What do porpoises use to get high?

Seaweed.

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

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I accidentally ejaculated on dolphin and now everybody's mad at me

as if I did it on porpoise.

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

Did you know that US law protects dolphins from indefinite imprisonment?

Also know as the writ of habeas porpoise

A research scientist studying porpoises discovers a way to make them live forever.

He discovered that a compound made by immature seagulls makes the porpoises stop aging, as long as they're fed them regularly. To protect his research he bought two lions to guard the lab.
One day he forgets to feed the lions before going out to collect the seagulls, so he's forced to call the p...

The other day, I amputated a dolphin's feet

I feel like it kinda de-feeted the porpoise

Did you hear about the dolphin being killed?

Apparently it was on porpoise.

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

I'd make a joke about a Dolphin

But I don't see the Porpoise.

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

Pity the poor porpoises

This guy had a few porpoises in his swimming pool even though he knew it was illegal to have them as pets...

One day, he thought he would add a few sea gulls to have around his pool to add to the ambiance...

So, he ran an ad to find some sea gulls - - someone with a few sea gulls answe...

Admission to our local aquarium only costs 1p if you're camping or you're a dolphin.

So to all in tents and porpoises it's pretty much free.

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A husband and wife were arrested...

A husband and wife were arrested...

Attorney: Your honor, these two were arrested for having sex in public and there was a dolphin involved.

The Judge: What do you two have to say for yourself?

Husband: Your honor, we are sorry. It was an accident.

Wife: Yes, i...

From my 8 yr old: Why did the girl dolphin not forgive the boy dolphin?

Because he did it on porpoise!

I'm so sad since my pet marine mammal died.

It's like my life has no porpoise anymore.

Young Gulls

The dolphin trainers at the state zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young se...

An old man owned a dolphin

A few kids went to the old man and asked

"Why do you own a dolphin?"

The old man smiled and said

"When I was younger my dreams were crushed so I bought a dolphin."

He smiled.

"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."

A scientist is looking to conduct an experiment using dolphins

He goes to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any dolphins

The clerk responds “We don’t have any dolphins, but would a whale work?”

The scientist responds “No thank you, that defeats the porpoise”

What do dolphins use to keep clean?

Multi-porpoise cleaner.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

What family of animals do porpoises belong to?

No phocoenidae!

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

Was painting my boat when a dolphin swam by and got some paint on its fin.

It wasn't on porpoise.

How do dolphins get job satisfaction?

By working in positions that give them a sense of porpoise.

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...

...for all in tents and porpoises

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

Did you know that dolphins have existential crisis too?

They wonder if their life has a porpoise.

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There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

My family went to SeaWorld without me.

I failed to see the porpoise.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Why was the animal unhappy?

**Why was the dog unhappy?**

He had a ruff week.

**Why was the cat unhappy?**

His life wasn't purrfect.

**Why was the turtle unhappy?**

His brother was a shellout.

**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**

His mother's been a real crab lately.

**Why ...

Why'd the diver suddenly grab and ride the small whale?

I dunno, but he certainly did it on porpoise

What's the trick to just Dolphin' around?

You gotta do it with porpoise

When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium.

He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

I had the greatest sense of a fulfilled purpose back in that marine corps.

*wait...stupid autocorrect...*

*scents *porpoise *corpse

After my existential crisis, I decided to take a job as a feeder at the local dolphinarium

Now I’m serving a youthful porpoise

What does a dolphin's butler do?

Serves a porpoise.

The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays t...

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I was sitting on my dolphin, then I fell off.

Butt not on porpoise.

Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins!

It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!

Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

Why shouldn't you throw away an old dolphin?

Because they can be re-porpoised!

What kind of soap does a dolphin use?

All porpoise cleaner!!!!

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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?

Sorry I didn’t do it on porpoise

Why can't you ever accidentally ride a dolphin?

Because it's always on porpoise

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A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

So there’s this old, old zookeeper who is nearing retirement.

In fact, she’s so old that she has been employed at the zoo since it first opened. Since she’s been there so long, the zoo has entrusted her with taking care of the two most valuable exhibits in the zoo.

First, she is responsible for feeding an ancient lion. This lion is actually so old that...

I once tried driving to Mexico to steal a couple pet dolphins.

But I was arrested for trying to enter the country for illegal porpoises.

A Texas Biologist

A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

A dolphin trespassed and took over my pool...

I guess I could drain it, but that would defeat the porpoise.

My sister told me she's decided to pursue a career in training dolphins

I guess she finally found her porpoise in life

Why did the little whale wear a burka?

For religious porpoises.

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A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

I honestly didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until i discovered dolphin-watching.

You could say I found my porpoise.

Why was God hesitant to implement his evolution idea?

He worried it would defeet the porpoise.

I got so angry with poachers illegally killing dolphins that I began randomly implanting some with tiny bombs.

But it just ended up defeating the porpoise.

Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That woul...

A man urinated in an a lake full of sea mammals

He denies that he did it on porpoise

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New Original joke

I had sex on top of a dolphin,
You could say I did it on porpoise.

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

A dolphin was arrested for weed possession.

Cop: Is this your Marijuana, sir?

Dolphin: No sir, it's for my cousins. Strictly for medical porpoises.

I heard that dolphins have vestigial legs...

It would seem evolution defeeted the porpoise.

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A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the ...

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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

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So this guy who works in an aquarium

Get summoned by his boss
Who is looking very worried.

And she says to him,
"I've just walked by the dolphin tank,
And they're feeling very amorous -
They're doing all sort of things to each other.
And the trouble is in less than an hour,
We've got three busloads of second gr...

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

I don't understand aquatic mammals

What's their porpoise

A mermaid finally got off the couch and hit the gym once she found a dolphin physical trainer.

She moved with a porpoise.

Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin?

A Dog's Porpoise

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Did you hear about the guy who was caught having sex at Sea World?

Apparently he did it on porpoise.

So, both living in houses and making love with dolphins were just outlawed...

it may be difficult for many, but for all in tents and porpoises, it'll be ok.

Sea World threw me out for trying to ride the manatee

What's the big deal? It's not like I did it on porpoise!

A dolphin was on trial for killing a family member...

The judge asked,

"Did you do it on porpoise?"

A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins...

Multi-porpoise!

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A marine biologist in Virginia fell afoul of the law over his dolphins.

It seems that all he was able to procure were female dolphins. Without males their interest in participating in the experiments waned. Desperate to satisfy his dolphins, he tried to see if any humans could satisfy their needs, but he was limited by morals clauses prohibiting what was in effect bes...

Quintuple pun

There once was a scientist who was doing research into longevity. He had a lab in Florida and was working with porpoises. He had discovered that he could extend their lifespans indefinitely by feeding them an extract made from seagulls. So each morning he would go out on the beach and hunt seagulls...

I hate dolphins...

...for all intents and porpoises.

Having a shark for a pet

kinda defeats the porpoise.

Your lifes like a zoo with no aquatic mammals

Cuz it has no porpoise

Why couldn't the dolphin choose a career?

She had no sense of porpoise.

You know, camping gear for sea mammals is really versatile.

It works for all in tents and porpoises.

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