A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wron...

What do you call a slow bullet?

A slug

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

My Toyota was slow to start this morning

It must have this Corollavirus.

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

My internet is slow but hopefully this posts quickly...HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Have a great 2019!

A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car wjth a big “S” painted on each side.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go!”

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Stop vs slow down

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop'...

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

I slowed my car down before driving into a garage

I was arrested for braking and entering

Some people like fast handjobs. I prefer slow.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

“So you want me to stay then? I replied.

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.

One of them decides to start a conversation.
“So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.”

The second man says:
“I arrived at the factory too early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.”

T...

If you're locked out of your house, try slow talking with your door.

Because communication is key.

A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door.

As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”

You let a sloth give you gonnorhea?!

*slow clap*

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

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What has two humps, moves slow and will spit in your eyes when angry?

My mother-in law.
You were almost right,
she has a huge camel toe!

An Airbus is flying 30,000 feet in the air at 200,000 mph. Suddenly a eurofighter jet pulls up and slows down beside it and radioes it.

“Boring flight, huh, Airbus? Watch this!” The fighter proceeds to flip upside down and speed up, breaking the sound barrier before corkscrewing to skim the ocean, and coming up back beside the Airbus. “What’d you think?”

The Airbus pilot replies, “Not bad, but look at this.” The Airbus proce...

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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Simba was walking too slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

I see these signs that say "slow children at play"

I guess some people need the whole world to know how smart there kid is..

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A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:

Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?

Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.

Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!

Man (quietly): shut the fuck up

Cop: I notic...

Why was the internet slow at the Chinese marijuana Farm?

Because it is run with a high Ping.

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

A highway cop stops a car that is going too slow

He gets out and goes up to the car, and finds it full of old ladies. He addresses the driver:



"Maam, you were going 20 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour highway. Going that slow is too dangerous"



"But officer, I was just following the speed limit", she says, pointing t...

What do you call two turtles f@#$ing?

A slow poke.

The management at my laundromat has been having some issues lately, and as a result, have been slow on getting items back

I need my suit on Sunday so I hope they've ironed things out.

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

A very old couple are lying naked in bed, and the wife asks, "What would you do if I started smoking?"

He replies, "Slow down and use some lube."

My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

Me and the wife decided against slow close cupboard doors

How the hell are we supposed to know when we're mad at each other?

A man walks into a bar...

...and orders a vodka and coke. The barman serves him. The man drinks it and orders another. This goes on for a while, until the man begins to slow down.

The barman asks: “Is there anything the matter, sir?”

The man sighs and answers: “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said...

What's the biggest pain about slow computers?

The megahertz

Yo momma’s teeth are so yellow

When she smiles, cars slow down

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

What’s the difference between a speed bump and Ice Age Baby?

You slow down before running over the speed bump.

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

What does a noodle say if they see a noodle being very slow?

COME ON BRO!!!
PASTA!!! PASTA!!!

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

The slow swimmer

What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

Ketchup!


.. im so sorry

The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.

Dr. Ray sighed as the door open...

What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?

A Slow-poke!

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

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Dear Jebediah

Dear Jebediah,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here t...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE...

Two men were having a slow round of golf

The two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play throu...

Speed Limit

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they're only going 25mph, stopping mid-day traffic. The policeman asks the driver as to why he was going so slow?

"Well that's the speed limit isn't it ! There was a sign saying 25 and everything ...

What does your appendix, Republicans, and the slow lane have in common with Matthew McConaughey?

All right, all right, all right.





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College professor is experiencing a “slow-down” in his sex-life with his wife...

... so he is trying to figure out how to spice it up. He is hearing that there is a foreign student who has a lot of luck with girls on the campus so he decides to ask him for advice.

“Paolo, how are you doing it?”
“Well professor, right before I am about to do it with a girl, I whip my j...

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

What do you call a slow and boring lizard?

Drag'on.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

What do you call slow internet in the ocean?

Laten-sea

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Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.


Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the pri...

Why is development in airplane engineering so slow?

Everyone is afraid to make a ground breaking design.

What do you get when you cross slow dancing with Arabic royalty?

Dancing Sheikh to Sheikh.

My computer has this disgusting virus that has completed slowed everything down.

It's called "Internet Explorer".

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

A man went to the doctor for male performance problem.

“Do you think the booze could be an issue?” Asks the doctor.

“Maybe not the booing so much as her slow, ironic clapping.”

Drinking Fast, Drinking Slow

Many years ago I used to tend bar and this old, very drunk but drunk like he'd been drunk for 30 years kind of drunk man sat at my bar. He said, "Son, I'd like you to pour me 6 shots of Louis XIII."


So I poured him the shots at the bar and he just starts downing them 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 ...

Bill's new car

Bill decides after saving for a few years to finally buy a new red Lamborghini. He's so excited about it that he decides to go out and try it out on the highway.

As he's zooming down the highway, he sees a trucker up ahead slowing traffic, and decides to show off his new car by cutting the tr...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

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A new member of a big game hunting club shows up to a the welcoming ceremony

The young member wants to hear some great hunting stories so he finds the oldest man at the ceremony and says "Sir, I know you have some great hunting stories, tell me your best one."

The old man is happy to share his experiences with the young member. He starts out by saying "it was 1947, me...

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

It’s a slow night at the bar, when in walks narcissist, a millionaire, and a corrupt politician.

The bartender says “good evening Mr. President”.

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

Chick-fil-a was really slow getting my order to me.

They must not be on their Chick-fil- “A-Game”

What do call it when a flight simulator is being slow?

Jet lag.

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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

Came home the other day and my grandpa turned me into a young, slow-witted boy with a yellow shirt.

I was Morty-fied

A little slow

Guy hears a knock at his door, opens up and sees a snail on his doormat, so he kicks the snail out into the yard. A couple months later he hears another knock at his door, opens up and there’s the snail, who looks up and says “what the hell was that all about?”

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Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race?

I got off to a slow start.

Whenever I see signs on my local steets for "Slow Children at Play" I feel sad for them

It's one thing to be disabled during childhood when adults can take care of all their needs, but what will they do with themselves when they grow up?

Then I got on the highway and saw a sign for "Slow Men at Work".

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

Why is an Ambulance slow?

Because its a Patient Transport

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

A Man Buys a New Corvette

While driving it off the lot he decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. He hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH... 80MPH.... and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of his rear-view mirror. Thinking his new ca...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam.

Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the jungle. Not that you could ever see those bastards mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when...

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