My maths teacher always told me I should pay attention if I wanted to show any improvement but she was completely wrong.

My stick figure doodles got better every single week.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

An Engineer Dies And Goes to Hell…

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how are thing...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch

I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My woman wanted to try new things to spice up sex.

I told her to come over and I would show her the improvement on the 69. She got pissed when I told her it's called the 68. You suck my dick and I owe you one.

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

Been going to the gym now for 6 weeks and have noticed some huge improvements.

For one, they've fixed the water cooler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW NSFL A dude want to grow a big one

While visiting a nude sauna, man#1 notices another man with probe down to his knees. Amazed and shocked, decided to ask or advice.

How did you get it so long?
Well... you tie a 5lbs weight to it and wait a week.

In a week there is no improvement. Dude decides to tie a 5 gallon buck...

I was at my local home improvement store yesterday

And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."

I love smoking weed in a home improvement store.

Best way to take your highs with your Lowe's.

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My psychiatrist says I’m making big improvements dealing with my tendency to read hostility into situations

That fucking sarcastic asshole.

What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders?

Home Despot.

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

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A prostitute in Utrecht walked into a doctor's office asking for information about a breast enlargement.

When asked how she'd pay for it, she said she had insurance. The doctor was curious why it would be covered. She replied that it covers ergonomic improvements

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

I wanted to impress my friends so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

Even though I considered it as A Major task, I could only C Minor improvement.

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