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Goin Jokes

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

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I’m trying to concentrate!

Three Irish monks, around 850 AD, were copying manuscripts in the library of their monastery. The monastery had a strict code of silence, allowing monks to speak only once every seven years.

So seven years pass, and the first monk says “Hey Brother Liam, how’s it goin’?”. Another seven years...

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Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.

Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.
The doctor said “Look out the window and tell me what you see”.
“Nointy noin” Paddy announces, clearly proud of his achievement.
“Ninety nine?” asked the doctor. “But all that’s out there ar...

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat and his mother as he is going on vacation for a month. The trip is goin well when one day he receives an e-mail from his friend that reads: "Your cat was hit by a truck and died".

He immediately calls his friend to ask what exactly had happened and ...

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Kid with Chicken Wire

This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens wit...

What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window?

Where you going essay!?

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A buddy of mine called last night to shoot the shit and he asked me, "So man how are things goin? You been gettin laid?"

Me: "Yeah man! Matter of fact I've been fuckin twins!"

Friend: "No shit?? Twins? Well how do you tell them apart?"

Me: "It's easy, Kim has red hair and Bob has a dick."

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Old country road

A young man walks down country road every day by an old man and his banjo sitting on his porch.

Walking down the country road on his first day of summer, he was carrying chicken wire. The old man asked, “hey boi, where ye goin with that there chicken wire” To which the boy replied, “I’m goin...

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Long queue at the ATM..

I was queuing for ages earlier at an ATM. The queue wasn't moving and no one was saying anything. I said fuck this I'm going up to see what the fuck is goin on. So there's this clown at the top of the queue at the cash machine with his arms outstretched as if he's on a tightrope swaying from side to...

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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me! I'm going in!

Owing to fog a steamer stopped at the mouth of a river.

An old lady inquired of the captain the cause of the delay.

"Can't see up the river," replied the officer.

"But, captain, I can see the stars overhead," she argued.

"Yes," said the captain gruffly, "but until the boiler busts we ain't a-goin' that way."



Source: 19...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.


"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"


"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

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A cowboy rides up to the saloon..

He stopped his horse at the hitching post and climbed off. "Good girl, Betsy, you have a rest." He said, and gave the horse's neck a good scratch.
He patted its side and walked to the rear. After tidying some twigs from the tail, he lifted it up and gave the horse a huge, lingering kiss on the ar...

A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman...

"What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today"
"Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?"
"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

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A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an airport in the South waiting on her flight back to New York, when

a young southern girl sat down next to her. "Where y'all goin' to?" she asked the teacher.

Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied, "I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions."

The young lady thought a moment and replied, "Where y'all goin' to, *bitch*?"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy.

The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?"

The other guy says "I'm Irish".

First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?"

The second guy says "Dublin".

F...

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

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Three ducks walk into a bar...

The bartender knows he’s being had so is cautious.
He walks up to the first duck and asks. What’s your name?”
The duck relies. “Huey.”

The Barman says “ so how’s it goin, Huey?”

Huey says, “ oh in and out of puddles all day, it’s a great day to be a duck.”

The Bartender s...

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Son, you ain't catchin' nothin'

One morning, as the old man is sitting on his porch, sippin' shine and smoking his pipe he sees the young boy from up the road carrying a huge roll of wire, walking down the road.

>Hey, boy! Where you goin with all that wire there?

>This ain't just wire, mister. This here's chic...

Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog....

Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog with one of its hind legs up in the air and it’s snout buried in its crotch. They stop for a moment as the dog furiously tongues its balls.... just goin’ to town on himself. The first man turns to his friend and asks, “Wow, man..... my wife is ...

Three brunettes and a redhead walk into a bar...

...and the bartender says "Hey Hey Hey! What's goin' on?"

A man walks into a bar

and sees a gorgeous woman, he walks up behind her and says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it goin'?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car...

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy....

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nagging wife

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost ÂŁ5000 to ship her home or ÂŁ50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." Th...

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An old woman is in her upstairs bathroom. She looks out the window and sees a gorilla watching her.

She calls 911, fire department, police, no one can help. She goes on google and finds John's gorilla removal service. he comes right out. He ties a pitbull to the base of the tree. He gets a sawed off shotgun out of the van, and gives it to the old woman. He gets a ladder and begins to climb the tre...

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Crappy joke

Hey girl, are you a microwave? Cause you got me goin, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ding!"

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...

"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

We’ve all seen the joke that’s been goin' 'round Reddit,

The one with lame puns about “spreddit” and “shreddit.”

