What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

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Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

What’s the difference between taxes and Texas?

At no point have my taxes ever been frozen.

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

Don't forget to pay your taxes this year....

.....other countries and politicians are depending on you.

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

Why did the toad evade his taxes?

He was Kermiting frog.

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

"Nothing is certain but death and taxes"

Unless you're Trump apparently

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes?

He’s afraid of the Sea’s Fee.

A hooker is preparing her taxes...

comes across a field where she is to specify her job details.

Occupation: Contractor

Details: demolition of temporary erections

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

What did the pop star say when she learned she owed back taxes?

Lorde.

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

It’s absolutely disgusting the way people cheat on their taxes...

This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium

Taxes are like antibacterial gel.

They only effective against the 99%

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

You can't let a big cat do your taxes

Some of them are cheetahs

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My sex life and my taxes fall in the same category.

Married, but filing separately.

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

What do you call people who live off other people's taxes on an estate?

The Royal Family

My dyslexic dad got a letter in the post saying he's been dodging taxes.

After reading it he said: "But I never take a cab anywhere."

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

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Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

Every German citizen contributes to their country through taxes...

So I guess Germany runs on krautfunding.

Don't worry if you have been cheating on your taxes.

It'll be fine.

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Taxes are like necrophelia

You’re already dead but you’re fucked anyway

Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

Where does a pirate go to do his taxes?

H&Rrrrrr block (pirate voice)

I thought of this the other day, not sure if it's an actual joke or not, made me laugh at myself though.

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

I certainly hope there are no taxes in the afterlife

Otherwise, there'll be hell to pay.

There are three certainties in life:

Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

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Having prositutes do your taxes after sex

is an efficient use of the entire hour.

My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes.

He developed H&R block.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive,

Try not paying your taxes.

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