Espresso usually helps to calm my mood

but today I lost my tamper.

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

I lost my mood ring the other say…

I don’t know how I feel about it.

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

I was told I should rearrange my mood.

But that could spell my doom.

a murderer joins a party

he killed the mood instantly

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A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

When I was a kid I sweared I would never be an adult always in a bad mood.

That's why I'm never in a bad mood. My mood is always terrible.

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An irate woman calls her husband's doctor ...

"This is Mrs. Jones, my husband just got back from an appointment with you and he says that after examining him you told him that he can masturbate whenever he wants ! That's the most ridiculous diagnosis I've ever heard -- what kind of an office are you running there ?!?"

The doctor explain...

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Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman in court...

the judge says "I'm in a good mood today and i'm a dog lover as you well know, now if you can sing me a song about a dog i'll let you off, but if you can't then you're going away for a very long time" Englishman went first "How much is that doggy in the window, the one with the waggly tail..." "Case...

Burt and Molly who were in their 70's were lying in bed one night.

Burt was falling asleep but Molly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Burt reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly ir...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

When I was in school my teacher took my mood ring and never gave it back.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

What's the current mood of a river valley?

Depression.

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My buddy was in a bad mood all day because of his hemorrhoids

No reason to get all butthurt about it

Help With Counting Money

Patel: Remove your clothes.


Wife: Why Remove my clothes?


Patel: Just do and come beside me on the bed.


Wife: Okay they are off.


Patel: Nice sweetie. What about your bra and panties? Remove them also.


Wife: Please I am not in the mood. ...

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Three couples go on a camping trip.

On their last day, the men decide they want to go explore a cave, while the women choose to hang out at the campsite.

After a while of exploring the cave, it forked into 3 different paths. The men agree to all follow one path and meet up in an hour to tell the others what they had found.
<...

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

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A new bride says to her husband on their honeymoon,

"How will I know when you're ready for sex?"
"Oh, I'll always be in the mood," he says. "But when you're in the mood, reach over and give my willy a tug. When you're NOT in the mood, reach over and give it 352 tugs."

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

I bought my wife a mood ring..

when she is in a good mood it turns blue. When she is in a bad mood it turns red. Not the ring, the knot on the side of my head after she punches me repeatedly in the face.

My boss came into the store yesterday

I was working alone and there were at least 5 people in there. That is when my boss walked in, clearly in a bad mood. He walked right up to me and said, "You're fired!" I couldn't believe it, and in the middle of a rush. I immediately paused Netflix and asked, "Why?"

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

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To get my girlfriend in the mood, I start counting in a really sexy and seductive voice

I call it four play

What do you call a bear that has mood swings?

A bi-polar bear

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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Farmer can't get his cows to mate.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

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Did you hear about the black man whose hair style put ladies in the mood for love?

He has an afro-disiac

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Pilots

One day the passengers of a flight were waiting impatiently for takeoff. After a few minutes, they notice two men dressed as pilots with white canes and guide dogs make their way into the cockpit. The mood of the plane shifts dramatically from impatient and anxious to scared and skeptical as the pla...

Two cows walk into a barn

"man i hate this farm", said the first one.
"mood", mooed the second cow.

What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?

a happy meal

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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the doo...

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Did you know Donald Trump only had two moods?

Pissed off and pissed on.

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

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The four tiers of courage

FIRST TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is standing by the door with a broom and you ask her: "You cleaning or flying off to somewhere?"
SECOND TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is in bed, but she is not asleep.
You bring a chair to the bed and ...

So, a travelling salesman walks up to a woman's house...

The woman is in a bad mood, but answers the door anyway. Seeing that the salesman has nothing of interest to her, she shuts the door. However, the door does not shut all the way and bounces back open. She thinks that the salesman was sticking his foot in the doorway to prevent her from closing the d...

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A man goes to the doctor and complains, that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him anymore.

The next day, the doctor calls her in to hear her story. She explains: You know, our car was stolen 7 months ago. My husband cannot afford a new one, so I need to take the taxi every day. But as I don't have any money, the taxi driver always asks: “So are you going to pay today finally or what?“ So ...

The Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.



