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Grease Jokes

What's green and covered in bacon grease?

Kermit's finger

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Me to my therapist: “Help, I have a crippling fear of the Grease soundtrack!”

Therapist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Me: Aaaaaaaaaaa-

Therapist: Keep talking, whoa keep talking!

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Ever since I was young, Grease has been my favourite movie.

I know all the songs by heart, know every line, I've even adopted the greaser look as my everyday fashion. Well, I started going out with this girl, Dawn, and things have been going pretty well. I decided I would show her my favourite movie. When it was over, I asked how she liked it, but she was...

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine harvester?

Just one, but you squeeze them through really slowly.

Since my girlfriend started working at the grease factory....

It's been really hard trying to get hold of her.

Why did Penny push Sheldon onto the grease fire?

She was trying to put out the fire with a wet blanket

Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.

Patient: I guess?

Ps...

How many farmers does it take to grease a combine?

...only two, if you feed them in real slow.

I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants.

The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

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Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights.

Therapist: Tell me more.

A chef at a Chinese restaurant flicked his cigarette into a pool of grease on his way out the door at the end of his shift. The restaurant burned down.

The next day the police arrested the chef and booked him on charges of wonton endangerment.

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top.

Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection.

Then, down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease.

About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard

He went downhill fast after that.

What do you put on a bacon grease burn?

Oinkment.

What's the best way to grease a Ferrari?

Run over an Italian.

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

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Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloo...

I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease.

Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.

I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs...

So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more.

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

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My cake day joke.

A gunslinger walks into a bar.
Low and behold there sits Doc Holliday.

The gun slinger says "hey you're Doc Holliday!"

Doc says "yeah I'm your huckleberry. "

The gunslinger says "you are my hero. Would you critique my shooting?" He whips his pistol out of its' holster and sh...

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

Fries weren’t made in France

They were made in grease

How did John Travolta end up in the hospital.?

He slipped in Grease.

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

I saw a stain that was 1000 years old

It was ancient grease.

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This is an old one. RIP Pillsbury Doughboy

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was...

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes...

I made smothered pork chops for dinner.

Now the pillow I used to cut off oxygen is covered with grease.

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

We were changing shifts at the fish sticks factory at the grinder station....

I was at the end of my shift, spattered with oily fish gore, and had my hand in the corkscrew feeder trying to pull a stick bit of bone out. My coworker, in his fresh beginning of shift uniform, reached in to help and his dry cotton sleeve caught and he was pulled in to a gruesome death. As I stood ...

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

What's bacon's favorite movie?

Grease

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What’s the hardest part about having sex with a clown?

Cleaning the grease paint off your back

Please tag this nsfw I forgot how to.

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge?

Chilled Grease

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Butt plug lube

I recently bought a new muzzleloader. The instructions say you can remove the plug at the back of the barrel as long as you grease it up before screwing it back in. Cabelas clerk was confused by my request

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A guy goes into a bar

where he meets a pair of conjoined twins who are joined at the side. They hit it off and proceed to booze the night away. Closing time comes around and they decide to tak the party back to his house. He gets in the door and the twins immediately drop and one starts blowing him while the other tounge...

People in Athens have a hard time waking up early

Because dawn is tough on grease

Famous Last Words

List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:


Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens?

Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.

Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.

The chef, from his own experie...

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

What Did Heracles Fry Food In?

Ancient Grease.

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

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Paedophiles are bad.

Audiophiles are good.

The worst is when you combine the two.

And you're getting molested to the grease soundtrack.

A 90 year old just told this: What happens when you drop the turkey out of the oven?

It's the downfall of Turkey and the overflow of grease.

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic…

A penguin drives his car to the mechanic’s shop and says the engine is making a weird noise.

“Alright,” the mechanic says. “Give me a little bit and I’ll take a look. In the meantime, you can go to the ice cream shack across the street…”

The penguin went an ordered a vanilla ice crea...

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A man calls his boss one morning, and says..

“Hey boss, i’m sorry but I don’t think i’ll be able to make it today. I’m feeling really under the weather.”

His boss, a pretty old fashioned man, replies:

“Listen here, mister. Whenever I feel under the weather, I go see my wife, and tell her to polish my knob, grease my engines and d...

A fire breaks out in the kitchen.

The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, “that’s a grease fire!” The man looks closer at what he’s carrying. “Dammit,” he says, “I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!”

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

Are you on the Mediterranean Diet?

Because I see a lot turkey and grease.

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they al...

Instructions unclear

The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.

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A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


.
.
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Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

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Dill Bread Recipe

This old recipe was handed down to us from Aunt Gladys. The secret is her great dill dough. All the ladies in the Church Choir always rave about Aunt Gladys great dill dough.

Ingredients
1 package (1/4 ounce) active dry yeast ...

So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently...

I guess you could say he fell from Grease.

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Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

An original.

The casting of the movie Grease was a slow process. They'd soon found their Sandy in Olivia Newton-John, but they just couldn't find someone to play Danny.

After weeks of Olivia reading lines with various actors and failing to have any chemistry with them the movie looked like it could be a f...

Geogrophy

If Iraq invaded Turkey from the rear, do you think Grease would help?

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite kid jokes? You know, jokes that only kids tell each other.

There are a few I remember from my childhood, for instance:

How do you catch a seal?

Drill a hole in the ice and line the opening with peas.

When he comes out to take a pea,......grab him!

What did Mr. Spock find in Jim Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log.

Where we...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

A father says to his blonde, teenage daughter one day "honey I thought I asked you to wash the car like 10 times today"...

She replies "I swear I was going to, but I called a hundred different places and nobody has this Elbow Grease that you told me to use !!"

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

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A mad scientist and his dim-witted assistant are collecting resources to bring a cyborg abomination to life.

They split the work to be as efficient as possible. The scientist decides to stay at the lab to tinker with and clean the robotic parts, and the assistant goes out to collect body parts.

After an hour, the assistant arrives with a leg, and sees the robotic parts still covered in grease.
...

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Hitler and the Devil are bored in hell. [NSFW]

So the Satan and Hitler are chillin in hell. Hitler mentions "Damn dude im so bored what is there to do around here?"
Satan just says "I know exactly what to do!" and waves at Hitler to follow him.

They enter a dark room, when Satan sparks up the lights Hitler sees a huge furnace in the mi...

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