The 88+ Best Empire Jokes

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

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A bar on the Empire State Building..

So as some people know, there's a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, "hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds th...

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

Why does the sun never set on the British empire?

Because God can't trust the British in the dark.

What was the Ottoman Empire's main export?

Sultan pepper

Why did the Ottoman Empire change into Turkey

Because Austria wasn’t Hungary anymore.

During a war with the Ottoman Empire, the Habsburg army lost thousands of men in the battle of Karánsebes, and was forced to flee from the battlefield.

Then the Ottomans arrived.

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

3 construction workers on the Empire State Building are hanging lunch

The first guys opens his lunch box and finds his usual ham and cheese sandwich. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID HAM AND CHEESE IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

The second guy opens his lunch box and finds his usual BLT. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STU...

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

The Falkland Islands are the male nipples of the British Empire

Not necessary- but will protect

Who runs an Empire?

Dad, who runs an Empire?

My son, that would be an Emperor.

So, who runs a Kingdom?

A King.

How about a Country?

I'm sure, that's a C...

Ken Dodd doing a set at the Liverpool empire...

Ken Dodd doing a gig at the liverpool empire. Walked out at the interval and quietly nipped to the bar sat a couple tables away completely oblivious were two scouse blokes chatting between themselves first bloke says “what’s the difference between Ken Dodd and a coconut?”
Second bloke replies “I...

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Three drunks on the top of the Empire state building.

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the bui...

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So there was a bar on top of the Empire State Building...

And a man went to the top and ordered some scotch. While he was drinking a man came up and ordered some tequila, drank it, and jumped over the edge of the building. The man, horrified to what he saw, was then surprised to see the same man who jumped over walk out of the elevator and sit down at the ...

Did you hear about the Chinese brother's that tried to start a German Empire?

Turns out two Wongs don't make a Reich.

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

Did you hear Jussie Smollett got fired from ‘Empire?’

I heard he’s really beating himself up over it.

The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?"

"No your Highness," the man replied, "but my father was."

Where did Luke Skywalker go shopping between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi?

Second Hand Store

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

What phone service does the Empire use?

AT-AT

What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire?

A Byz-nessman.

How did the Roman Empire split into 2?

They used a pair of “caesars”
(I made this in my global class, if you guys don’t know what happened during the Roman Empire they were so big to control that they divided into two)
pls no bully me

What did the Carolingian Empire say when the Hungarians invaded?

Stop it, you're making me Hungary!

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours...

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

Empire Strikes Back is still my favorite StarWars episode.

One could say it is a perfect 5/7.

What was the most popular book store in the Roman Empire?

Barnestantinoble

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What does a pig on top of the empire state building and a couple having sex next to the statue of liberty have in common?

They're both New Porkers

A man at the top of the Empire State Building gave me just what I needed to get ahead in life.

A push in the right direction.

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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?

Pal-poutine

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Sorry, I'll get my coat.

What was life like in the Mongol Empire?

It had its pros and khans.

A man fell from the Empire State Building

A man fell out of a window from the Empire State Building, but luckily he survived the fall.

Even luckier is that there was a doctor on the sidewalk across the street. Naturally, the doctor ran to the man and asked what happened.

The man replied, “I don’t know, I just got here myself.”

As a lover of history, I always wondered how Genghis Khan would seek shelter whilst traversing various regions of the vast Mongol empire

Then it struck me. Finally! A regional Khan tent.

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2 men are at a bar ontop of the empire state building

* Man 1 looks to Man 2 and says;
* "You see that window over there? It's magical; if you jump out of it you can fly!"
* Man 2 says, somewhat tipsy, "Noooo you can't, you have to show me for me to believe you."
* Man 1 says "Ok" and goes to the other side of the room, takes a running star...

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A joke as old as the roman Empire

This is so old I might as well tell it with two Roman centurions.

Two centurions are walking down a street in Rome one day. They come upon an alley where a dog is licking his dick.

"I wish I could do that," the first centurion says.

The second one says, "You'd better pet him fir...

I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire.

I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny.

The Hapsburgs sure had an impressive empire...

But they have faces only a cousin could love.

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There's this bar on top of the Empire State Building

The first guy looks at the second guy and says" you know the wind is so strong up here, if you jump out the window, it'll carry you right back up."
The second guy looks at the first and says "I'm not stupid I'm not going to kill myself."
The first guy says "watch." So he heads over to the wind...

