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Mood Jokes

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

I bought my wife a mood ring.

When she's happy it turns blue.

When she's not happy it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

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Did you know Donald Trump only had two moods?

Pissed off and pissed on.

After a grueling 12 hour shift I felt my mood lift as I walked in on my girlfriend wearing nothing but her skimpiest undies and a smile.

My smile soon faded as she yelled at me, saying I'd "stretch the material" and that I should "buy my own".

I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!

What did Lisa Marie say to Michael Jackson when she wasn't in the mood?

Just beat it.

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

Mood 𝑺𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈

Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns ...

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

My mum always said that you shouldn't go to sleep in a bad mood.

Which is why I always go to sleep in a bed.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

What's the current mood of a river valley?

Depression.

I was told I should rearrange my mood.

But that could spell my doom.

My wife said, "You always come home in a bad mood..."

"I can't remember the last time you came home in a good mood."

I said, "That's because you weren't here."

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfas...

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?

a happy meal

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

What do you call a toy that puts you in a better mood?

A positive vibe

What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?

Kill Bill.

Only two phrases can change a girl's mood!!

1. I love you !
2. 50% discount !!

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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the doo...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

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A man calls his friend

Tells him, hey man! I opened my own business. Its a brothel. You should come by! Were having specials now as the business is newly opened!

\-Oh yeah? What prices do you offer?

Well, we're having a special on Anal, thats $100, BJs are also on sale, for only $20.

\-Wow, those pric...

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

How does an alchemist get his girl in the mood?

Elixir :P

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries....

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

My wife has been having mood swings today

I just don't know the reason, period

If you’re still in the mood for snail jokes:

A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back. The host asks him, "And what are you?" The man says "I'm a snail." The host says, "And who's that on your back?" and the man says, "That's Michelle!"

When your wife isn't in the mood...

It turns into a hands on situation.

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My buddy was in a bad mood all day because of his hemorrhoids

No reason to get all butthurt about it

I was thinking about stealing a shipment of mood rings...

But I had mixed feelings about it.

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A man comes home from work in a bad mood

As soon as he settles down on his couch he hears a knock on the door. He begrudgingly gets up to answer the door but no one is there.
He slams it shut again and stomps back to the couch and right as he’s comfortable, he hears another knock. Furious, he opens the door only to see no one there onc...

Adele is going to release a single to fit the mood of 2020...

I hear it’s going to be titled “Rolling in the Deep State”

A man walks into a bar in a celebratory mood and

He orders a drink and shouts "and a drink on me for everyone here including the barman", he repeats this and everyone is getting quite drunk when the barman asks for him to pay and the man said he has no money today. The barman beats him up and throws him out. A few months later the same man walks i...

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A guys arrive at a "Mood" themed party...

He has cut a hole in a pear and is wearing it on his penis. The host answers the door, his penis in a carton of custard.
"What the hell are you dressed as?" asks the host.
"I'm deep in dis-pear!" says the guest. "Well I'm fucking dis-custard" says the host, shaking his head.

My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

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My mood ring goes brown when I'm disgusted.

That's the last time I finger her bum hole.

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I get drunk and work out.

It really lifts my spirits

What do you call a German in a bad mood?

A sour Kraut

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

When I was a kid I sweared I would never be an adult always in a bad mood.

That's why I'm never in a bad mood. My mood is always terrible.

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Husband is in mood for some 69..

.. wife says, sure but it's that time of the month, but if you don't mind, I don't mind. Husband says, I don't mind.
They go upstairs, and start the rompity-pompity-lickty-sickity-69.

Mail man shows up. Damn! bad timing!

Wife, I'm naked, I can't go. Go check the door.
Husband lo...

What do you call an animal which has mood swings?

A bipolar bear

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Of all my body parts my dick has the most mood swings..

It is either up or down

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

A girlfriend wanted to clue in her boyfriend that she's in the mood~~

Knowing that he's a fan of quizzes and riddles, she proposes this set of questions:

1. What unit of verse has a short syllable followed by a long one?
2. What's the comfiest place to watch TV?
3. What do you call a monarch of old?
4. Of what is the *Shofar* made?
5. What does the...

My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me

Why was the Moon in a bad mood?

It was just going through one of its phases.

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A koala bear was in the mood for some oral sex...

so he hired a prostitute. She took him to her room, and opened her legs, and let him go to town.

After a while, the koala bear jumped up, and started to waddle out the room.

"Honey, aren't you forgetting something?" the girl asks him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, honey, I'...

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