What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

Taxes are like antibacterial gel.

They only effective against the 99%

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...

but they forget that their country is independent because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

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My sex life and my taxes fall in the same category.

Married, but filing separately.

Every German citizen contributes to their country through taxes...

So I guess Germany runs on krautfunding.

My dyslexic dad got a letter in the post saying he's been dodging taxes.

After reading it he said: "But I never take a cab anywhere."

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Taxes are like necrophelia

You’re already dead but you’re fucked anyway

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Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me...

This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

Don't worry if you have been cheating on your taxes.

It'll be fine.

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

What do you call people who live off other people's taxes on an estate?

The Royal Family

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

Where does a pirate go to do his taxes?

H&Rrrrrr block (pirate voice)

I thought of this the other day, not sure if it's an actual joke or not, made me laugh at myself though.

What goes up but never comes down?

Taxes

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Having prositutes do your taxes after sex

is an efficient use of the entire hour.

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes.

He developed H&R block.

What do you call a Sith Lord who doesn’t pay taxes?

A tax e-vader.

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

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The Tax Poem

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teac...

Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

Three politicians and little Johnny are walking down the street.

There's a republican, a democrat and a libertarian walking on one side of the street and little Johnny on the other. They come across a horribly dilapidated bridge, looking like it's about to collapse.

"We should raise taxes and have some company fix it. Then everybody will be able to use it ...

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

I recently told a joke about how Democrats favor small government, and decreased taxes.

It didn't go over very well. Everyone said it was politically incorrect.

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(NSFW) Tax time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "Whats your occupation?"

"I'm a lady of the ni...

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Sean Bean dying in a movie

...and I'm not completely sure about the first two.

I never use TurboTax to file my taxes.

I'm just not Intuit.

How does yoda feel about extra taxes on alcohol?

Backwards, the sintax is.

May the 4th be with you!

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

Only 3 things are certain

Death, taxes, and the truth of this statements.

They say we should pay our taxes with a smile...

I tried, but they wanted cash.

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

Not a dime of our taxes was used to buy bookmarks....

Politicians prefer to bend a page over.

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

Why doesn't Santa pay taxes?

Generations ago, when Santa's grandparents were in charge of the gift-giving industry, the North Pole was starting its population boom. Consequentially, the North Polish government decided they should tax these new and future residents to keep the nation afloat. But as Santa's grandparents had been ...

The only constants in life are taxes, death, and...

99c+tax AriZona Iced Tea

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The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth

The IRS still wants to fuck you.

There are three certainties in life. Death, taxes...

...and the fact that the object in front of you causes cancer in the state of California.

Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The se...

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