Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine ...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dennis and two pigs are flying a spaceship

Mission control: Pig one, press the red button!
the pig says 'oink oink' and presses the red button.
Mission control: Pig two, press the blue button!
the other pig says 'oink oink' and presses the blue button.
Mc: Dennis, feed the pigs and don't touch anything!

What kind of printer do pigs use?

An oinkjet printer

Where do pigs go to work?

To the bakery because they be bakin'.

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

Pigs

I was driving down a country lane when I hit a pig, I wasn’t dead yet so I called my Dad for advice, he said put it out of its misery, so I went over and hit it with a tyre iron.
I said to my Dad, okay that’s better but his motorbike is still stuck under my car

Did you hear the one about pigs flying?

Yeah, I didn't either... it must be written in invisible oink!

What kind of cough drops do pigs take?

Reeeeeecola

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In this day and age instead of words like, "policeman"and "policewoman"

it’s better to use gender-neutral terms such as "fucking pigs".

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

Why do pigs have a ring through their nose?

To make pulled pork.

What is the difference between flying pigs and politicians?

The letter f

What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

100 sows and bucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breakfast with little Johnny

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
<...

The Farmer and the Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer bought some breeding pigs

but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pi...

I came up with this joke about wild pigs but...

It boars everyone I tell so I’m keeping to myself...

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a well known belief that pigs have 30 minute lasting orgasms

Yet that can't be further from the truth considering that the one I fucked didn't appear to have any.

What do you call a symphony comprised entirely of pigs?

A porkestra.

An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

Man is arrested for calling a police "pig"

He is released next morning
- Tell me officer, the man begs, is it never allowed to call police "pig"?
- Well yes, you can call us police, cops, even the blues, but never call us pigs again.
- Ok, ok. I can do that.
- Have a nice day sir
- Yet I wonder, the man continues, what if I ca...

Three little pigs go to court

Three little pigs are in a court room in front of a judge.

The judge asks the first little pig,

“Why are you here?”

The first little pig says,

“Well, I’m here for blowing bubbles in the mud...”

The judge, rather confused, doesn’t question the little pig and moves ...

Weighing the pig

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the far...

If cows go moo and sheep go baa, what do pigs say?

I'll make America great again

If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.

If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.

Then all women are pigs.

What do you call two pigs playing tug o’ war?

Pulled Pork

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