A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

If I find out who stole my copy of MS Office, I'll kill you...

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the...

The Cechnyan mob kidnaps two Czechs, two Irishmen, two Englishmen, and two Americans.

A ransom note is sent to each respective countries' embassy, demanding the equivalent of $25 million,or they will kill the hostages.

After two weeks, they receive responses from each embassy.

The English, Irish, and American embassy all state that they do not negotiate with terrorist...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

Why do goblins have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

True story: I was in a biology class when the tutor actually asked this question for real. This actually happened, no joke. Finally, after all these years, I was actually able to give the joke answer in an actual real-life honest-to-goodness context. Thi...

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Standing column.

Suddenly someone knocks on the side window. He lets down the window and asks: "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump. They are demanding a ransom of $ 100 million or they will pour...

People say children are expensive...

.... but it really depends on how much ransom you demand

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

Married man goes out whoring. Time gets away from him and at 2 am, he realizes his wife will be angry, so

he calls her on the phone and when she answers he yells: Darling, don't pay the ransom, I got away!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....

Ruthless

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE

I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.

What type of writing makes the most money?

Ransom notes.

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

Just received an e.mail stating $50 dollars to see Cardi B. live.

I'm probably not the right person to spam for these types of ransoms.

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him w...

What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

Theme 2: Polish

--Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

--A: Wave to him.


Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding
night?

A: A new last name.


--Q: Did you hear about the Pole who studied for 5 days?

--A: He was scheduled to take a u...

Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live...

But I'm still not paying the ransom.

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

My favourite Yom Kippur joke

Last Wish

Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.

The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Ca...

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