The house is still messed up as usual.

How does an Alchemist get his woman in the mood?

Elixir neck.

Joseph stole my girl...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfas...

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

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When are your electronics in the mood for sex?

When you turn them on!

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A man comes home from work in a bad mood

As soon as he settles down on his couch he hears a knock on the door. He begrudgingly gets up to answer the door but no one is there.
He slams it shut again and stomps back to the couch and right as he’s comfortable, he hears another knock. Furious, he opens the door only to see no one there onc...

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Of all my body parts my dick has the most mood swings..

It is either up or down

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It was very good feeling, when I was in very bad mood and thinking about all my mistakes, and then my beloved crush came in my room.

Yet I was terrified she escaped my basement third time this month.

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

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Told to me by an immigrant friend who was a Drill Sargent in the Russian army in the '80s

A Sargent and a Private are walking across a Soviet army base when they approach a General coming the other way. The enlisted men salute and the Sargent calls out:

"Sir, your top shirt button is unbuttoned!" (A serious faux pas, according to my friend).

The General is in no mood for it...

A man walks into a bar in a celebratory mood and

He orders a drink and shouts "and a drink on me for everyone here including the barman", he repeats this and everyone is getting quite drunk when the barman asks for him to pay and the man said he has no money today. The barman beats him up and throws him out. A few months later the same man walks i...

I went to my friends house and he told me to make myself at home..

I proceeded to throw him out wasn't in the mood for visitors

My wife has been having mood swings today

I just don't know the reason, period

What do you call an animal that hibernates with a disorder that makes their moods change quickly?

A Bipolar bear

What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?

Kill Bill.

When your wife isn't in the mood...

It turns into a hands on situation.

My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

A young cow runs crying to her mom...

A young cow runs crying to her mom...

"Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!"

Momma: "No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural."

"But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!"

"He did What? How dairy!"

A company CEO always wants to put his employees in a good mood, so every morning he tells a funny story.

He is very shy though so he speaks over the intercom placed on his desk.

Every morning he tells the joke and a leaves the intercom on to hear the reaction.

No one says a word but after a good minute, everyone starts laughing. This happens every morning.

He is kind of confused b...

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Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

My girlfriend was in a pensive mood, so I asked her if something was wrong.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" she asked.

"Of course not, honey," I replied. "Don't worry, we are safe here."

She reached into her pocket.

"Then how did THESE knickers get here?" she demanded, holding them up for me to see.

I said, "Yeah, I believe in ghosts."

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My Girlfriend

I can read my girlfriend's mood by just seeing her hands.

Last night I knew she was pissed off when she came walking in with the 9 millimeter in her hands.

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Wife: Tonight, I think I’m in the mood for some anal.

Me: NO! NO! PLEASE NOT THE STRAP-ON AGAIN!

What do you call a German in a bad mood?

A sour Kraut

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What do you call a Hushpuppy when you’re in a bad mood?

A shut the fuck up puppy

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

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(nsfw)A grumpy king called in his court jester

The king says “I’m in a horrible mood. If you don’t make me laugh this instant I’ll have you sent to the gallows.”

The jester, without missing a beat, did a little dance, dropped his pants, and pulled out his dick.

He was hung.

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

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A sinner dies and goes to Hell...

He is greeted by the Devil who says "You've got an eternity of suffering ahead of you to pay for your sins; but I'm in a good mood today, so I'll let you choose your punishment. Come along."

They walk down a path between the pits. In the first pit, sinners are being slowly roasted on a giant ...

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Deaf guy finds a loophole to get jerked off when his wife isn't in the mood

An old deaf couple was sitting on their couch when the wife wrote, "Honey, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left boob once. If you don't want to, squeeze my right boob twice."



The husband wrote back, "If you want to have sex, grab my dick once. If you don't, grab it a 150 times."

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I get drunk and work out.

It really lifts my spirits

Not a joke....

I'd like to thank everyone here in r/Jokes.
Everyday I get from here my share of laughing and making others laugh. I think having good mood is the most important thing in life. I find light for my heart and soul here, everyday.

Whenever some of you feel sad, just enter this sub and rememb...

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A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

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