People assume that we’ll somehow forgeddit,

and then they repost it and act like they seddit.

We—the people—assume that they’ll eddit it,

find the origi...

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An old man sees little Johnny walking down the street

And old man sees little Johnny walking down the street. Under his arm he's got a bundle of chicken wire

Old man "hey Johnny, where you going with that chicken wire?"

Johnny "to catch some chickens o' course!"

Old man "not really how that works, but okay! Good luck young whippe...

I usually don’t wear these socks out in public...

They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in.

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Do you know the depressed plumber?

yeah he be really goin' trough some shit

there's a walrus walking down the street.

A man stops and asks him" where the hell you goin?" The walrus said" to a Tupperware party." The man, bewildered, asked " Why?" To which the walrus replied " heard I might find a tight seal."

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

Old man goes to the pharmacist...

Pharmacist: Hey Bill, what's goin' on?

Bill: Oh, not much Frank, wife's birthday was a few weeks ago, didn't know what to get her, so I bought a 100,000 life insurance policy.

Pharmacist: Not very romantic, but practical I guess.

Bill: Yeah, she really liked the idea and securi...

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Three Italians in Heaven

*side note: this joke is kinda long, there is some swearing, and the grammar mistakes are part of it because I'm imitating Italians speaking English.

Three Italian men are standing in front of St. Peter in Heaven. St. Peter says, "before I let you guys in, I would like to know how you got he...

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A young man strikes a good conversation in a bar with a stranger.

After a few hours of chatting about good quality whiskey, the stranger says:



“Hold up, i have a bottle from the 1800s and i never got to open it. Tonight seems like a good occasion, lets go have a swig of it.”



The young man, already quite drunk, agrees to the stranger...

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Kenny brought his pet cat to school on tuesday.

The teacher confused replied, "Why do you have your pet today? You know well that Monday is show and tell."

Kenny replied, "I meant to save his life. I heard my dad say 'Once kenny leaves for school, I'm goin to eat that fuckin pussy,' to my mom."

What did one candle say to the other?

You goin' out tonight?

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

I saw my friend Jinx yesterday.

I said "Hey, Jinx!". I got no response.
I said, a little louder, "Jinx?". Still no response.
Eventually I decided to be a pest. "Hey Jinx! Yo Jinx! Hi, Jinx! What's goin on Jinx? Heeeey Jinx! Hi Jinx!". She got mad at me, and screamed "I've had enough of your 'hijinks'!"

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Panther.

Panther who?

Panther no panth I’m goin thwimmin’!

Ole and Sven are on da lake fishin...

(Read in a Norwegian accent)

So Ole and Sven are on da lake fishin and da fish are bitin pretty good, but when Sven sets da hook, he falls overboard. Sven can't svim you see, so Ole jumps in da lake after 'im.

It's pretty dark down d'ere but Ole is feeling along the bottom and he sudd...

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Lost and found

I was late home for dinner after goin to the shops and the wife was mad.
I said to her “honey sorry I’m late but a man lost €50”. she said “aww that’s nice were u helping him look for it?” “No” I said “I was fukn standing on it!”

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3 mice are sitting in a bar.

The first mouse says "I am the biggest baddest mouse in the whole world, when I see a mouse trap I run up and eat the food while doing a workout with the bar. I am the biggest, baddest mouse in the whole world."
The second mouse says "Thats nothing, when I see D—con I take home with me. I use it ...

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A guy from Boston was driving down a New Hampshire country road.

He saw a farmer out in his field, doing something near a horse drawn wagon. His interest piqued, he pulled over and got out to watch. After a while, it became clear the farmer was picking something up out of the plowed field and tossing it into the back of the wagon. As the farmer got closer, the gu...

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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all in a car, headed to Parliament.

When they arrive, they drive through the front gates and park up outside.

The Englishman says, "*I'm going to speak to the Prime Minister, to see what we can do about getting some national pride back.*"

The Scotsman says, "*Ah'm goin' tae speak wi' the Prime Minister, an' ask if they c...

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

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I'm on a new diet of just Viagra and prune juice...

I never know if I'm comin' or goin'.

Two crossed eyed guys bump into each other in the street...

One says, "why don't you look where you're goin" and the other says "why don't you go where you're lookin!"

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Traffic stop

A man gets pulled over for going 5 miles over the speed limit. He says to the cop "youre gonna ticket me for goin FIVE MILES over the limit?"
Cop says "you betcha."
The man asks "is it against the law to call a cop an asshole?"
The cop replies "yep i wouldnt recommend it."
"Well is it ag...

