Ever since I was young, Grease has been my favourite movie.

I know all the songs by heart, know every line, I've even adopted the greaser look as my everyday fashion. Well, I started going out with this girl, Dawn, and things have been going pretty well. I decided I would show her my favourite movie. When it was over, I asked how she liked it, but she was...

I put in some elbow grease

But the worst part was that I couldn’t lick it off

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

What do you put on a bacon grease burn?

Oinkment.

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

I saw an oil stain that was 1000 years old

It was ancient grease.

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Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights.

Therapist: Tell me more.

About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard

He went downhill fast after that.

Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.

Patient: I guess?

Ps...

What's green and covered in bacon grease?

Kermit's finger

How many farmers does it take to grease a combine?

...only two, if you feed them in real slow.

I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs...

So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more.

I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge?

Chilled Grease

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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

My girlfriend just started working at a grease factory ...

It's so hard to get ahold of her now.

What's the best way to grease a Ferrari?

Run over an Italian.

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens?

Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top


Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection


Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease.

Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.

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A man calls his boss one morning, and says..

“Hey boss, i’m sorry but I don’t think i’ll be able to make it today. I’m feeling really under the weather.”

His boss, a pretty old fashioned man, replies:

“Listen here, mister. Whenever I feel under the weather, I go see my wife, and tell her to polish my knob, grease my engines and d...

A 90 year old just told this: What happens when you drop the turkey out of the oven?

It's the downfall of Turkey and the overflow of grease.

People in Athens have a hard time waking up early

Because dawn is tough on grease

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

A fire breaks out in the kitchen.

The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, “that’s a grease fire!” The man looks closer at what he’s carrying. “Dammit,” he says, “I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!”

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Ladder to success

A guy is wandering through the woods on a trail he's been through many times before when he notices a ladder in the middle of the trail stretching up farther than he can see.

He's never seen this before so he says to himself "fuck it lets see where this goes"

He begins his acsent climb...

What Did Heracles Fry Food In?

Ancient Grease.

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

What's bacon's favorite movie?

Grease

French fries are not made in France.

They are actually made in Grease.

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Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloo...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

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Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.

He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"

The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."

The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for...

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they al...

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Paedophiles are bad.

Audiophiles are good.

The worst is when you combine the two.

And you're getting molested to the grease soundtrack.

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A mad scientist and his dim-witted assistant are collecting resources to bring a cyborg abomination to life.

They split the work to be as efficient as possible. The scientist decides to stay at the lab to tinker with and clean the robotic parts, and the assistant goes out to collect body parts.

After an hour, the assistant arrives with a leg, and sees the robotic parts still covered in grease.
...

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A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.

Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.

The chef, from his own experie...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

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Hitler and the Devil are bored in hell. [NSFW]

So the Satan and Hitler are chillin in hell. Hitler mentions "Damn dude im so bored what is there to do around here?"
Satan just says "I know exactly what to do!" and waves at Hitler to follow him.

They enter a dark room, when Satan sparks up the lights Hitler sees a huge furnace in the mi...

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes...

Are you on the Mediterranean Diet?

Because I see a lot turkey and grease.

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

Instructions unclear

The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.

An original.

The casting of the movie Grease was a slow process. They'd soon found their Sandy in Olivia Newton-John, but they just couldn't find someone to play Danny.

After weeks of Olivia reading lines with various actors and failing to have any chemistry with them the movie looked like it could be a f...

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


.
.
.
Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

Famous Last Words

List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:


Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"

What do you call an Italian transvestite?

A grease trap.

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

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Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

Wooden leg woes.

A man lost a leg in the war, and of course, walked with a limp . But he was afraid that it would limit his possibilities for finding a wife, and also, for finding work, if people knew he had a wooden leg, so he never made a full disclosure about his injury, and he just explained his limp by saying i...

4 MBA students.

4 MBA students went out on a night before their exam and were boozing hard. They did not study for the test and thought of a plan to escape. So they went to their dean looking weary and worn out, their dresses covered in grease and dirt.

They told their dean that they had all gone to a weddin...

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite kid jokes? You know, jokes that only kids tell each other.

There are a few I remember from my childhood, for instance:

How do you catch a seal?

Drill a hole in the ice and line the opening with peas.

When he comes out to take a pea,......grab him!

What did Mr. Spock find in Jim Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log.

Where we...

Twins

A woman gives birth to twins. At age 8, one twin notices that his brother is about an inch taller than he is, but doesn't think much of it. At age 10, his brother appears to be two inches taller, and naturally the shorter boy begins to get discouraged. When they reach the age of 12, the shorter b...

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So Hitler gets sent to hell after he dies

The Devil sees that Hitler has arrived and starts to get excited

Devil: "Wow Hitler I am literally your biggest fan! Watch this, watch this."
The Devil snaps his fingers and a giant frying pan appears. He snaps his fingers again and 50 Jews fall from the sky and burn up in the pan.

...

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A man walks into a bar.....

A man walks into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and looks around.
He says” If I can show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen can I get a free drink?”
Bartender replies “I don’t know, I’ve seen some pretty amazing things in my day……sure, if you can top them, free drink on me...

My dog drank gasoline

This is one my dad sprung on me when I was a kid. For this one, you've got to tell it completely deadpan. Like, this is totally serious, otherwise it won't work. Tried this out a couple of months ago at the lunch table at work. Had them the whole time until the punchline...they were horrified. When ...

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Christmas cake recipe

**Required Ingredients:**

* 1 cup of water

* 1 cup of sugar

* 4 large brown eggs

* 2 cups of dried fruit

* 1 teaspoon of salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* Nuts

* 1 bottle of whiskey

**Preparation:**

Sample the whi...

Geogrophy

If Iraq invaded Turkey from the rear, do you think Grease would help?

So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently...

I guess you could say he fell from Grease.

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