Fox has just announced they have canceled Empire

I hope Jussie Smollett doesn’t beat himself up over it.

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?

He had a plane to catch

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

Why does the Empire have to clone Storm Troopers?

Because when they shoot they always miss

The year is 1799. Napoleon is strategizing with his advisors. A map of Europe is on the table before them...

Napoleon says "Behold, Gentlemen! Our destiny lies within our grasp!"

One advisor asks "What is your plan, General?"

Napoleon slams his fist on the table. "All of Europe will fall to our forces. We shall take it piece by piece until our empire is established. My first step will be to u...

3 guys worked on top of the empire state building.

They all had the same stuff for lunch every day and they said if they had it again they would jump to their deaths.

The Irish guy had a different meal so he lived.

The German guy had a different meal so he lived.

The polish guy had the same meal so he jumped to his death.
...

In a recent interview about the state of the Disney empire...

... Walt Disney responded with no comment.

What's the opposite of "The Empire strikes back"?

The Emperor has a stroke.

Where does the Empire buy their robes?

The Darth Mall!

Chewbacca has started a website that gives out all of the Empire's secrets...

Wookieeleaks

If an anime was based around the Ottoman Empire...

It would be a literal Harem anime.

Did you know 1 in 200 men are directly descended from the leader of the Mongol Empire?

I was shocked too, but it made a lot more sense once I realized that back then there were no Genghis condoms.

A man falls from the top of the Empire State building.

When he hits the ground, a woman walking by screams "oh my God what happened"!!

The man looks up and says "I don't know, I just got here"

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be sil...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and an American are stood at the top of the Empire State Building.

The American tells the other two "I don't know if you've heard this. But if you down 6 beers from your homeland, you can jump off of this building, fly around it, and then land safely right back here".

The Irishman doesn't believe the American, replying "Get off it, what a load of old shite"...

Who lead the Chinese empire into the Wi-Fi age

Emperor Ping

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What do Queen Victoria's empire and people with innie bellybuttons have in common?

Navel superiority.

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

A man assumed he could fly so he jumped off of the roof of the Empire State Building

I guess you could say he jumped to his conclusion.

What do you call a German empire with lots of hair?

The Furred Reich

Vladimir Putin is speaking with his advisors...

"I think when the war is over Russia should become a Kingdom".

"Sir," one of his advisors speaks out, "only a King may lead a Kingdom."

"Very well, Russia shall become an Empire" Putin replies.

Again his advisor speaks out, "only an Emperor can rule over an Empire."

Putin...

Realizing that the AT-AT doesn't have enough armor around the back, the Empire released a new batch with increased armor...

and called them the PHAT-ATs

Why does the Empire use Apple?

Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

Donald Trump has a new plan for solving the conflict of interest of him owning his business empire and being President

He's going to put America into a blind trust.

What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

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Two guys were sitting in a bar near the top of the Empire State Building

Two guys were sitting in a bar near the top floor of the Empire State Building, having drinks and small talk.
The first guy says, "Man, this building is a structural anomaly."

Then the second. "Yeah, it's amazing how people can build something like this."

"No, you don't understand....

What did 18 Year olds in the Byzantine Empire do for fun?

Nothing they were busy teens.

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One day there was a party in the Empire State Building.

One day there was a party in the Empire State Building. Sitting at the bar were two men the the first man goes " did you know that if you jump out of the window on the top floor there is a vacuum that sucks you back into the window?" The second man skeptical replied "no that's impossible." The first...

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

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This guy goes to a new bar on top of the empire state building...

When he walks in he sees one guy sitting at the bar and sits a few seats away from him and orders a beer. The other guy sitting at the bar calls him over to sit on the stool next to him. Since he seems so friendly he obliges and sits next to him.

When he does, the other guy says to him, “You...

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I thought it was funny [last time](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/267ij0/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off/) I saw it on reddit and thought it deserved another go.

The Ottoman Empire...

Really loved to put their feet up.

(such a bad bad joke)

What is the Empire's favorite font type?

Sans scarif

The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim.

The Empire Strikes Back, they call it.

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Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where the Nazi's empire reaches to all four corners of the universe...

They've become a Reichtangle.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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