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Lubricant Jokes

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

Weird Lubricant Order.

During 11:00PM a fellow of 20 years goes into a pharmacy in a big hurry and ordered all the vaseline and similar lubricants he could buy.
The doctor was a bit sceptical about the whole thing, but he carried out the order and the fellow run like no tomorrow.
Just 1 hour later he comes back ...

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I used some refined flour as lubricant and it did NOT work very well at all....

Yet those bastards in marketing are bold enough to call it "all-purpose"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants.

The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.

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An Italian, a Thai and a Jew are discussing lubricants.

The Italian says: "I am using olive oil from an ancient family grove. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for 10 minutes after we are done."

The Thai says: "I am using coconut oil made from cocnuts grown on a secret island. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for a...

I have just finished the entire history of lubricant

It’s the best non friction book I’ve ever read.

What does Popeye use as a lubricant?

Olive Oyl.

I reluctantly told my GF today that I've been using soap as lubricant for the past month.

I had to come clean.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

Why can't you use vegetable oil as gearbox lubricant?

Because it doesn't contain any trans fats.

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

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Just Realized , Vaseline is the best lubricant for having sex ,

Just apply some on the door knob. Makes it very difficult for her to escape.

I've just been reading a book all about lubricant...

It's a fantastic piece of non-friction.

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

The happiest person I know is a lubricant salesperson...

I guess you could say they don't have a lot of friction in their life.

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I tried a new lubricant for anal sex with the wife last night. I wasn't impressed...

It was shit.

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A new medical student was seeing a patient in a clinic for a physical

As the student was inefficient and slow, the patient became furious and gave him a hard time. The student then said, “let me bring my preceptor so we can do your physical examination together.” The student steps out and returns with the preceptor.

Towards the end of the physical, the precepto...

The Doctor suggested my wife and I try different lubricants to improve our relationship

I think loctite is the superior lubricant, my wife doesn’t agree but I doubt we’ll ever be separated.

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

A woman accidently used glue for lubricant...

After she told her best friend about the mix up, the friend said: "This story stays between us, the less people that know about this the better."

The woman nodded in agreement... "Yeah that's right, my lips are sealed."

Did you hear about the couple who accidentally confused window putty with personal lubricant?

All their windows fell out.

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Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.

"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"

"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.

"Maybe you're not, but my door is."

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Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets, Paddy says how did this happen?, wife replied, you remember that night I was so dry and we tried the lubricant (3 in 1)?, well that is when it happened, Paddy breathes a sigh of relief.

Thank fuck we didn't use WD40.

Don’t be negative

It’s should be called LubriCAN not Lubricant… that’s bad marketing.

My friend went to the doctor for a prostate exam

The doctor asked him to bend over the exam table. Then the doctor stands behind him and tells him to relax. My friend said he heard the doctor put on his gloves and squirt some lubricant into his hand. The doctor says, “On the count of three. 1, 2, 3”, and begins the exam. After a few minutes, my bu...

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A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said...

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

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A beautiful young woman goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted ...

She sits down tentatively before looking up at the dentist and says,"I am just so anxious about this whole procedure. You know, I think I would rather be fucked up the ass without any lubricant than have a tooth pulled out."

The dentist replied,"Well...you better make up your mind before I a...

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An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubrican...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

I got arrested today

I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though

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Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.

At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.

She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made lo...

A woman gives birth to triplets

She and her husband are trying to figure out why so many.

"It was probably that time we ran out of lubricant and we used 3-in-one oil instead." says the wife. "Good thing we didn't use WD-40."

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

My cat had a hairball caught in her throat

It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I...uh what? He explained further - vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and ...

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Doctors of reddit - please help! My wife is unable to sit.

We were having naughty time on bed while I was blindfolded.

She wanted to try this new fancy butt plug we had bought earlier. Here's the thing: Instead of using the lubricant, I may have used super-glue by mistake.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders one pint, the second one also orders 1 pint (astonishing the barman because he thought it was a repost), the third orders 1/2 a pint, the fourth orders 1/6th of a pint, the fifth orders 1/24th of a pint and so on. The bartender sees where this is going and says, "I'm all out of ...

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My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal. I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already. However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.

Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop. I figur...

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