UPJOKE
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What's the difference between death and taxes?

Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me

This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

If death could collect taxes, what would it be called?

The death toll.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

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Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

What is the difference between government taxes and your wife's?

Five years on, the taxes will still suck you.

What’s the difference between Texas and taxes?

Taxes can keep an electrical grid running.

So I decided to get drunk last night and do my taxes

I’m getting back $4,000,000.

I've got a great idea for tax evasion

Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing free food and a roommate

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

Don't forget to pay your taxes this year....

.....other countries and politicians are depending on you.

What do you call a Sith Lord who doesn’t pay his taxes?

Darth Evader

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

If Government can print money

Then why are we paying taxes?!?

I hate doing my taxes

I'm just not Intuit

If everyone stopped paying taxes...

The government couldn't afford to do anything about it.....

The king asks his tax collector

"How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"

The tax collector replies "im afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay thier taxes in chickens"

With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage t...

Why did the toad evade his taxes?

He was Kermiting frog.

German taxes really are...

The wurst

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

"Nothing is certain but death and taxes"

Unless you're Trump apparently

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

A hooker is preparing her taxes...

comes across a field where she is to specify her job details.

Occupation: Contractor

Details: demolition of temporary erections

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...

but they forget that their country is independent because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

What did the pop star say when she learned she owed back taxes?

Lorde.

How do you donate money to Taliban ?

Just pay taxes in USA.

Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes?

He’s afraid of the Sea’s Fee.

Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

What do you call people who live off other people's taxes on an estate?

The Royal Family

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium

Where does a pirate go to do his taxes?

H&Rrrrrr block (pirate voice)

I thought of this the other day, not sure if it's an actual joke or not, made me laugh at myself though.

Taxes are like antibacterial gel.

They only effective against the 99%

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Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

My dyslexic dad got a letter in the post saying he's been dodging taxes.

After reading it he said: "But I never take a cab anywhere."

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My sex life and my taxes fall in the same category.

Married, but filing separately.

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

Don't worry if you have been cheating on your taxes.

It'll be fine.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend….

He was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, to...

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Random joke

A govt laid taxes on sex workers for blowjobs recently. I think it was a suck-cess.

Every German citizen contributes to their country through taxes...

So I guess Germany runs on krautfunding.

How does yoda feel about extra taxes on alcohol?

Backwards, the sintax is.

May the 4th be with you!

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

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Taxes are like necrophelia

You’re already dead but you’re fucked anyway

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Three leaders of the free world and Putin walk into a inn looking for a hot bowl of stew

Biden, Macron, Zelenskyy, and Putin walk into a inn hungry for a bowl of hot bowl of stew. The innkeeper apologizes, saying that the last bowl went to the woman in the corner with her baby.

They think they can get it off of her.

So Macron walks up to her and says, "Bonjour Madame, I...

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Having prositutes do your taxes after sex

is an efficient use of the entire hour.

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Sean Bean dying in a movie

...and I'm not completely sure about the first two.

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