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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

The European Commission

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders?

Home Despot.

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

Been going to the gym now for 6 weeks and have noticed some huge improvements.

For one, they've fixed the water cooler.

I love smoking weed in a home improvement store.

Best way to take your highs with your Lowe's.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while...

Long ago, my mentor told me to look into self improvement. He used to mumble a bit, though.

Now I don't have the discipline to actually build one, but I know everything about constructing shelves.

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

I’m trying to come up with an iphone 11 joke...

It’s basically an iphone X joke with a few minor tweaks and improvements

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A man is diagnosed with testicular cancer

After a routine check-up, Mike was discovered to have a massive tumour in his ballsack and his life was turned upside down. His girlfriend broke up with him when she heard and he lost his job as a pornstar, when his empolyer heard about his cancer. After a few months of chemo, and no improvements to...

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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

I was at my local home improvement store yesterday

And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.

One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so sh...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”

the...

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

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A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor,when it was her turn she entered.

The doctor: Hello,is everything okay,what's the problem?

The woman: you see doc,my problem is that i fart a lot,but the good thing is my farts have no smell, and my evidence is si...

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

I wanted to impress my friends so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

Even though I considered it as A Major task, I could only C Minor improvement.

A man visits a counselor

The counselor says "You should look to improve your life, but it'll take a lot of work on your part."

Months pass, and the man comes back.

"What brings you in today?" asks the counselor.

"Two things. First, thanks for the advice it totally worked!"

"What... that was fast,...

A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.

That’s why they used common core standards.

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

Dear Mother In Law,

Don't teach me how to bring up my children.

I'm living with one of yours and they need a lot of improvement.

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A young native American boy visits his father, the chief of the village

After a few minutes of casual discussion, the wise chief could tell the boy was upset, so he finally asks "My son, what troubles you?"

Reluctantly, the boy answers "I... seek your knowledge, father."

Smiling proudly at his son's quest for improvement, he eagerly agrees, "Of course, my...

What do you call it when a white man on a dance floor has a seizure?

An improvement

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

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English Teacher

A young woman applies for a job at a school. The principal looks at her pretty and innocent face and tells her “I’m sorry Our only opening is for an English teacher for a special class. The students in this class are rejects from all over the city and can’t spell even the simplest of words. No other...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

"Welcome to my domain!" Satan says, with a malicious grin and a nod to the lava pools and torture devices. "I hope it's to your liking."

"It's alright," the engineer says. "But it could do with some improvements. I'd be happy to help if you give me go...

The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.

The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing t...

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My wife told me she would have sex with me anytime if I would do some work around the house on that day.

I took her up on her offer and the last 30 days of sex and home improvements I've replaced windows, painted inside and out, put in new flooring and updated the kitchen.

In a few weeks I'll be able to sell this place and move in with my girlfriend.

I'm not a great interior designer.

There's room for improvement.

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.

"It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt uprigh...

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Does masturbation improve reading?

I read that masturbation brings a remarkable improvement in lexicon, and I was absorbed by this statement devoid of reason. Everyone knows that it exacerbates me when I witness a petulant fool brandishing bombastic cultisms as banal corollaries whose ephemeral purpose is to obscure the rickety colle...

An old one but a good one..

Two guys walk into a bar, and one of them orders a mushroom soup. The other guy asks him how the mushroom soup tastes, to which he responds "It's good, but there is mushroom for improvement"

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

Dog Problems

My dog was having problems with his tail so I sent him to obedience school. A few weeks later there wasn't any improvement so I rang the school and found out he'd been wagging

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

My son used to be horrible at graphing trig functions.

Luckily he's made excellent sines of improvement.

So a tornado tore through a trailor park, and caused 1000s of dollars of...

...improvements.

Every Friday night for years, two couples have met to play bridge

The husbands always team up against the wives. One Friday night, during a break in game play, the women head to the kitchen, leaving the guys at the card table.
“You know, Bob,” says Steve, “we’ve played bridge every Friday night for years, and every Friday night I have to help you remember whic...

Germany lost 1-0 in Russia.

This is actually an improvement, last time Germany went to Russia they lost half their country.

A cowboy walks into a bar

and orders a dose of the strongest drink available. The bartender serves a glass, the cowboy drinks it all in a single swallow, hits the glass on the table and asks for more.

The bartender serves another dose and the cowboy again drinks it all in one gulp and asks for more. The bartender serv...

