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Hogwarts Jokes

Remus Lupin was interviewing for a job at Hogwarts...

... and Professor Dumbledore said to him, "You realize, Remus, on nights when there is a full moon, we're going to have to chain you up and keep you out of public view."

Lupin replied, "Yes, I'm a were."

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You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in.

Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.

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Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?

Because he's the headmaster.

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in

Hogwarts Legacy is truly an RPG…

That is as a Revelio Playing Game.

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...

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Why didn't Gandalf get hired at Hogwarts?

He kept telling the students,, "Thou shalt not pass."

There’s a gym in Hogwarts

It’s right through the dumbbell doors

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Who are the most homo-erotic pop group at Hogwarts?

Wand Erection.

Oh No! Snape has been fired from Hogwarts!

They didn't even give him a Severus package.

How many doors does Hogwarts have?

Two. Dumbledore and Gryffindor.

In Hogwarts, people don't slide into DMs

They slither in

What's the most important class at Hogwarts?

Spelling

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Who gives the best blowjobs at Hogwarts?

Dumbledore, he’s the head master

What's a Hogwarts student's favourite boy band? [NSFW]

Wand Erection.

How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?

It used the invisibility croak.

What does a confused student at Hogwarts study?

Which craft?

What game do octopuses play at Hogwarts?

Squiddich

In Hogwarts Legacy what do you call your character sorted into Ravenclaw while omitting the use of fast travel systems?

Stairy Potter

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What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.

Why did Akbar didn't get accepted into Hogwarts?

Because he is a "Mughal"

What do they use at Hogwarts to read PDFs?

A-Dobby.

What do they call an abortion in Hogwarts?

*fetus, deletus!*


^It's ^my ^first ^time ^posting ^here. ^Tell ^me ^if ^I ^did ^something ^wrong ^or ^if ^this ^is ^the ^wrong ^sub...


^And ^yes, ^I ^am ^a ^Muggle.

OC: Why did I get kicked off the Hogwarts track team?

The hurry and run hurt my knee.

Hogwarts' Spells

Two kids are fighting in Hogwarts, Dumbledore comes to seperate them and says loudly «You guys are Ex-spelled»

i used to go to hogwarts but they kicked me out because of my dyslexia

apparently spelling matters

What language do the mailmen of Hogwarts converse in?

Parceltongue

Harry Potter fans be like: ”I wanna go to Hogwarts!”

Narnia fans be like: ”I wanna go to Narnia!”

Hunger Games fans be like: ”I’m good...”

Why i don’t trust the stairs at “hogwarts”?

Because they are subject to change.

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J. K. Rowling has revealed one of the teachers at Hogwarts was a hermaphrodite.

Professor Clitdick

How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh?

enchant mints

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.

Why did none of the girls at Hogwarts ever get pregnant?

Fetus Deletus!

What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

I’ve noticed a severe lack of African-American students attending Hogwarts...

... I guess they don’t like black magic.

What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

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How do black people get to Hogwarts ?

They go through wall 9 3/5

What do you call the Imodium the head nurse at Hogwarts gives you?

Defense Against the Dark Farts

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First day of class at Hogwarts

A group of first-year students walked into a classroom at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The professor, Febuina Pell, was young for her profession and had never married, but was well respected and had written the very textbook to be used in the class. One of the students, a muggle-born ...

Did you hear about the magical gorilla taking ceramics class at Hogwarts?

It's a Hairy Potter.

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I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

What do you call a Jamaican teacher at Hogwarts?

De mentor.

How much do flying broomsticks cost at Hogwarts?

Quid each.

What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?

M'rauders Map

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?

He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.

*For Harry Potter fans* What language do UPS men at Hogwarts speak?

Parcel-tongue

What did Voldemort say when stubbed his toe trying to enter Hogwarts?

"Dumb 'ol door!"

How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale?

Weasley twins are 50% off

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Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

Following the events of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, how did the Hogwarts payroll department satisfy the sudden termination of Albus Dumbledore?

Severus Package

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

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Joke my ADHD brain thought of out of nowhere

So the Hogwarts police confiscated a coffee cup suspecting it of dangerous enchantments. Turns out the police that grabbed it drank a bit too much butterbeer. It was just a normal coffee cup that belonged to some arrogant human thief.







It was a smug muggle mugger's mug.

Harry Potter is invited to a... "gathering" at Hogwarts one night.

He is told to go through the door marked by a gryphon. As he does so, he wonders what this is all about. When he enters the room, he is stunned to see Malfoy obviously inebriated on the floor, just slitherin' over to the side, towards a guy who would repeatedly huff 'n' puff clouds of smoke. Next to...

Professor Snape and Eearmus

There was once a terribly misbehaving student at Hogwarts. His name was Eearmus. He wouldn't finish his homework or practice any of his incantations. The teachers were getting really impatient with Eearmus.

One day, Eearmus was extra mischievous and decided to play a prank on professor Snape...

What school would politicians have to graduate from to be able to fullfill their campaign promises?

Hogwarts.

I don't know about you but in these sad, desperate times, I've hit a wall so many times...

...that now more than ever, I deserve to board the Hogwarts express.

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

I really like telling children at the station...

...that the way to Hogwarts is just a matter of speed.

\*SmAacK!

"try again faster."

\*SMACK!

Don't touch magic pigs...

...you might get Hogwarts.

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Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

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Story Time

So when I was a kid, I was a total nerd. Excelled in class, but I was bullied a lot. There was this really cute girl in my class. I was absolutely in love. I introduced myself to her and we got to talking. She immediately friend zoned me. I'm hurt, but I'm like, whatever. She's amazing and man, if n...

French Jokes

What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.

What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.

Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.

An Am...

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