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Invested Jokes

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

I was shocked to learn my fathers entire portfolio was invested in Rita Hayworth, Bette Davis, Hedy Lamarr, Mae West and Lauren Bacall...

He tells me it's a broad index fund.

I invested in a coin making machine

It just made cents.

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

If you had invested $1000 in JP Morgan in 1882, today you'll be

D E A D

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.

Dolly Parton has invested $1m in the Moderna covid vaccine

It's working 9 to 5 perecent of the time, what a way to keep us living

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

I invested in Teflon

It didn’t stick

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

I invested all of my money on cannabis infused beef.

The steaks are high

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

If I had invested $1000 into Bitcoin today I would have...

No idea how it worked

I'm jealous of the people who first invested in elevators

They really got in on the ground floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saudi Arabia just invested $1 billion in Virgin Galactic...

...1 down, only 71 to go!

A farmer invested 10 million USD towards research on marijuana effects on cows.

The steak were high

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain

He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...

What do you call someone who invested in a cattle farm?

He has a steak in it.

Don't know about you guys but I invested in Crypto and I'm laughing all the way to the bank

^^where ^^I ^^will ^^keep ^^my ^^money ^^from ^^now ^^on..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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