UPJOKE
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Kid : Mom, what's dark humour

Mom : Do you see that man without arms over in that corner? Tell him to clap.

Kid : Mom!!! I'm blind

Mom : Exactly

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

Dark humour is like a child with cancer.

It never gets old.

They say dark humour's a lot like food...

Not everyone gets it.

Dry Humour

A man went to his doctor, dialogue ensues:

Patient: Doctor im not ok. Whenever I sleep I dream of a Power Ranger.

Doctor: Who?

Patient: The blue one.

My wife and I share the same sense of humour...

We have to. She doesn't have one.

What’s the difference between Amrican and British humour?

The spelling (This joke is better said out loud) (Aw frick. That’s a heck of a typo)

How many Germans ...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, because we are efficient and do not have a sense of humour.

I'm really funny, people tell me my humour comes in all sorts of colors.

Someone suggested I should be a stand up chameleon.

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There’s usually a dead baby.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

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What’s common between humour and sex?

You either get it, or you don’t!

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

My friends say I have no sense of humour

I think they're joking

Hey, I like dark humour, I can't help myself. Last week I saw a video of a kid getting hit by a car and just BURST out laughing...

The police officers didn't seem impressed but I just told them, "you had to be there".

Which type of people are the world's fastest readers [DARK HUMOUR]

9/11 victims. They went through more than 50 stories in 10 seconds.

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Humour as dark as a black man

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?


None he fell

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British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in p...

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

What do you call the Greek God of Humour?

Hilarios.

Just heard this little bit of boomer humour

A priest is giving a sermon in church when suddenly flames leap up from behind the altar and the devil himself rises from below. Terrified all but one of the congregation flee, the devil stares at the last remaining member of the church, a single old man and asks him, ‘are you not afraid mortal?’...

Toilet humour is not my favourite kind of joke

But it's a solid number two.

Dark humour joke

Kobe Bryant missed a shot because of the flash of a camera.

To stop this from happening again, he stared at the sun for 8 hours to train his eyes.

It’s a shame he couldn’t see the mountain.

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Little bit of dark humour for you!

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will ...

Someone asked me how dark my humour is

Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back

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What humour does a pansexual necrophiliac like?

Deadpan humour

Dark humour

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

Dark Humour isn’t that popular anymore....

Is my way of telling my Black Friend he’s not funny.

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

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A Geordie private in the Napoleonic Wars was walking alongside his General when he heard a rythmic rumble in the distance.

"Whats that noise, General?" the Private asked.

"Those are war drums, lad"

"Thieving bastards!"

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Hope you all enjoy this niche bit of Northern English humour!

How much humour does a woman of the church have?

Nun

DARK humour

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared.

" The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back ALONE."

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A 35 year old virgin, fed up with constant dating failures,

goes to see his doctor, for the umpteenth time. Fed up with the constant complaints, his doctor finally relents.

"Ok ok. There's a new guy in town, from Hong Kong. Chinese. Relationship specialist. I think he's a quack but it's worth a try." Says his doc and gives him the address.

Th...

Okay, we've had so many countries, let's try it with german humour...

...now laugh!

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My kind I humour

What does a frog say to his wife when he’s horny

Rub it...rub it

Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour.

that's why I use it all the time

Tried dark humour last night.

Nobody could see the punchline

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

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My dick got more humour than me

Everytime i unzip my pants my girl start laughing

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

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If you joke about dying, that's gallows humour...

But if you joke about cocks, that's *gallus* humour.

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

Canadian humour

Did you know that Justin Bieber isn't the most famous Canadian Justin. I know it sounds wierd but it's Trudeau.

Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour...

but it's a solid #2.

Self-deprecating humour is the lowest form of entertainment.

And I can't even get *that* right.

Here's some Lame Game Dev Humour:

So, I used to work at a studio - doesn't really matter where - and there was this one guy who'd always be around. Just around. I didn't want to seem impolite so I never asked what he did. I kept my head down and did my thing, you know. I mostly forgot about him, except for when I'd be working late a...

Tea-bagging people when they pass out is funny as hell

The other dentists at my surgery have no sense of humour.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

I love self deprecating humour...

Too bad i suck at it.

Unfortunately my style of humour is reflected in the type of woman I attract.

Dry.

(Dark Humour) How Many Babies Does It Take To Paint a Wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them

Cop Humour

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, ...

Meta Humour.

"A guy walks into a bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "If you can tell me a meta joke, I'll give you a free drink." So the guy says:
""A guy walks into a bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "If you can tell me a meta joke, I'll give you a free drink." So the guy says: ...

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