Ransom Jokes

If the money wasn’t paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ... read more

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir... read more

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans... read more

I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.

A ransom note.

He pays your own ransom.

Ransom notes.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

.... but it really depends on how much ransom you demand

he calls her on the phone and when she answers he yells: Darling, don't pay the ransom, I got away!

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office... read more

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ... read more

But I'm still not paying the ransom.

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

I'm probably not the right person to spam for these types of ransoms.

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress... read more

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

A ransom note.

A ransom note is sent to each respective countries' embassy, demanding the equivalent of $25 million,or they will kill the hostages.

After two weeks, they receive responses from each embassy.

The English, Irish, and American embassy all state that they do not negotiate with terrorist... read more

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him w... read more

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do... read more

Last Wish

Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.

The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Ca... read more

--Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

--A: Wave to him.


Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding
night?

A: A new last name.


--Q: Did you hear about the Pole who studied for 5 days?

--A: He was scheduled to take a u... read more