Human Resources

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do wi...

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.



“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”



“That...

In the Human Resources Department

The Manager has a big pile of applications on his desk.

He picks up the first 20 of them and throws them into the bin, saying
"Those guys have bad luck and we have no use for people with bad luck"

I went to Human Resources

They were out of arms

I've always preferred management over human resources

I guess that's just a personnel preference

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Your hair smells nice.

Everyday a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the water cooler, inhales deeply then tells her "your hair smells nice." A weeks of this and she can't stand it anymore, she takes her complaint to a supervisor in personnel and states she wants to file a sexual harassment grie...

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I got called into human resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left and right wing. Outraged, I told them to fuck off as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix.

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals

to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would no...

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources.

Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. Itread, "Jonathan Peters worked for our compan...

I'm always hard at work.

But Human Resources keeps telling me that it's extremely inappropriate to have erections at the office.

Last night I went on a blind date with an attractive woman

It started off great, with easy small talk at the restaurant. She asked about my job. I told her entrepreneur. She asked what I liked most about my job. I replied, 'freedom.' We started to get in that comfortable groove.

"My daddy always told me, " she said, with a far away look and wistful ...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology:

"And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement...

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

What's Frankenstein's favourite part of a company?

Human resources

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

A Halloween joke?

A homeless man named Sturgis was walking down to his town's Human Resources to apply for housing assisstance. When he gets there, he sees some strange creatures in line ahead of him. Cousin It from the Adams' family was there, as well as the Looney Tunes version of Mr. Hyde. Among them was your typi...

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Once upon a time there was a toad named Ian.

Ian had tourette's. His life's dream was to become a toad janitor. But every place he applied turn him down because he would cuss repeatedly as a result of his tourette's. Him saying cuss words all the time was distracting to the other employees.

Finally he saw there was an opening to be a ja...

Which part of his new job disappointed the cannibal?

The human resources department

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Why Old Men Don't Get Hired...

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

How many businessmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to find a contractor. Another within the contracted business to buy electrical accident insurance. Another to manage the stock price. Another to organize supply chains of bulbs. Another to deal with inspectors. Another to deal with human resources. Another to schedule jobs. If you're lucky, your b...

What department do you not want to end up at in a corporation run by cannibals?

Human Resources.

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Harassment

A man walks into the human resources office at work. The HR representative tells the man to sit down and tell him why a female employee is suing the company for sexual harassment. The man replies, "Her ass meant nothing to me, I was staring at her tits."

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SMILE | Interoffice Memo

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily o...

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