UPJOKE
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Kid : Mom, what's dark humour

Mom : Do you see that man without arms over in that corner? Tell him to clap.

Kid : Mom!!! I'm blind

Mom : Exactly

My wife and I share the same sense of humour...

We have to. She doesn't have one.

What’s the difference between Amrican and British humour?

The spelling (This joke is better said out loud) (Aw frick. That’s a heck of a typo)

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

They say dark humour's a lot like food...

Not everyone gets it.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I'm really funny, people tell me my humour comes in all sorts of colors.

Someone suggested I should be a stand up chameleon.

Humour is like food

Some people don’t get it

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

Dead children are like Dark humour.

They never get old.

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

Why did Helen Keller not get the joke about the fishes ?

Because she didn't have aqueous humour

Hey, I like dark humour, I can't help myself. Last week I saw a video of a kid getting hit by a car and just BURST out laughing...

The police officers didn't seem impressed but I just told them, "you had to be there".

My friends say I have no sense of humour

I think they're joking

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

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What’s common between humour and sex?

You either get it, or you don’t!

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Humour as dark as a black man

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?


None he fell

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There’s usually a dead baby.

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

Just heard this little bit of boomer humour

A priest is giving a sermon in church when suddenly flames leap up from behind the altar and the devil himself rises from below. Terrified all but one of the congregation flee, the devil stares at the last remaining member of the church, a single old man and asks him, ‘are you not afraid mortal?’...

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My Wife

My wife got naked and asked me, “what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body”

I looked her up and down before letting her know, “it would have to be your sense of humour”

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British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in p...

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That one was a violation!

Him: Hey, girl ... I want to get into your pants!

(\*looks at his friends thinking he has done something great\*)

Her: Sorry I already have one asshole in my pants

(\*PS: plz don't hate me ... I do not have a good sense of humour \*)

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and lack a sense of humour.

The Sinful Meat

Bacon proves God has a sense of humour.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

Why are bald jokes the deepest form of humour

Because they cause reflection

What do you call the Greek God of Humour?

Hilarios.

Dark humour

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

Toilet humour is not my favourite kind of joke

But it's a solid number two.

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What humour does a pansexual necrophiliac like?

Deadpan humour

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

Dark humour joke

Kobe Bryant missed a shot because of the flash of a camera.

To stop this from happening again, he stared at the sun for 8 hours to train his eyes.

It’s a shame he couldn’t see the mountain.

Which type of people are the world's fastest readers [DARK HUMOUR]

9/11 victims. They went through more than 50 stories in 10 seconds.

Dark Humour isn’t that popular anymore....

Is my way of telling my Black Friend he’s not funny.

Someone asked me how dark my humour is

Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back

How much humour does a woman of the church have?

Nun

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Little bit of dark humour for you!

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will ...

DARK humour

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared.

" The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back ALONE."

Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour.

that's why I use it all the time

Okay, we've had so many countries, let's try it with german humour...

...now laugh!

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My kind I humour

What does a frog say to his wife when he’s horny

Rub it...rub it

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

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My dick got more humour than me

Everytime i unzip my pants my girl start laughing

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If you joke about dying, that's gallows humour...

But if you joke about cocks, that's *gallus* humour.

There was a tap on the door

That plumber had a sense of humour

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

Tried dark humour last night.

Nobody could see the punchline

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

Canadian humour

Did you know that Justin Bieber isn't the most famous Canadian Justin. I know it sounds wierd but it's Trudeau.

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour...

but it's a solid #2.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Self-deprecating humour is the lowest form of entertainment.

And I can't even get *that* right.

Here's some Lame Game Dev Humour:

So, I used to work at a studio - doesn't really matter where - and there was this one guy who'd always be around. Just around. I didn't want to seem impolite so I never asked what he did. I kept my head down and did my thing, you know. I mostly forgot about him, except for when I'd be working late a...

I love self deprecating humour...

Too bad i suck at it.

Unfortunately my style of humour is reflected in the type of woman I attract.

Dry.

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Why do black people have horrible sense of humour?

They do not have access to Dad Jokes.

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

Cop Humour

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, ...

Meta Humour.

"A guy walks into a bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "If you can tell me a meta joke, I'll give you a free drink." So the guy says:
""A guy walks into a bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "If you can tell me a meta joke, I'll give you a free drink." So the guy says: ...

Justice has been served [long, English humour]

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them &a...

Puns are the lowest form of humour

Unless you thought of it yourself, then is hilarious

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

I apologise for my lame jokes

I am afflicted with a crippling sense of humour

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A young German wants to travel (x-post from German_Humour)

A young man is undecided where he should spend this year's vacation. He asks his granfather for advice.

Grandfather: 'When I was your age, I went to Paris. I went to a bar and everything was for free. I was totally drunk, climbed on the counter and pissed on the floor. After that I spanked th...

More dark humour

After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first doctor”. The doctor replies, “We’ll, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to ...

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Self deprecative humour is a bit like sex.

Generally speaking, I just don't get it.

I occasionally enjoy dark humour...

Which is why I turn the lights off before browsing /r/Jokes.

Australian humour.

This Australian guy said to me, I just saw a Man playing "Dancing Queen" on a didgeridoo, I thought to myself that's Abbariginal.

will you enjoy some humour?

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offense!

------------ --------- ---------

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long li...

[DARK HUMOUR] What do you call a fat baby?

Quite a mouthful.

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British toilet humour.

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked d...

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