Johnny's Jokes - 45 Hilarious Johnny's Jokes

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

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Little Johnny's teacher...

... was going over the week's vocabulary words and asked the class if anyone could use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Nobody raised their hand except Little Johnny.

"Anybody? Anyone at all?" she asked, ignoring Little Johnny who was enthusiastically waving his hand from the back of the...

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Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

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Johnny's teacher noticed him walking down the street one Saturday--

She was used to Little Johnny's antics by now, but this time was weird, even for him. He was holding a cat, and what looked like a pack of Tic-tacs. He would walk for a little bit, stop, eat a couple of candies, bite the cat, and start walking again.

When they got close enough, she asked, "Li...

Little Johnny's trip to the zoo left him breathless

and the boa constrictor euthanized.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. So when the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad als...

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Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that,

Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,...

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Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.

"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.

"Now listen," said his mother...

Johnny's little secret

One day Johnny's mom walks in on him while he was making out with his girlfriend.

Johnny was embarrassed and didn't want his family to find out he had his first girlfriend.

But his mom smiled and said, "don't worry Johnny I won't tell your father this will be our little secret."
...

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Little Johnny's got his priorities straight

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a jewelry and shit worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throu...

Lil Johnny's Sheep

Lil Johnny is walking a sheep through town. The Mayor stops and asks Lil Johnny what he is doing.

"Silly Billy has a boy sheep and I'm taking our girl sheep to his ranch to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.

The mayor thinks this is a bad idea and tells Lil Johnny that this is a job hi...

Little Johnny's Testimony

Little Johnny was home with mom while dad was away at work.
Mom asked "So, Johnny boy. What did you do with daddy while I was at grandma's yesterday?"
"I was doing my homework that suddenly aunt Lilly came home and daddy took her to your bedroom and locked the door. When I looked through the ...

Little Johnny's school is having a day where they honor the military, and Johnny's class is going through a worksheet.

They go through the answers to the final question,

"What are things that a teacher and a soilder can say?"

The teacher picks Caitlyn first for an answer.

Caitlyn says, "Today, we are going to learn how to fly drones!"

The teacher responds, "Excellent! Drones allow soldie...

Little Johnny's Homework

Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework?

Johnny: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in school.

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The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class...

...what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said:

"My mom's a streetwalker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's o...

One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question,

"Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"
"No, grandpa."
"It said, Between you and me, something smells."

Johnny

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor ...

It's little Johnny's birthday

And his parents say he can have whatever he wants. He first asks his dad if they can shower together. "sure, son. Just don't look down."

Johnny looks down. "what's that daddy?"

Quick to think, his father replies, "that's my limousine."

Later that night, little johnny asks his mo...

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Little Johnny's class assignment

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the cust...

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

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Johnny's first day of school.

Johnny was starting school and his mother was talking with the teacher, "don't ask Johnny a lot of questions because his mouth can be foul at times". So the teacher thinking about this, starts the day with a game. "I'll give a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that lett...

Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johnny's Game

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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Little Johnny and Baseball

Once a man having an affair unexpectedly finds the husband returning earlier than expected, He ends up hiding in the closet, where, unfortunately for him, little Johnny is also hiding.

Johnny: “Dark in here.”
“Yes it is.”
“I have a baseball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Want to b...

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

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The teacher of little Johnny's class asks the pupils if they can use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence...

A little boy sticks his hand up.
"Yes, Daniel"
"I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful", says Daniel.
"Very good, Daniel", smiles the teacher, "Anybody else?".
Veronica's hand goes up. "I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr...

Little Johnny's teacher asks

"George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe!"

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Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

Little Johnny's b day

It was little Johnny's 8th b day. His mom was about to take a shower when little Johnny asked her if he can shower with her.

Little Johnny's mom said no.
Johnny said that it was her b day and she finally said yes.

In the shower little Johnny looked up a little and asked his mom wh...

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Little Johnny gets a big surprise....

Little Johnny is walking home one day from school when he looks over into the farmers field and gets a big grin on his face. He runs the rest of way home, bursts through the front door and says...

"Mom! Dad! You'll never guess what I just saw!"
"Well go on then Johnny, tell us." His father...

Johnny's last day at work

Johnny has worked for Exploit Inc for 40 Years. On top of a bad company culture, he had one of the worst boss you could ever imagine. Despite being a manager himself, everyday he had to bring coffee to his boss. The company never wanted to pay for a lift so he had to climb up two levels of stairs. A...

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Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks...

Little Johnny

The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey.

Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

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Johnny's Date

Two friends got lucky after one night at the bar and picked a lady each. When they decided to go down to the nitty gritty they found out they have no money left for the hotel room and knew already the ladies wouldn't do anything on the car so they remembered that his friend Johnny lived alone and th...

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

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