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Behead Jokes

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them.

Those were his axe wives.

(this joke is courtesy of my father)

Chuck Norris got ambushed by terrorists with a $5,000,000 ransom

If the money wasn’t paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded

Has anyone noticed that (i) looks like (I) that's been beheaded?

Capital punishment?

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

Why does the executioner love their job?

Because there's so much fun to behead.

A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading

He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage.

“I’m terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn’t cause any of you to lose your heads,” the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke.
The beheading proc...

King Charles the First gets beheaded

By some miracle, he's still alive and can put his head back on. He runs off to his house as quickly as possible before he is caught. When he arrives home, he sees his wife, in which he explains what had just happened. His wife says, "We should celebrate this miracle! Perhaps you can join me in the b...

What did Kylian Mbappe say to the Saudis after they offered him a $1B contract?

I don’t think I’ll beheading there

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

During the French Revolution, the commoners were busy executing the elite and bourgeoisie by beheading them.

They dragged a lawyer up on the guillotine, but as the blade dropped toward his neck, it inexplicably stopped. That was taken as a sign from God to spare his life and he was freed.

Then they brought a wealthy merchant up for execution, but again the blade stopped just short and he, too, was ...

Did you see how far that guy's head flew during the beheading?

"Ya what a show. I guess it really is all in the execution."

Chuck Norris has been sentenced to death

The judge’s beheading will take place in 3 days.

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What's the hardest part about watching a video of somebody being beheaded?

My dick.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

My girlfriend called me a pervert and a terrible historian

I said, "I am not a terrible historian....ask me the fate of Henry VIII's wife's". "Go on then" she replied.

...

"Divorced

Beheaded

Died

Divorced

Beheaded

Creampied"

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed.

The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who ...

Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory

Will beheading there tomorrow

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

An artist, a baker and an engineer are in line to be beheaded...

The artist goes first. They put his head in the guillotine and release the mechanism. It stops 3 inches short! The king decides that he'll be merciful and releases him! He's ecstatic!

The baker is next. They put his head in the guillotine and release it. This time it stops 2 inches short. The...

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Three men are confronted by the grim reaper [NSFW]

The grim reaper says to the three men, "I will spare your lives if you can each collect 12 pieces of fruit for me." All three men go their separate ways, and a few minutes later guy 1 comes back with 12 oranges.


The grim reaper says "before I can spare your life, you must complete one fin...

What’s a failed circumcision called

A Beheading

My friend was planning to take a vacation in Afghanistan next month.

He won’t beheading there any time soon.

What do you get when you cross a King and a Queen?

Beheaded

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

What does the executioner say on Monday mornings?

Time to beheaded to work

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

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A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to ...

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

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The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

The police was talking on the radio

EDIT: *were
-Sir, we arrived at the crime scene
-Send the report
-A woman killed her husband. She stabbed him 35 times, shot him twice, beat him, beheaded him and finally burned him.
-Wow, what was the reason?
-The man stepped on the floor after she cleaned it.
-And did...

What did The headless horseman say before leaving the party?

I’ll beheading off then

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

There once was a noble who was accused of conspiracy against his country...

When brought before the court, he was given a chance to out the people he was conspiring with to spare himself, but the noble refused to give any information. After trying several times the court gave up, convicted him of conspiracy, and sentenced him to death by way of beheading on the chopping bl...

Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated.

Is that the opposite of being beheaded?.

If Saudi Arabia want to win their next game,

They need to beheading the ball less.

It seems Like Saudi Arabia

will surely beheading out of the World Cup

My girlfriend said that I was too old-fashioned.

So I beheaded her.

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A german a swedish and an israeli are kidnapped by ISIS

"Now infidels, you have one last wish before you are beheaded"

The german pleads for mercy
"Germany has always embraced your people, what have i done to deserve this ?"

no answer

"i.. i will have a sausage, and a good beer"

The swedish screams at the top of his lungs...

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I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

What did the executioner say to his wife when he left?

I'll beheading out now.

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You must pass two tests, or die

Three explorers were bushwhacking their way through darkest Africa when they came upon an undiscovered tribe of cannibals.

The Chief informed them that they must each pass two important tests, or they would be eaten.

They were told for test number one, they must go into th...

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by a barbaric tribe...

The tribe sentences all of them to death by beheading. The priest starts praying profusely as he stares up at the sharp bladed guillotine ready to end his life. His chants get stronger and frantic as the lever is finally pulled. Miraculously, the blade stops halfway and the tribe fearful of this man...

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Three pilots were stranded on an island with inhabited by an untouched tribe.

The chief of the tribe told them that he would spare their lives if they manage to accomplish two tasks he will give them. Should they fail, they will be executed immediately. The first task was to bring him 5 of the same fruit from the forest, the second task would be told after they succeed.
...

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[NSFW]Up the ass.

3 men were caught and surrounded by tribals. The tribal king walks forward and said,

"I'll spare your life if you managed to find and bring me 10 identical fruits of the same type within the hour."

Relieved with the recieved chance, they scrambled off. After 45 minutes, Jack came with ...

An ISIS fighter I stopped at a roadblock

The soldier stops him, "Where are you heading?"

The fighter take out his knife and points in front of him and replies, "I'll beheading that way."

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

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I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg, and an eye patch on.

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg and an eye patch on.

I asked what misfortune caused the loss of his leg. “A shark bit me leg clean off”

Curiosity piqued, I asked about his hand. “This beheaded fish still had the gall to bite down mighty fierce”

Las...

On Reddit you get crucified for not checking your facts...

But on Tumblr you get beheaded for not checking your privelage.

A man goes to a carnival advertising the three greatest samurai on earth...

He joins the expectant crowd eager to get their money's worth.

"The third greatest samurai" comes the announcement. The samurai steps up. A box is opened and a fly buzzes out. He draws his sword, there's a flash of light, and the fly falls in two equal halves. The crowd cheers.

"The s...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

If The Jungle Book were written by George R.R. Martin...

Bagheera would have died saving Mowgli from the snake, Kaa. Mowgli would have fallen while fetching honey for Baloo and become paralyzed. Kaa would have been beheaded by a bitter rival from House Anaconda. Raksha, sending her cubs to seek refuge in the jungle, dies at the hands (paws) of Shere Khan....

A Frenchman, an Britton and an American are walking in the jungle when...

they meet a cannibal tribe. They are captured and the tribe leader says: "Finally, some fresh meat. And we can make some extra canoes with your skins. But we are not that cruel. We let you choose the way you die." The Frenchman may choose first and chooses to be beheaded by guillotine, he hoped the...

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

A spy is captured by terrorists in a hostile country. [Long]

The terrorists lock him in a windowless room with a chair, a table, and five items on the table. The terrorist comes in and says that each day, the man may pick one of the items to be removed. On the last day, the terrorists will kill him with the remaining item. The spy looks at the table to see a ...

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

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