UPJOKE
temperfeelinghumourmodalityhumorsentimentoptimismatmospherepessimismexuberanceattitudegloomemotionindicativemode

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Men only have 2 moods

Holy shit I need to fuck, and holy fuck I need to shit.

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

My wife said, "You always come home in a bad mood..."

"I can't remember the last time you came home in a good mood."

I said, "That's because you weren't here."

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

One night, a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

But my roommate Joseph barged in out of no where, tripped and fell over breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from. But let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him with his injuries. Joseph ha...

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

Mood 𝑺𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈

Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns ...

Someone asked me "why do you have a miniature guillotine?"

It's for when I'm in the mood for a little head

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

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So why are you in prison? [long]

Well, after a long and hard 12 hour shift at work and an hour long commute I make it home. Obviously I’m not in the mood to cook and most everywhere is closed, so I decide to order a pizza.

I call up the local pizza place, put in an order for a large with everything on it, and I wait. I wait ...

I’m giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.

On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

Espresso usually helps to calm my mood

but today I lost my tamper.

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

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Stalin is having a shitty day...

One day, Stalin, is in a shitty mood. One thing he loves is to hear praise. He loved it when people spoke highly of him but it loses its luster at gun point. So, one day Stalin wears a disguise, and goes to a local café with the intention of listening to people chat. He sits down with his back to th...

What do you call a toy that puts you in a better mood?

A positive vibe

Every Time We Do It

*It seems that many cultures have their specific style or templates for jokes. When I lived in the Middle East, I noticed a lot of jokes were long, and it was common to include some cultural aspect unfamiliar to me, such as arranged marriage. This is one such example.*

A man had three sons, n...

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Socket to me...

A guy is on a business trip to another state and on the last evening decides to spend a few hours drinking downstairs at the bar. He hits it off with one of the barmaids and after flirting heavily with each other they decide to meet up in his room for a nightcap. Later on, she knocks on his door and...

I was told I should rearrange my mood.

But that could spell my doom.

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

Knock knock

Context my son was not in the mood for knock knock jokes

Me: Knock knock

Me: Knock knock

Me: Knock knock

Him: oh good they left

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A women wanted to spice things up in the bedroom so she went to a professional sex therapist. The Therapist went through an exhaustive list and importantly how to look sexy, which is to gently bite your lips and raise your eyebrows suggestively.

the next morning the women was in tears... she called the therapist and explained that not only did it not worked but it had completely ruin the mood. The therapist then proceeded to ask here her intimate details ( did you wear the lingerie, perfume, etc ) and could not figure out whey it didn't w...

Speeder

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

The biologist

A biologist races into a bar in a celebratory mood. "I've done it!" he shouts to the bartender. "I've engineered immortal frogs!" "How's that?" asks the bartender. "I removed their vocal chords. They can't croak!"

When I was a kid I sweared I would never be an adult always in a bad mood.

That's why I'm never in a bad mood. My mood is always terrible.

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On my way home from work, my asian girlfriend said she wanted to have sex with me so badly, but I was super hungry and in the mood for pho...

...it was a Nguyen Nguyen situation

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."

He conti...

"Hi, Alexa, I just heard that my dad just passed away"

"Sorry to hear that, let me tell a joke to lighten the mood. Knock-Knock."
"Who's there?"
"I donno, not your dad that's for sure."

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

What's the current mood of a river valley?

Depression.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

I had my legs propped on a pillow in bed

I turned to my wife and told her I had an erect shin. She asked me if I was really in the mood. I told her to look at my legs.

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Let me tell you a story about why I don’t take hitchhikers anymore

So one time I’m driving down a country road with a friend. A hitchhiker signals us to stop, asks where we are headed and we agree to give him a ride.

Now the guy has a huge bag. I’m talking about the same size as a person kind of bag, we had trouble fitting it in the back. But at this point ...

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My buddy was in a bad mood all day because of his hemorrhoids

No reason to get all butthurt about it

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

How to get the husband hot and heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee.

"I don't know what to do" groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!"

"Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband."

"Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!"

"We...

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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the doo...

Adele is going to release a single to fit the mood of 2020...

I hear it’s going to be titled “Rolling in the Deep State”

Lottery winner

Husband gets home in a very good mood. He calls his wife and says:

\- Woman, pack your bags! You're going on a trip! I won the lottery!!!

