What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama?

Family size

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do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

What do you call a lube that doubles as a laxative?

Easy Come, Easy Go

What do you call the situation where you’ve already applied lube, but still can’t put it in?

Lubri-cant

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My girlfriend was disgusted when she found out I masturbate with barbecue sauce as lube. I asked her what I should use instead...

She recommended I start with a dry rub.

I am opening a specialty shop that only sells flavored lube

It’s called Hole Foods

She gave me a hand-job using Vaseline as lube...[NSFW]

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

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my girlfriend used to smoke after sex

so we started using lube.

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A Recently Divorced Man on an Adventure

A man and his wife got a divorce after 15 years of marriage. After a month of feeling down he decided he needed to get over it. One Friday night he and a mate go to a brothel to have some fun. He asks the madam for a girl who is adventurous and special as he has had blowjobs and missionary sex for h...

Did you hear about the newlywed couple that didn’t know the difference between KY lube and silicone caulk?

Their windows fell out.

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

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Vaseline is my Choice of lube during sex

I smear it on the door knob so she can't escape

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What do you call sex without lube?

....just sex

....sorry...that one was a little dry

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

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What do you call a really horny tomato farmer with no lube?

Friction till fruition.

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

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So i came up with a new name for lube...

High Fructose Porn Syrup

Martha and Arthur

The old coulple were sitting on their porch reminiscing on 65 years of marriage, After a few moments of silence Martha pipes up:
"Arthur, what would you do if I started smoking?"
He replies:
"I'd slow down dear, and use more lube."

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How much lube does it take to have anal sex?

A butt load

"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else,

**I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan."**

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Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for stealing lube?

They couldn't get any of the charges to stick.

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

"Got any lube?"

"Yeah you where lucky its the last bottle."

"You really saved my ass!"

I confused a tube of super glue with a tube of lube

It was horrible. My model airplane kept slipping apart.

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A man walks into a brothel.

He goes up to the lady at the front desk and says, “good afternoon, I have 5 dollars what can I get?” She replies, “uhh we have a room, but it’s not that impressive, second door on the right.” The man hands the women the 5 dollars and goes to the room. He opens the door and sees a table, chicken, lu...

Why doesn't Popeye need lube?

Because he has Olive Oyl..

Bonus:
What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
He sticks it in Olive Oyl.

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Did you hear about the guy who accidently used super glue instead of lube while having sex?

He's now a man trapped in a woman's
body..

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My wife and I are big believers in coconut oil as lube, it's been great for us really...

But now whenever I make macaroons I get a boner.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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I bought some cherry lube the other day but I didn't end up using it.

Turns out cherries are already pretty easy to shove up your arsehole as they are.

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

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If you went camping with a buddy and woke up with your butt hurting and lube everywhere would you tell anyone?

No?

Wanna go camping?

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My friend asked me if I ever smoke after having sex...

...I said, Only when I forget the lube.

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Did you hear about the guy that was accused of using his boss's hand soap as lube for masturbating?

He came clean.

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How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend?

About a quart to pound her with cheese.

I always carry a microphone and some lube...

in case I need to bust a nut and a rhyme at the same time

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Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

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Honey, what would you do if I started smoking after sex? (NSFW)

An old man and am old woman are sitting outside on the porch enjoying the evening breeze. The old woman looks over at her husband and says,

"Honey, what would you do if I started smoking after sex?"

The old man looks over at his wife and raises an eyebrow,

"Well I'd slow down an...

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."


[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

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The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

Travel plans around Africa

I told my wife: I wanna end up and stay in Djibouti the longest, she said it's not my favorite but I'll get the lube.

A guy walks into a brothel...

“I’d like to have a girl.”

The madame gets on the loudspeaker:

“Harry- lube up Sarah!”

“That’ll be $40.”

“I don’t have that much.”

“Harry- forget it! Lube up Tonya!”

“That’ll be $20.”

“I don’t have that much either.”

“Harry- forget it! ...

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My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal. I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already. However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.

Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop. I figur...

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This quarantine hasnt been easy on my sex life.

I keep confusing the lube with the alcohol.

My girlfriend said she identifies as a man now.

I said great, I'll go and get some lube for tonight.

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking ?

Slow down and possibly use lube

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When my girlfriend and I have sex, she always smokes afterwards

I think next time we’ll try it with some lube

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…

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What was Tarzans last words?

Who the fuck lubed the vines?

They say that baby shampoo is tear free,

But I still cried when my uncle used it on me as lube.

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I got kicked out of the sex shop the other day.

I was checking out the lube selection. Turns out if they ask if you want to sample any, your not supposed to take your pants off!

If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

How do you get a smoking hot lover?

Stop using lube and go really fast.

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How can you tell a vegan is a sadist?

The first sign is when they ask you to use chunky peanut butter for lube during anal.

A family of three all refuses to do the dishes. [NSFW]

After having dinner, a family of three, the father, the mother and the daughter, can't decide who should do the dishes. All of them refuse and the father comes up with a competition. The first one to say anything or move has to do all of the dishes. So they sit there, silent and still.

Then,...

You know you have a problem when...

Your personal lube is depleting like two people are using it, but you live alone...

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