A whale performs a La Roux cover......

"Mmmmmmmmmm.......I'm goin' in for the krill"

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Pussy Willow

One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his front porch, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.

“Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.

“This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me s...

VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is th...

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A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

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[NSFW] John is moving into a house in the country

John is moving into a house in the country. His neighbor, Paul, pulls down the drive way and greets John. Paul invites John to his house party the following week end.
"There's gonna be a lot of drinkin', a lot of fightin', and a lot of fuckin' goin' on," Paul tells John.
"Oh, okay" John replie...

What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people on this sub haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. While he's drinking, some...

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

A man is walking home when he spots a hooker in the shadows

"Twenty bucks" she whispers

After a bit, he agrees, and they head into the nearby bushes

They go at it for about a minute until a light is shined on them by a police officer

"What's goin' on here?!" He asks

"Well, I was just screwing me sister!" Says the man

The c...

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

Santa is stressed...

Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.

But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree ...

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Paraplegic Party

you goin to the paraplegic party?
I hear its gonna be crawling with pussy

Another excerpt from the Mike Tyson dictionary:

Dictate:

Dis ' ho was goin' down on me lass night an' she said "oh champ, yo' dictate so good."

This has been another excerpt from the Mike Tyson dictionary.

The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to...

A hillbilly invites his new neighbor to a party...

he says "there'll be a whole lotta drinkin', dancin', and screwin'..."


His neighbor asks if he can bring anything.


Hillbilly says, "you can bring anything you want, just goin' be me and you..."

*credit to "Mad Men"*

Puttin' Together a Posse

This guy comes into the sheriff's office and says, "Sheriff, we're puttin' together a posse and goin' after an outlaw."

The sheriff says, "What's he look like?"

The guy says, "Well, he's wearin' a brown paper hat, a brown paper kerchief, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper belt, brown p...

Glasgow Wedding

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister,
even ma stag night".
...

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I was taking a road tip over the mountains...

I was taking a road trip over the mountain a month back. Just as I reached the summit I really needed to "drop one off" so I stopped at this little restaurant just off the highway. Nice place, good pancakes. Either way, I sit down in the bathroom stall and start to get down to business.

...

Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?" The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?" The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on...

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.......

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair and instructs the barber how to cut the boy's hair.


"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."


When the boy...

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

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A woman is donating some blood to make a little extra money . . .

She heads to the hospital and gets on the elevator with a man about her age. They say hello and she tells him she is heading to the 4th floor and asks if he would push the button for her. He clicks the button and also hits the 6th floor button for himself. A few weeks later the woman returns to the ...

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Requires a little visualization, "The Penguin"

Buddy needs a lay but only has $10 to his name, finds a seedy women in a seedy bar.

So he asks her "what can I get for $10 bucks"

"The Penguin" She replies. Desperate he's quick to agree and they find their way into an alley.

She pulls her skirt up and stands with her legs shoul...

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The man who turned into a chicken

John went to bed, kissed his wife goodnight and closed his eyes to sleep.
He suddenly woke up with a jolt and saw an elderly bearded man dressed in a cowl standing next to the bed.
"Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?", John said.
-"You're not in your bedroom", the m...

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An old man is sitting on his porch...

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walk by carrying some chicken wire. He shouts "Hey boy where are you goin with that chicken wire?" The boy replies "I'm going to catch some chickens." The man shouts back "Boy you cannot catch chicken with chicken wire!" The boy just shr...

Mafioso

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he
called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me.
I wanna for you to take my chromeplated 38...
revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa I really don't like guns so how
about you leaving me your Rolex watch ins...

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Another Southern Belle Joke:

Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon

1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."

2SB: "My My My"

3SB: "You know, my h...

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

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Neighborhood Hootenanny

A fella -- let's call him "Chad" -- moves out of the city and buys himself a nice big home in the country. He enjoys the fresh air and being away from the noise and traffic of the city, but it isn't long before he finds himself feeling bored and a little lonely. He decides to cure both by heading ou...

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A retired stock broker moves to the country

He buys a large plot of land and is living by himself for a few months when he gets a knock on the door.
The man answers the door and a large country boy is standing there.

"Muh name is Bubba, I'm your neighbor with the farm across from ya"

The man is excited as he hasn't really ...

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A priest is sitting in a confessional, sipping from a flask.

He's feeling pretty good, letting the time pass,

when just at the moment he has to pee,

someone walks up to confess, you see.

