I was feeling poorly so I went to the doctors. After a thorough investigation, he said “don’t eat anything fatty”. I asked “Do you mean fries, burgers, etc?”

He replied “No! Don’t eat anything, FATTY!”

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

My wife rolled a big fatty last night

Later she told me that I snore too loud when I am on my back.

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor recently.. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said, fuck you asshole.

He said, I meant eat healthier.


Repost, credit to MazzukaMy

Why is Greek food so fatty?

Greece.

A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.

“I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?”

The doctor replied, “Don't eat anything fatty.”

“What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?”

“No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"

Some kids called me fatty as I walked down the street today.

I just turned the other chin.

What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

I've been married for 20 years and always called my wife "fatty".

At first she didn't like it but she later grew into it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that to make a perfect cup of tea, you should agitate the bag

...so I slapped her on the arse and said, "pop the kettle on, fatty".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between courage and ballsy

Courage is, when you come home late after a night out with the boys and getting attacked at the door by your wife with a broom and having enough courage to ask her "Are you still cleaning or are you about to go out and fly?"



Ballsy is, when you when you come home late after a night ou...

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

Jogging through the town, a young woman saw a wizened old man smiling at her from his drive.

'You look so happy!' she said to him. 'What's your secret for a long, satisfying life?'

'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' he smiled. 'And I drink a case of whiskey every week, eat nothing but fatty foods and never exercise.'

'That's amazing,' the woman marvelled. 'How old are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a young climber named Ed...

There was a young climber named Ed

No mountain could fill him with dread

Then he met a big fatty

named Pumpkin-Ass Patty

And he said, "I'll do Everest instead".

A man went to the doctor asking what he could do to live longer.

The doctor asked him some preliminary questions.

"Do you drink much?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you stay up late or go to wild parties?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you eat fatty or sugary foods?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you consum...

Doctor's advice

A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ugly fat girl pinches me on the ass..

Me: "excuse me, why did you do that for?"

Fatty: "your pretty cute, can i have your number?"

Me: "yeahh sure, have you got a pen?"

Fatty: "yes i do"

Me: "well fuckin get back in it, the farmer will be wondering where you are!"

Kit Kat

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stoner joke with animals, always been a favorite of mine.

So monkey is sitting in a tree, sparks up a fatty joint. As he's enjoying his rolled handiwork mr lizard comes by an says "shit dude that smells delicious, mind if I join ya?" Monkey replies "No of course not, come on up man." So lizard and monkey sit an smoke for a bit; but this is quite a hefty J ...

Girlfriend

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

Cat jokes

#10

 

Why does a tiger tell the truth?

Because he isn't a lion.

 #9 

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?

None! They were copy cats!

 #8 

Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older guy asks his doctor for tips to maintain health and achieve a longer lifespan.

"Doctor.." said the man, "as you know, I am no longer young. Would you care to give me some tips on maintaining my health so I can live longer?"

The doctor started asking him questions.

"Do you smoke, sir?"

"No, doctor, not anymore. I quit more than 10 years ago."

"Do yo...

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