UPJOKE
pigletgluttonouspigclawnelliebarnyardsuspigstyswinehogboarmommatarpwhiskersoink

If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding...

He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?

She had a frog in her throat!

Why does Miss Piggy hate comedy?

Because her father got roasted.

Why is it that Miss. Piggy can’t count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog stuck in her throat!

Originally delivered by Miss Piggy, I present the SHORTEST JOKE EVER:

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ? "*

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

What’s sweaty has really tidy nails and smells like bacon

Miss piggy’s puppeteer

Why are piggy banks so wise?

They're filled with common cents.

If Kermit The Frog converted to Islam, would that make Miss Piggy...

Haram bae?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs Piggy Was Giving Kermit The Frog a Blowjob

You Could Say She Had a Frog In Her Throat

What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing?

Ham me downs

Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....

Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress

Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise

Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?

Guy: That's Michelle....

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

After a slight h...

Piggy bank in the refrigerator

My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.

Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is enjoying herself with her lover and hears keys rattle in the door.

"Hurry," she said, "get into this bag and hide on the balcony. In comes another lover, they get to it and, again she hears tge ratteling of keys. "Get into the bag and hide on the balcony" she says. In comes a third lover. The same thing. Again, keys in the lock and again the lover jumps into a bag ...

Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog...

...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

Why can’t miss piggy hold down a relationship?

Because she’s afraid of kermit-ment

Why did Miss Piggy finally get married?

Her husband finally Kermited

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Run Little Piggy! [Longish]

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kermit and Miss Piggy

Kermit and Miss Piggy are in bed and Miss Piggy says "Kermit what are you going to do to my asshole tonight" Kermit replied "Rippit".

How come Miss Piggy hasn't thought about dating Porky Pig?

Because she's in a kermitted relationship.

Lil piggy is sick

A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"

Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."

One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you ...

What do you call a life sized miss piggy doll?

Amy Schumer on a good day

What did Miss Piggy's boyfriend do after he found out she was unfaithful?

Kermit suicide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are piggy banks actually pigs?

To keep Jews away from your money.

Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?

Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Why did Mrs. Piggy's relationship fail?

She couldn't stand making Kermitments

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.

"And what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

A Pig Walks Into a Bar…

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saving money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into an old school china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fat stripper?

A piggy bank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

Me and my son we're at the zoo...

And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"

I saved a cat today.

It was a ton of work getting him into my piggy bank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Jimmy is in a car with his dad while driving along a red-light district

Jimmy sees all the ladies behind the windows and asks his dad what they are doing.

"They are selling pleasure, Jimmy", his dad replies.

When they get home, the boy thinks: "Hmm, I'd like to buy myself some pleasure as well", so the next day he smashes his piggy bank and takes all his m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young newlywed couple were too poor to go on a honeymoon.

The husband came up with an idea: every time they had sex, they would each put a dollar into a piggy bank. When they reached their first anniversary, they would open the bank and use the money it contained for their honeymoon.

All went well for their first year, and on their anniversary, th...

[LONG]A boy and his Father drive through the Red District.

The boy sees two women on a street corner, he asks his dad : '' Dad what are they doing? ''

Taken aback by his son's question, the father replies : '' Humm, they sell... happiness...''

Later that day, back home, the boy hears his parents arguing. Sad, he gets an idea. The boy breaks hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blossom

A priest was walking the streets of Dublin and came upon a little girl walking her dog. The little girl came up to the priest and smiled so the priest inquired as to her name.

"Blossom" said the little girl.

"Oh Jaysus, what a pretty name. How'd you come to be named that, dear?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the deli and ordered a pepperoni

The cashier asked me if I wanted it sliced.

I asked "What do you think my ass is, a piggy bank?"

Where does David Cameron keep his hidden money?

In the Piggy bank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW)

So this guy breeds exceptionally rare, prized pigs, pigs that people from across the world seek to acquire.

One day, as he was sailing with a group of pigs to over-sea market, a nasty storm rolled in. His ship capsizes, and the man wakes up on the shore of a desert island with only one pig, ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.