Well, the priest can't hold it, so he peeks out

and sees the church janitor walking about.

"Tony! Come here," He whispers, "I need a hand.<...

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Guy gets a new job...

(Long but worrh the read)...

a guy gets a bew job at an all in one store. His manager says that he works on commission so just try to sell a few things and he'll come back and check on him later.
At the end of the day he comes back and asks the salesman how many sales he had. The guy rep...

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The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

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A salesman finally retires and moves far away...

....from everyone in the middle of Alaska. After 6 months of blissful solitude he hears a knock on his front door. He answers to a burly bearded man wearing overalls.

"My name's Lars, yer nearest neighbor a few miles down the road. I wanted to invite you to a party I'm having this weekend." <...

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A cowboy was riding his horse through the desert...

He rides over a ridge and sees a native american Indian brave laying on the ground with an erection pointing straight up in the air. The stunned cowboy asked "Woah there chief, what in the hell are you doin' just layin' there with your boner sticking up"? The brave relied "Me tellum time". The cow...

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Trump in Chicago

Donald Trump decides to visit Chicago. He wants to get a few photo ops, so he can later post them on Twitter and show how he and his policies "helping the community get back on its feet."

But when he gets to the South Side, he notices that the streets are completely empty. Finding that odd, ...

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There once was a little fella in school named Dirty Johnny...

One day in class, the teacher says "Now, this is what you're gonna do here, class, I want you to stand up and tell a story from your life, and then afterwards, reveal the moral to that story".

So a girl raises her hand. "Yes, Becky! What's your story?".
So Becky stands up and she says "My ...

The Rich Old Man

A rich, brittle, 90 year old man walks into the doctors office for his usual check up. He sits down and waits until the doctor finally comes in:

Doc: Hows it goin fred?

Old Man: Good doc, but I gotta tell ya, something amazing has happened!

Doc: What that Fred?

Old man: W...

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A doctor and his wife were having lunch...

...and a beautiful young woman walks by and winks at the doctor suggestively. She cooes, "How's it goin', doc?" and walks away, hips swaying.

The wife, confused, asks, "Who was that, dear?"

The doctor took a sip of his wine and said casually, "That's my mistress Arielle."

The wi...

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A lady just wants to take a bath.

Here’s an original one.


A woman, let’s go with Penny., was preparing to go to a banquet in two hours. She goes to to take a bath. She prepares a clean dry, takes off her clothes and throws them into the dirty hamper. Just as she was about to step foot into the bath, she hears a knock at ...

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A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

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Some short drunk jokes

A drunk was walking home in the middle of the night. He didn't notice one of the manholes was open so he fell down the shaft. After pondering his situation for a bit he said to himself: "This sucks. If I don't get out of here in 10 minutes, I'm goin' home."

---------

A drunk climbed in...

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A scruffy old drunk walks in to a bar...

... and says "give me a fucking pint and a whisky pal". The barman says "sure, but there's no need for the bad language though". The old fella drinks his pint down in one go and then pours the whisky in to his coats top pocket. The barman is watching this and just shakes his head thinking the guy...

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Old West Gunfighter

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.
One night as he was sitting in a saloon, when he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him u...

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An Italian in New York

*Note: this joke is best read out loud, in the best Italian accent you can do.*

So, I hear all my friends tell me how much they like New York, so I decide I'm gonna go visit. I take the plane to New York from Rome, an' by the time I get there, it's the middle of the night.

So I go to ...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

One morning a guy tells his wife that he is going to chop down 20 trees...

One morning a guy wakes up and tells his wife that he is going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and that he will be done by suppertime. He works and works all day long, but can only chop down two trees. He is so tired that when he comes in for supper he goes right to sleep without eati...

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A drunk is leaning against a lightpost...

A drunk (D) is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street. Whilst gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed young man (YM) standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by. As D is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the YM says something to her. She imme...

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

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THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN' IN LOUISIANA Enjoy!

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana .

3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana .

4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite ...

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A woman is sick of her husband...

(Prepare yourself. You'll be here for a little while)

The guy is a dedicated body builder of 14 years. He's in great shape but he barely pays any attention to his wife. She decides to go and find a better man one night.

She ends up in a nightclub and meets a good looking young Doctor. ...

It's time for some Tern Jokes!

* A group of sea-birds flew over Amsterdam.
No tern was left unstoned.

* Frans just opened up his new Deli and was doing quite well. People came in from miles around to buy his sausages and meats, and they never left unsatisfied. One day a man walks in and orders a pound of sausage. Fran...

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