Greasy Jokes - 49 Hilarious Greasy Jokes

A man walks into a greasy spoon for breakfast....

Waiter says “what will it be, mac? “
The customer says “ I gotta catch a train - so I’ll just have a short stack of pancakes , also coffee ... and waiter - will they be long?”
The waiter says “No buddy, they’ll be round...”

Greasy love

Don't go bacon my heart. I couldn't if I fried.

Why did the Flash leave that greasy diner so quickly?

Because he got a bad case of the runs!

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

my gf always worries that I will cheat on her if I am on a night out

I reassure her "why would I have a kebab when I have the best steak ever at home"

But when you are drunk those greasy kebabs sure are tasty

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How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

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A woman is like a bucket of KFC...

Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

The talking horse

A man is riding his moped on a dark evening along the countryside. At some point his moped's engine starts to stutter and dies. He's now forced to push his moped along this poorly lit road all the way till he gets home.

At some point, somewhere out of the dark, he hears a voice yelling "greas...

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty d...

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In the groove

A man walks into a restaurant and he's pissed off for some reason. The waiter comes up to him and says "May I take your your order."

The man looked at the waiter and screaming says "I want you to get in there and tell the chef, I want a cheese burger not too greasy and not too dry but right ...

Did you hear the one about the boar in the forest?

Oops. Greasy fingers.

What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and a homeless man who works at McDonalds?

One of those greasy bums is making a lot more money.

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Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

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This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke

What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?

When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.

The female washroom had a lip print problem.

Everyday the popular girls went to the washroom and left lipstick prints on the mirrors, causing a hassle for the janitor.

So he thought of a plan and discussed it with a teacher.

One day he invited the offenders to the washroom.

“Everyday after school I need to clean these l...

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Voodoo dick

A newlywed businessman has an upcoming trip to China and he is worried that his wife, a beautiful young woman with perfect tits, ass and an insatiable sex drive, is going to cheat on him while he is away. He confides his worries to his his best friend. His buddy tells him about this new sex shop tha...

Is your body from McDonald's?

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because your loving it?"

Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

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In the seedy corners of the pokeverse,

In the seedy corners of the pokeverse, dirty establishments hide more 'greasy' businesses. a customer walks into one such place and resquests their finest lady.

A large breasts woman with a beautiful face takes them into a private room, and after they are done 'copulating' he lays back, a sat...

A blind rabbit and a blind skunk

Two blind animals approach each other having never seen before, they introduce and proceed to ask each other who they are.

Rabbit: I’m sorry but because I’m blind I don’t know what animal you are.

Skunk: I am blind too, shall we touch each other to see what we are?

The skunk beg...

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow.

But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls aslee...

Dad, you are a business man, how does that work?

Son: "All you do is take stuff or money from strangers and give it to strangers, where does the profit come from?"

Dad: "Okay son, bring that big piece of meat from the fridge"

Son brings the meat and hands it to dad.

Dad: "Okay, and now take it back"

Son shrugs his shoul...

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Car Repair at Walmart

A man and a woman had car trouble as they pulled into the Walmart parking lot. The man told his wife to go ahead and do the shopping and he would try to fix the car.

The wife finishes shopping after about 90 minutes and walks out to the parking lot. She sees a group of people gathered around ...

A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.

The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.

The second man has a purple jumpsui...

Two construction workers are eating lunch together

"Say, friend," says the one, "do you like fat women with long greasy hair?"

"Not on your life!"

"Do you like them with cross-eyes, big noses, and flat faces?"

"Never!"

"Maybe you like girls with crooked teeth and bad breath?"

"Of course not!"

Silence fell fo...

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An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

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So these two guys get stranded in the desert...

So these two guys get stranded in the desert, their car is broken down, they are out of water and help is no where in sight... Except for a shack in the distance. So the two make their way to the shack and knock. An old, ugly, wrinkly, greasy woman answers the door. It smells like she hasn't showere...

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Two friends go hunting...

…..after a long day of hunting, they killed a few deer. One friend begins to field dress the deer, the other is having some stomach issues, so he goes to sit on a log and let nature run its’ course. In doing so, the man falls asleep on the log.

The friend that was field dressing the deer real...

3 Cowboys

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were
about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight

The...

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A man moves to a new neighborhood

A man moves to a new neighborhood and is getting all of his stuff moved in when the doorbell rings. He answers the door to find a big, burly guy chewing tobacco wearing a greasy tank top. "Welcome to the neighborhood!" The visitor says and shakes the mans hand. "Say, later I am having a party and si...

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

A buff man with a orange-sized head..

A well built man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender quite shocked inquires “do you mind me asking about the size of your ahead?”. “Sure..” he acquiescently replies.

“Not long ago I was lost in some woods. I don’t know how I got there. As I was...

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A millennial shows up at an employment agency.

He goes: "Hi, I'm looking for a job, and despite the stereotype, I'm willing to do anything and start from the bottom.

The agent goes "well, there's a farm that needs help with loading some grain sacks."

"Ah, well, that sounds very tiring, and it probably involves being in the sun or t...

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Hunting Trip

John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip.

John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot.

The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him.

John was so hung over that...

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A man is out of town on a business trip, and he decides to go looking for some action.

He finds and enters a bar, and is pleased to find that there are several good-looking women inside. Not just good-looking, actually, but beautiful, and all dressed to the nines in sexy outfits, made up to look their prettiest. It's what the Army calls a "target-rich environment". The only problem is...

A man shows up at a barber shop an after after closing.

One time this guy showed up an hour after closing. I had just finished clearing out the register and I was getting ready to leave. I had taken a moment to arrange the combs by order of size. I'm just weird about little things such as that. I heard a gentle tapping at the door. I glanced up. I saw th...

2 Mexicans were walking through the desert...

It'd been more than a week since either of them had eaten anything, and their last bottle of water had just gone dry. They'd been walking for hours on end.

Suddenly on the horizon, one of the Mexican's spotted something. 'Look over there my friend, you see the green thing?'

His friend ...

A priest dies...

And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black c...

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Two guys are lost in the desert.

They're starving and dying of thirst. Off in the distance, they see a large trailer, surrounded by trees, so they start walking towards it.

The first guy can't make it up the stairs, so he sits down outside in the shade. The second guy walks in and sees shelves upon shelves of food and water...

Sundae

An elderly couple is sitting in their living room, when the Mrs gets an idea.

"Honey," she exclaimed, "Would you mind going out and picking me up an ice cream sundae?"

"Sure," He says, "I've got nothing else better to do."

"But I want a special sundae, would you like me to write...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

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