About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs...

So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more.

About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard

He went downhill fast after that.

What's green and covered in bacon grease?

Kermit's finger

I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease.

Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.

My girlfriend just started working at a grease factory ...

It's so hard to get ahold of her now.

How many farmers does it take to grease a combine?

...only two, if you feed them in real slow.

What's worse than Grease on Olivia Newton-John?

Come On Eileen

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.

Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.

The chef, from his own experie...

Why did Aristotle hate French fries?

They were fried in ancient grease!

Young cowboy

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and...

What's the best way to grease a Ferrari?

Run over an Italian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Movie Quiz

Try this quick and easy test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It Really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 19 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

\- Pick a number from 1 to 9

\- Multiply by 3
...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

Culinary History

A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.


"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.

"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

What's bacon's favorite movie?

Grease

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they al...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Are you on the Mediterranean Diet?

Because I see a lot turkey and grease.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death awards 72 virgins to an evil man...

Guy: You mean to tell me, these are my 72 virgins?!!!

Death: Uhh yeah, what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m not sticking my dick in any dudes!!

Death: Who said anything about you sticking YOUR dick in THEM?

Guy:.....

Death: *hands him lube* You better grease up...it’s gon...

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

Instructions unclear

The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


.
.
.
Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It''s so hard to enjoy the simple country games we enjoyed as rednecks in today's society. Take, for instance, catching a greased pig. We got arrested for it even though we were on our own farm and not hurtin' nobody.

For you city slickers that have never had to slaughter farm animals the 'sport' came from a bunch of bored farm boys told to slaughter a pig for bacon, ham, chops, etc...

Everyone today is used to going to the store and not havint' actually see their food killed, so these overly sensitive peo...

TIL The first 'French Fries' weren't fried in France.

They were fried in grease.

Credit: ~~Bob &Tom in the Morning~~ All Me Baby. No credit to anyone else.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler and the Devil are bored in hell. [NSFW]

So the Satan and Hitler are chillin in hell. Hitler mentions "Damn dude im so bored what is there to do around here?"
Satan just says "I know exactly what to do!" and waves at Hitler to follow him.

They enter a dark room, when Satan sparks up the lights Hitler sees a huge furnace in the mi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

An original.

The casting of the movie Grease was a slow process. They'd soon found their Sandy in Olivia Newton-John, but they just couldn't find someone to play Danny.

After weeks of Olivia reading lines with various actors and failing to have any chemistry with them the movie looked like it could be a f...

Two nails

A mathematician is tasked with removing two nails from a wall. One of the nails has been hammered all the way into the wall, the other only halfway. The mathematician thinks the nail that's completely embedded looks like a more interesting challenge and starts working on that one. Using tongs, a cro...

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

What do you call an Italian transvestite?

A grease trap.

What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years?

Ancient grease

Wooden leg woes.

A man lost a leg in the war, and of course, walked with a limp . But he was afraid that it would limit his possibilities for finding a wife, and also, for finding work, if people knew he had a wooden leg, so he never made a full disclosure about his injury, and he just explained his limp by saying i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Roman, a Gaul and a Vandal are all sitting at the bar in a tavern…

Feeling friendly after a few cups of vino, the Roman stands up and says, “Ad Gloriam Romae, I shall share Rome’s glory and buy the next round of drinks!”
The three happily clink mugs and drink together on the Roman’s coin.
Draining his wine, feeling pleasantly fuzzy, the Gaul stands and says, ...

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes...

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?

One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the De...

4 MBA students.

4 MBA students went out on a night before their exam and were boozing hard. They did not study for the test and thought of a plan to escape. So they went to their dean looking weary and worn out, their dresses covered in grease and dirt.

They told their dean that they had all gone to a weddin...

Twins

A woman gives birth to twins. At age 8, one twin notices that his brother is about an inch taller than he is, but doesn't think much of it. At age 10, his brother appears to be two inches taller, and naturally the shorter boy begins to get discouraged. When they reach the age of 12, the shorter b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Hitler gets sent to hell after he dies

The Devil sees that Hitler has arrived and starts to get excited

Devil: "Wow Hitler I am literally your biggest fan! Watch this, watch this."
The Devil snaps his fingers and a giant frying pan appears. He snaps his fingers again and 50 Jews fall from the sky and burn up in the pan.

...

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite kid jokes? You know, jokes that only kids tell each other.

There are a few I remember from my childhood, for instance:

How do you catch a seal?

Drill a hole in the ice and line the opening with peas.

When he comes out to take a pea,......grab him!

What did Mr. Spock find in Jim Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log.

Where we...

My dog drank gasoline

This is one my dad sprung on me when I was a kid. For this one, you've got to tell it completely deadpan. Like, this is totally serious, otherwise it won't work. Tried this out a couple of months ago at the lunch table at work. Had them the whole time until the punchline...they were horrified. When ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas cake recipe

**Required Ingredients:**

* 1 cup of water

* 1 cup of sugar

* 4 large brown eggs

* 2 cups of dried fruit

* 1 teaspoon of salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* Nuts

* 1 bottle of whiskey

**Preparation:**

Sample the whi...

Many people think the Romans invented Vaseline

That was ancient grease

So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently...

I guess you could say he fell from Grease.

Geogrophy

If Iraq invaded Turkey from the rear, do you think Grease would help?

A father says to his blonde, teenage daughter one day "honey I thought I asked you to wash the car like 10 times today"...

She replies "I swear I was going to, but I called a hundred different places and nobody has this Elbow Grease that you told me to use !!"

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