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Lube Jokes

What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama?

Family size

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

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Butt plug lube

I recently bought a new muzzleloader. The instructions say you can remove the plug at the back of the barrel as long as you grease it up before screwing it back in. Cabelas clerk was confused by my request

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My roommates don't know I've been stealing all the soap for lube to masturbate with ...

But eventually I'm going to have to come clean.

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Vaseline is my Choice of lube during sex

I smear it on the door knob so she can't escape

She gave me a hand-job using Vaseline as lube...[NSFW]

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

Why did a girl buy lube

To get a nut loose

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."


[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

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How much lube does it take to have anal sex?

A butt load

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

"Got any lube?"

"Yeah you where lucky its the last bottle."

"You really saved my ass!"

My dad sent me a random text asking what type of lube do I use

I responded, “K…Y?”

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What do you call sex without lube?

....just sex

....sorry...that one was a little dry

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So i came up with a new name for lube...

High Fructose Porn Syrup

What do you call a lube that doubles as a laxative?

Easy Come, Easy Go

I am opening a specialty shop that only sells flavored lube

It’s called Hole Foods

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They have announced that they are going to start selling Beer flavoured Lube that is 6.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex on them.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

You know that in Ancient Greece they used olive oil as lube

They must have been very greecy

Why doesn't Popeye need lube?

Because he has Olive Oyl..

Bonus:
What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
He sticks it in Olive Oyl.

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Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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What do you call a really horny tomato farmer with no lube?

Friction till fruition.

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

What do you call the situation where you’ve already applied lube, but still can’t put it in?

Lubri-cant

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

Did you hear about the newlywed couple that didn’t know the difference between KY lube and silicone caulk?

Their windows fell out.

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

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Did you hear about the guy who accidently used super glue instead of lube while having sex?

He's now a man trapped in a woman's
body..

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for stealing lube?

They couldn't get any of the charges to stick.

I always carry a microphone and some lube...

in case I need to bust a nut and a rhyme at the same time

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My girlfriend was disgusted when she found out I masturbate with barbecue sauce as lube. I asked her what I should use instead...

She recommended I start with a dry rub.

I confused a tube of super glue with a tube of lube

It was horrible. My model airplane kept slipping apart.

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I used to smoke after sex, but I stopped.

Since I started using lube.

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How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend?

About a quart to pound her with cheese.

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I bought some cherry lube the other day but I didn't end up using it.

Turns out cherries are already pretty easy to shove up your arsehole as they are.

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If you went camping with a buddy and woke up with your butt hurting and lube everywhere would you tell anyone?

No?

Wanna go camping?

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Did you hear about the guy that was accused of using his boss's hand soap as lube for masturbating?

He came clean.

I asked the park ranger if it's ok to spit in the bush

She said "We should probably use lube instead"

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My wife and I are big believers in coconut oil as lube, it's been great for us really...

But now whenever I make macaroons I get a boner.

My buddy's wife has always rubbed me the wrong way

I always have to tell her to use more lube

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How much lube should you buy to prepare to have sex with a McDonald's fry cook with a cheddar fetish?

About a quart to pound her with cheese.

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…

My GF and I decided to quit smoking.

So we bought some lube.

"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else,

**I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan."**

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A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

A guy walks into a brothel...

“I’d like to have a girl.”

The madame gets on the loudspeaker:

“Harry- lube up Sarah!”

“That’ll be $40.”

“I don’t have that much.”

“Harry- forget it! Lube up Tonya!”

“That’ll be $20.”

“I don’t have that much either.”

“Harry- forget it! ...

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

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A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital

She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher, his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she repli...

Where is a Furries favorite place to get an oil change?

Yiffy Lube.

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A Recently Divorced Man on an Adventure

A man and his wife got a divorce after 15 years of marriage. After a month of feeling down he decided he needed to get over it. One Friday night he and a mate go to a brothel to have some fun. He asks the madam for a girl who is adventurous and special as he has had blowjobs and missionary sex for h...

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Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

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My friend asked me if I ever smoke after having sex...

...I said, Only when I forget the lube.

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A man walks into a brothel.

He goes up to the lady at the front desk and says, “good afternoon, I have 5 dollars what can I get?” She replies, “uhh we have a room, but it’s not that impressive, second door on the right.” The man hands the women the 5 dollars and goes to the room. He opens the door and sees a table, chicken, lu...

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

A Trucker was looking to get a little action one night

So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some "company". Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.

The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walk...

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Honey, what would you do if I started smoking after sex? (NSFW)

An old man and am old woman are sitting outside on the porch enjoying the evening breeze. The old woman looks over at her husband and says,

"Honey, what would you do if I started smoking after sex?"

The old man looks over at his wife and raises an eyebrow,

"Well I'd slow down an...

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When my girlfriend and I have sex, she always smokes afterwards

I think next time we’ll try it with some lube

Martha and Arthur

The old coulple were sitting on their porch reminiscing on 65 years of marriage, After a few moments of silence Martha pipes up:
"Arthur, what would you do if I started smoking?"
He replies:
"I'd slow down dear, and use more lube."

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This quarantine hasnt been easy on my sex life.

I keep confusing the lube with the alcohol.

Travel plans around Africa

I told my wife: I wanna end up and stay in Djibouti the longest, she said it's not my favorite but I'll get the lube.

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

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