UPJOKE
guitarelectric guitarmusicianbassistacoustic guitarpercussionisttrombonistbass guitarpianistsaxophonistbandharmonicatrumpeterguitar playerhendrix

What do you call a female electric guitarist?

Roxane Rolls

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays four chords in front of thousands of people.

How many bass guitarists do you need to change a lightbulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.

Why do females prefer guitarists?

Because of their fingering technique

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to say "I could do that".

What’s a cheese’s favorite guitarist?

Curd Cobain

Why are bass guitarists always safe?

Because they stay out of treble.

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Why are guitarists good strippers?

They know how to rock a G string

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

Bass guitarist.

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

How does a guitarist change a lightbulb?

Like anyone else. And other guitarists say "Van Halen would have changed it better".

RIP

Why was the guitarist arrested?

Because he was fingering A minor...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Why did police arrest the guitarist in the park who was surrounded by kids?

He fingered the wrong minor.

Why Did Michael Jackson's Guitarist Quit?

Michael asked him to drop the G-string and put the D into A minor.

What's a guitarist favour type of cheese?

Shredded cheese

Why do women like guitarists?

Because they are good at fingering.

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?

Give them some sheet music

I wonder why Kevin Spacey is such a good guitarist.

Probably because he’s had a lot of practise fingering minors

How many guitarist does it take to play stairway to heaven?

Apparently all of them

Why do girls go crazy for guitarists?

Because they're good with their fingering and they know their way around a G-string

How did the guitarist die?

He crashed his pickup into a bridge and broke his neck.

You guys know why a guitarist went to jail?

Cuz he fingered a minor

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

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A guitarist goes to a bar

He orders a gin and tonic

then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.

The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"

To which the guitarist replies:

"No, Pentatonic."

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What does a pedophile and a guitarist have in common...

They both like to finger A-minor.

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What happened to the male stripper who was also a guitarist?

He snapped his G String

How do you know a lead guitarist has entered the building?

Got the wrong key and doesn't know when to come in.

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

They say I play like a prison guitarist

I'm always behind a few bars, and I can never find the right keys

Why do women throw underwear at guitarists at concerts?

Just in case their G-string breaks.

Why did the ska guitarist take twice as long to fap?

He only knows up strokes

For you guitarists out there...

After going through a brutal divorce, a woman decides to get revenge. She goes to get ex's house, and proceeds to destroy each and every one of his guitars. When she gets to court, the judge asks her;

"First offender?"

She replies; "No. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

Q. Which shredding guitarist is best for putting out electrical fires?

A. Eddie Van Halon.

Why did the anxious guitarist quit the band?

He didn't want to fret anymore.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?

A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.

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I'm a guitarist!

A guy walks into a store, walks up to the counter and says " I would like a set of nylon strings, a set of steel strings, a loop pedal and 3 picks please."

The owner says " You're a fucking drummer aren't you?"

"No, no, I'm a guitarist!"

"You're a fucking drummer!"

"How d...

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guitarists are pretty good as bisexual lovers

on the one hand, their fingering must be pretty good; on the other, their wrist action must be pretty good too.

Musician's Joke: The guitarist of a band walks into their rehearsal room and sees the bassist and the drummer having an argument

Guitarist: "Why are you arguing?"

Bassist: "The drummer detuned one of my strings."

Guitarist: "So what's the problem?"

Bassist: "He won't tell me which one!"

Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his van?

It took him 2 hours to get his drummer out.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change lightbulb?

One. He just stands there with the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.

What does Roy Moore and a guitarist have in common?

They both enjoy fingering minors.

Bob was a great guitarist

Until the day he stepped in a puddle while playing his Fender Strat, that was the moment he became a great conductor.

Why are violinists braver than guitarists?

They never fret.

How do you invite a guitarist to a party?

Chordially.

How many guitarists does it take to cover 'Dust In The Wind'?

Evidently all of them.

My friend was a pretty good guitarist

But that one time he stepped in a puddle while playing his electric guitar on an old, badly grounded amp, he became a great conductor.

What do you say when there's a singer, guitarist, bassist, and a drummer in a boat?

Abandon ship

Did you hear the guitarist who got in trouble?

He was fingering a G string but didn't notice it was A minor.

How do you know a guitarist is sad?

They start to fret.

How do you become as good a guitarist as Steve Vai?

You take your Vaitamins.

What do you call an acclaimed guitarist who raises chickens?

A Hen-drix

A date with the lead guitarist

(oc)
This groupie finally got a date with the lead guitarist of her band.

The next day, her friends asked her how things went. "Well", she replied, "it was frustrating... the guy spent half his time tuning up and the other half playing out of rhythm."

What did the guitarist say to the magician...

Pick a chord, any chord.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

Why was the guitarist banned from church?

Because he struck a Gsus

In response to the Country Singer lightbulb joke, how many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

13.

1 to do it, and 12 to say they could do it better.

Why are bass guitarists always standing at the front door?

Because they don't know when to come in.

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

A band visited the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone without a guide.

Everyone suffered from radiation poisoning, except the lead guitarist.

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