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So a man goes to a doctor about a tapeworm

A man visits a doctor in regards to what he suspects is a tapeworm. The doctor confirms that is the likely parasite and tells the man, "Go to a grocery store, there's one across the street, and buy a dozen eggs. Also buy ten tootsie rolls. Every day at 2 PM for the next 10 days, shove an egg up your...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

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An Engineer Goes To Hell (repost from r/AskReddit, all credit to armaha)

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..."
At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on ...

Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?

So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

Worlds biggest tractor enthusiast...

A man spends his life collecting memorabilia, merchandise and every other trinket to do with tractors. He works in a tractor shop, has tractor dreams and spends every moment of his free time working on his very own tractor.
One day however, he realises that he needs more, so he turns his life ar...

A company develops a machine for evaluating IQ.

The scientists developing it asks for the help of the supervisor, manager and president of the firm to test the machine.


When the supervisor places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 160', and he was very impressed.


When the manager places his head on the machine, it re...

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Ian's struggling with his vocabulary, so his teacher gives him a word each morning to use in a sentence.

Today, due to Ian's steady improvement the teacher decides to up the game. "Ian the word i have for you today is contagious, you have until the end of the day." Five minutes before final bell the teacher calls Ian in front of the class. Ian struts up confidently. "Well miss, I didn't even need the w...

A woman calls the reception of Mount Sinai Hospital ....

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Fink...

A man goes to the bank...

and asks for a home-improvement loan.

The loan officer asks him what home improvements he plans to do.

The man responds, "well, I'd like to send my wife on a 6-month vacation."

The loan officer replies, "sir, a vacation for your wife isn't a home improvement."

The man sa...

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

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My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English

> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
&g...

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What most job descriptions really mean:

"the ability to learn new things" - you'll need this ability to learn how to pull salary for two months, how to make food economy, etc.

"young team" - we can not afford than students ;

"young and dynamic environment" - we change students each year;

"with the desire for self-impr...

An F5 tornado went through Arkansas last week...

It did $150 million worth of improvements.

Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...

...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."


"Did it work?" the other guy asks.

...

An engineer dies and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Paul sees him and says - 'Engineer? You're not welcome here - beat it!'. The engineer arrives in hell, and is immediately dissatisfied with his living conditions. After making several improvements, hell has flushing toilets, running water, escalators and even air conditioning.
One day, God ca...

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One of my all-time faves...

A woman was involved in a near-fatal car accident that rendered her comatose. For weeks she laid in her hospital bed, showing no signs of improvement. Her faithful husband visited her several times a day, never giving up hope.
One morning, a nurse was performing a sponge bath on her patient whe...

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.

So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.

This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every referen...

There once was a cheerio...

There once was a cheerio who lived on plain cheerio island. He lived his life working 16 hours, 7 days a week, trying just to make ends meet. But all of this was pointless; he was not going anywhere in life. He would never end up with the prosperous cheerios on Frosted Cheerio island - or so he thou...

Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey?

A few billion dollars worth of improvements

So I ordered a pizza

I ordered a funghi pizza yesterday but I was pretty disappointed.. They obviously have mushroom for improvement

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A Blonde Goes Into A Hardware Store

A Blonde is doing some home improvement work and needs to replace a door. However, she needs two hinges and only has one. She goes down to the massive home improvement store to purchase the second one.

She finds an employee, who helps her find the hinge she needs. The employee decides to be h...

Came up with this on the spot tonight

Two rocks walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender asks them what they would like. One rock, speaking for the both of them says "we'll have two pints please". Astounded by this, the second rock exclaims "Pints?!" He turns to the bartender and tells him "two quartz".

An old woman goes to the doctor with horrible gas.

"Doctor, I have been having horrible gas recently. It's almost constant, but they're always silent and don't smell. Although they aren't too hard to live with, I worry about my health."

The Doctor thinks for a moment and writes the woman a prescription.

"Take these every day for 2 week...

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Big Chief...

There was this Chief somewhere in a tribe and he was constipated.

After the 1st day, he sent a runner to go get his personal medicine man. The medicine man asked the runner what the problems was. The runner says *"Big CHIEF, NO Shit"*.

So he sent the Chief some local laxatives and told...

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Voodoo Dildo

A woman had just recently been separated from her longtime boyfriend. After a week went by she was getting horny, so she stuck her hand down her pants and starting fapping on the couch. She tried to get off but just could not with her hand. Frustrated and unable to sleep she decided to go the t...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.

Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic Scho...

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