?

I mean, I think it’s John Cena’s voice, but I don’t know for sure since I can’t see him…

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

I've been punting my cigarette packs lately

I'm trying to kick the habit

The popularity of skiing has decreased somewhat lately

In fact, it's going downhill fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

one of the funnier ones I've heard lately.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been learning a lot of Russian lately, mostly names

Fuckov Jerkov, Pissov

Since there have been a few math jokes lately...

Q1. What do you get if you cross a mountain lion with a mountain goat?

A1. ||mountain lion|| ||mountain goat|| sin θ


Q2. What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a mountain climber?

A2. You can't - the mountain climber is a scalar.

I told my friend I've been seeing spots lately.

He said, "Have you seen a doctor?"
I replied, "No, just spots."

I buy and sell old adding machines for profit but lately I've been losing money.

Something's not adding up.

I used to enjoy the Snoopy & Charlie Brown comic strips in the Sunday papers, but lately I've been getting a rash after reading them.

I think I've developed an allergy to Peanuts.

Lately, I've been getting into a kinky combination of sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia.

But, maybe I'm just beating a dead horse.

I've been dropping a lot of things lately...

It's really getting out of hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been taking Viagra lately

I've been taking Viagra lately before bed because of my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it does keep the sheets a couple of inches off my thighs.

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We've been having really nice weather lately.

Today my neighbor with the big tits was mowing the lawn topless. I just wish his wife would do the same.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately...

Her name is Ellie Dee

She really lights up my life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been depressed, lately, because I’m in my thirties and don’t have a girlfriend

My friends have tried to be supportive.

My wife has been a real jerk about the whole thing.

I'm eating mostly whole foods lately

Whole pizzas, whole cheeseburgers, whole tubs of ice cream...

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