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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

The Falkland Islands are the male nipples of the British Empire

Not necessary- but will protect

What did the physicist say to the young man

who was about to jump off the Empire State building?


Don’t do it. You have so much potential.

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

Ken Dodd doing a set at the Liverpool empire...

Ken Dodd doing a gig at the liverpool empire. Walked out at the interval and quietly nipped to the bar sat a couple tables away completely oblivious were two scouse blokes chatting between themselves first bloke says “what’s the difference between Ken Dodd and a coconut?”
Second bloke replies “I...

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

The Empire was finally successful with destroying The Force

All they had to do was vaccinate for midichlorians

Who runs an Empire?

Dad, who runs an Empire?

My son, that would be an Emperor.

So, who runs a Kingdom?

A King.

How about a Country?

I'm sure, that's a C...

Augustus was touring his empire.

In the crowd, he noticed a man who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked:

“Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?”

“No your Highness,” the man replied, “but my father was.”

Where did Luke Skywalker go shopping between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi?

Second Hand Store

What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire?

A Byz-nessman.

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

What phone service does the Empire use?

AT-AT

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

A Russian, an American, and an Englishman catch a goldfish while fishing on a boat

The goldfish pleads to them: “C’mon guys, I have a family down there, don’t eat me! Here’s what I’ll do for you, wherever you want to go, just say the place and jump off of the boat into the water, the very next moment you’ll be there.”

The Russian comes forward and says: “I’ve missed my dear...

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

What did the Carolingian Empire say when the Hungarians invaded?

Stop it, you're making me Hungary!

What was the most popular book store in the Roman Empire?

Barnestantinoble

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

A man at the top of the Empire State Building gave me just what I needed to get ahead in life.

A push in the right direction.

What was life like in the Mongol Empire?

It had its pros and khans.

What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?

Pal-poutine

.
.
.
.
.
Sorry, I'll get my coat.

Did you hear Jussie Smollett got fired from ‘Empire?’

I heard he’s really beating himself up over it.

A man fell from the Empire State Building

A man fell out of a window from the Empire State Building, but luckily he survived the fall.

Even luckier is that there was a doctor on the sidewalk across the street. Naturally, the doctor ran to the man and asked what happened.

The man replied, “I don’t know, I just got here myself.”

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A bar on the Empire State Building..

So as some people know, there's a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, "hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds th...

How did the Roman Empire split into 2?

They used a pair of “caesars”
(I made this in my global class, if you guys don’t know what happened during the Roman Empire they were so big to control that they divided into two)
pls no bully me

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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

As a lover of history, I always wondered how Genghis Khan would seek shelter whilst traversing various regions of the vast Mongol empire

Then it struck me. Finally! A regional Khan tent.

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

If Nero, Tiberius, Caligula, and Commodus were all in Pompeii together, who would survive?

The Roman empire.

The Persian empire fell

So Iran.

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

My cup is full & running over

A man is walking on a beach in Galway. He comes across an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off it. Lo and behold, a genie appears. The genie tells him a sad tale of how he's been trapped in the lamp since the days of the Kemat empire. Also tells him, he'd promised 3 wishes to any one who f...

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Back in the Days Of the Empire, a missionary came to the aborigines.

He was picked up at the dock and driven to the church. After a short distance, he saw a native vigorously violating a kangaroo. He was stunned.

After another short distance, another man doing the same. He was shocked.

Another distance and there was a one-legged man, masturbating, le...

Fox has just announced they have canceled Empire

I hope Jussie Smollett doesn’t beat himself up over it.

Did you hear about the Chinese brother's that tried to start a German Empire?

Turns out two Wongs don't make a Reich.

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

The Hapsburgs sure had an impressive empire...

But they have faces only a cousin could love.

Why does the sun never sets in the British Empire?

Because even God doesn't trust the English in the dark.

Credits : Shashi Tharoor

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There's this bar on top of the Empire State Building

The first guy looks at the second guy and says" you know the wind is so strong up here, if you jump out the window, it'll carry you right back up."
The second guy looks at the first and says "I'm not stupid I'm not going to kill myself."
The first guy says "watch." So he heads over to the wind...

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Three drunks on the top of the Empire state building.

