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Kidnapped Jokes

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 ...

I Was Kidnapped By A Gang Of Mimes, Once

They did unspeakable things.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped!

The Police still have no lead.

an immunologist and a cardiologist are kidnapped...

the kidnapper threatens to shoot one of them. but will spare the one who has made the greater contribution to mankind. the cardiologist says " i've developed drugs that saved millions of lives". the kidnapper turns to the immunologist: " and what have you done...? " the immunologist pauses and then ...

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag ...

What do you call an impatient man from Bangkok who moved to the capital city of the Republic of China for a writing job, got kidnapped, covered in multicolored paint and restrained with rope?

A tied-up, tye-dyed, Type-A, Taipei-Thai typist.

My wife was kidnapped by two mime artists

She said they did some unspeakable things to her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,

“We want ten thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again."

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb?

I thought 12, but the basements still dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

What's a kidnapped child's favourite Christmas Carol?

Away with a stranger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I kidnapped this girl last night...

And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens.

They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.

I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What happens if the hero of time gets kidnapped?

He becomes the missing link

The man who kidnapped me was named Dave Green.

But everyone keeps calling him Mike Aptor.

I'm so good at being kidnapped.

I can do it with my arms tied behind my back.

I kidnapped my neighbour's dog.

Let's see how he likes the constant barking.

A Man's wife was kidnapped by someone

Next day the kidnapper calls the man and asks for $30k to release her but the man doesn't show much interest.

Some days later kidnapper calls again and reduces the amount to $20k but again the man doesn't look like he's interested in the offer.

This continues on till the time the k...

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".

Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.

P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys were kidnapped by cannibals....

The head cannibal says " in order to survive you must go collect ten pieces of the same fruit and bring them back here. You will then endure a final task"


So the three guys frantically run off.


The first guy returns with 10 apples.
head master says "now you must shove them u...

Hello! Police! I was kidnapped by aliens!

"Sir! Are you drunk?"

"Yes, but it's coincidence."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are kidnapped by cannibals while in the forest..

Three men were walking in a forest one day when they were kidnapped by a group of cannibals. They plead for the tribe leader to let them, and finally he struck them a deal. If they could complete a challenge of his, then they could walk free.

For the first part of the challenge, the chieftai...

What did the comedian say when someone kidnapped his child?

"You stole my joke!"

If you’ve been kidnapped by immigrants

You’ve been abducted by aliens

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

I've kidnapped 100 kids and killed 10 of them

Only 90 kids can remember

3 people are kidnapped by a group of terrorists

The terrorists are about to kill them but decide to give them the choice between a quick bullet to the head or getting infected with AIDS.

The first two pick the bullet to the head but the last guy chooses to get injected with AIDS through a syringe.

Once the injection is done, the g...

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

My wife has been kidnapped in Rio.

The kidnappers are willing to pay any amount for her release.

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