\- Oh honey, that's fantastic!! But what kind of clothes should I pack for this trip? For warm weather, cold weather?

\- It doesn't matter, a...

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?

a happy meal

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Three men are trying to get in the World Record Book

One man says, "hey, I have tiny hands, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Hands." Another man says, "hey, I have tiny feet, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Feet." The remaining man says, "hey, I have tiny testicles, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Balls."

The three ...

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

What do you call a bear that has mood swings?

A bi-polar bear

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

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Did you know Donald Trump only had two moods?

Pissed off and pissed on.

An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfas...

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

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To get my girlfriend in the mood, I start counting in a really sexy and seductive voice

I call it four play

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.



The house is still messed up as usual.

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Woman meets the Italian

One day, a woman has a date with a French guy at his hotel room, floor 10. The french guy makes the balcony in a romantic mood, wine, food so the woman can enjoy the time with him.

After some time, woman asks the french guy:

Woman: If I would be your girlfriend, how would you treat me?...

A man walks into a bar in a celebratory mood and

He orders a drink and shouts "and a drink on me for everyone here including the barman", he repeats this and everyone is getting quite drunk when the barman asks for him to pay and the man said he has no money today. The barman beats him up and throws him out. A few months later the same man walks i...

A girlfriend wanted to clue in her boyfriend that she's in the mood~~

Knowing that he's a fan of quizzes and riddles, she proposes this set of questions:

1. What unit of verse has a short syllable followed by a long one?
2. What's the comfiest place to watch TV?
3. What do you call a monarch of old?
4. Of what is the *Shofar* made?
5. What does the...

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Did you hear about the black man whose hair style put ladies in the mood for love?

He has an afro-disiac

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

Cute repartee from "Dr. Katz"

The good doctor is between clients, and Laura, the administrative assistant, walks into his office. Dr. Katz is lying on his patients' couch and this surprises her.

"I've just never seen you on the couch before," she says.

"Well," Dr. Katz says, "I was just in a reflective mood, and ...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

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A man comes home from work in a bad mood

As soon as he settles down on his couch he hears a knock on the door. He begrudgingly gets up to answer the door but no one is there.
He slams it shut again and stomps back to the couch and right as he’s comfortable, he hears another knock. Furious, he opens the door only to see no one there onc...

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?

Kill Bill.

How does an alchemist get his girl in the mood?

Elixir :P

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It was very good feeling, when I was in very bad mood and thinking about all my mistakes, and then my beloved crush came in my room.

Yet I was terrified she escaped my basement third time this month.

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Of all my body parts my dick has the most mood swings..

It is either up or down

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends...

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends.

When I was close to home I turned off my headlights, put the car in neutral and coasted up to the house. I closed the car door very quietly, took off my shoes and closed the front door very quietly. Carrying my shoes I tip toed up th...

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

A company CEO always wants to put his employees in a good mood, so every morning he tells a funny story.

He is very shy though so he speaks over the intercom placed on his desk.

Every morning he tells the joke and a leaves the intercom on to hear the reaction.

No one says a word but after a good minute, everyone starts laughing. This happens every morning.

He is kind of confused b...

My wife has been having mood swings today

I just don't know the reason, period

My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

When your wife isn't in the mood...

It turns into a hands on situation.

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Wife: Tonight, I think I’m in the mood for some anal.

Me: NO! NO! PLEASE NOT THE STRAP-ON AGAIN!

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An irate woman calls her husband's doctor ...

"This is Mrs. Jones, my husband just got back from an appointment with you and he says that after examining him you told him that he can masturbate whenever he wants ! That's the most ridiculous diagnosis I've ever heard -- what kind of an office are you running there ?!?"

The doctor explain...

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

What do you call a German in a bad mood?

A sour Kraut

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My most common sex position is 96

It's where me and my wife lie on the bed with our backs facing each other as she is not in mood ..

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

My girlfriend was in a pensive mood, so I asked her if something was wrong.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" she asked.

"Of course not, honey," I replied. "Don't worry, we are safe here."

She reached into her pocket.

"Then how did THESE knickers get here?" she demanded, holding them up for me to see.

I said, "Yeah, I believe in ghosts."

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I get drunk and work out.

It really lifts my spirits

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What do you call a Hushpuppy when you’re in a bad mood?

A shut the fuck up puppy

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