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the bui...

Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?

He had a plane to catch

Empire Strikes Back is still my favorite StarWars episode.

One could say it is a perfect 5/7.

Why does the Empire have to clone Storm Troopers?

Because when they shoot they always miss

3 guys worked on top of the empire state building.

They all had the same stuff for lunch every day and they said if they had it again they would jump to their deaths.

The Irish guy had a different meal so he lived.

The German guy had a different meal so he lived.

The polish guy had the same meal so he jumped to his death.
...

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2 men are at a bar ontop of the empire state building

* Man 1 looks to Man 2 and says;
* "You see that window over there? It's magical; if you jump out of it you can fly!"
* Man 2 says, somewhat tipsy, "Noooo you can't, you have to show me for me to believe you."
* Man 1 says "Ok" and goes to the other side of the room, takes a running star...

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So there was a bar on top of the Empire State Building...

And a man went to the top and ordered some scotch. While he was drinking a man came up and ordered some tequila, drank it, and jumped over the edge of the building. The man, horrified to what he saw, was then surprised to see the same man who jumped over walk out of the elevator and sit down at the ...

What's the opposite of "The Empire strikes back"?

The Emperor has a stroke.

I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire.

I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny.

Chewbacca has started a website that gives out all of the Empire's secrets...

Wookieeleaks

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

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Scientists were testing whether throwing a penny from the top of the Empire State Building could kill someone

To their surprise, the test subject standing downstairs was indeed killed, as well as a Jew who jumped after the penny.

What’s the most comfortable empire?

The Ottoman Empire.

And much like that one, I’ll see myself out now.

In a recent interview about the state of the Disney empire...

... Walt Disney responded with no comment.

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

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A joke as old as the roman Empire

This is so old I might as well tell it with two Roman centurions.

Two centurions are walking down a street in Rome one day. They come upon an alley where a dog is licking his dick.

"I wish I could do that," the first centurion says.

The second one says, "You'd better pet him fir...

If an anime was based around the Ottoman Empire...

It would be a literal Harem anime.

Where does the Empire buy their robes?

The Darth Mall!

A man falls from the top of the Empire State building.

When he hits the ground, a woman walking by screams "oh my God what happened"!!

The man looks up and says "I don't know, I just got here"

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

Did you know 1 in 200 men are directly descended from the leader of the Mongol Empire?

I was shocked too, but it made a lot more sense once I realized that back then there were no Genghis condoms.

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be sil...

Who lead the Chinese empire into the Wi-Fi age

Emperor Ping

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An Englishman, an Irishman and an American are stood at the top of the Empire State Building.

The American tells the other two "I don't know if you've heard this. But if you down 6 beers from your homeland, you can jump off of this building, fly around it, and then land safely right back here".

The Irishman doesn't believe the American, replying "Get off it, what a load of old shite"...

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

A man assumed he could fly so he jumped off of the roof of the Empire State Building

I guess you could say he jumped to his conclusion.

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What do Queen Victoria's empire and people with innie bellybuttons have in common?

Navel superiority.

Why does the Empire use Apple?

Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

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This guy goes to a new bar on top of the empire state building...

When he walks in he sees one guy sitting at the bar and sits a few seats away from him and orders a beer. The other guy sitting at the bar calls him over to sit on the stool next to him. Since he seems so friendly he obliges and sits next to him.

When he does, the other guy says to him, “You...

So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...

Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:

I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."

and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."...

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Two guys were sitting in a bar near the top of the Empire State Building

Two guys were sitting in a bar near the top floor of the Empire State Building, having drinks and small talk.
The first guy says, "Man, this building is a structural anomaly."

Then the second. "Yeah, it's amazing how people can build something like this."

"No, you don't understand....

What do you call a German empire with lots of hair?

The Furred Reich

The Ottoman Empire...

Really loved to put their feet up.

(such a bad bad joke)

What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

What did 18 Year olds in the Byzantine Empire do for fun?

Nothing they were busy teens.

Realizing that the AT-AT doesn't have enough armor around the back, the Empire released a new batch with increased armor...

and called them the PHAT-ATs

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I thought it was funny [last time](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/267ij0/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off/) I saw it on reddit and thought it deserved another go.

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