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Oughta Jokes

From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!

Farmer had a champion bull, it bred 200 times a year.

Farmers wife said, “200 times isn’t that wonderful dear,
“Maybe you oughta watch him, maybe he’ll show you how”.
Farmer said, “He’s a heck of a bull, but it wasn’t all with the same cow”

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub...

... when an irate Irishman stands up: "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughta punch you in the nose." "I'm sorry sir, I..." "Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

All these singers dropping their new albums and songs.....

don't you think they oughta be a little careful the next time?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the street...

When a little boy, about 8, jumps in front of them and moons them before giggling and running away.

The rabbi says, “Someone oughta do something to that little asshole.”

The priest, smiling, says “That’s what I was thinking!”

An ottoman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve ottomans in here”, and the ottoman says...

“Well, you oughta, man!”

I keep meaning to write my memoirs, but never get around to it.

It's my oughta biography

A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"

"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

What did the kinky vegetable say to the other vegetable.

You oughta choke me.

hellcat and the mx-5

A Dodge Challenger Hellcat is roaring through the mountains when little mx-5 catches up to it. The Hellcat pushes harder, hard on the gas on the straights, hard on the brakes before the turns. But no matter what the Hellcat does, the mx-5 is still right on the Hellcat.



Finally the Hel...

President Trump decides to go for joh

On the White House lawn, the groundskeeper tells Trump that he oughta try racing around the White House.
Groundskeeper: “Every President for decades has raced around the White House. Your predecessor Barack Obama ran the entire race in 10 minutes.”
Trump: “That’s nothing! I can beat that! Beli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.

The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth. "What y'all want done 'round here?" the bumpkin asks.

"I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard."

"Alrighty!" says the bumpkin. "I'll have 'er done in a jiffy." And...

Joe & Chester

Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'. You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."

"What makes you say that, Joe?"

"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your ...

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his arm...

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That's right

Half dressed redneck couple were sitting on couch watching news on TV, with the man's arm around the woman. The man says "Look at them homosexuals ruinin' the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man and one woman. Ain't that r...

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An old man and his grandson are sitting on the porch.

An elderly man and his grandson are sitting outside on the porch. The grandfather pulls out a cigar, lights it, and proceeds to smoke. The grandson looked upon him with curiosity.

"Papa, may I have a cigar?" The little boy asked.

The old man smirks, "You can, but only if your answer ...

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Apparently my coworker has lived a very sheltered life.

He comes up to me while I'm eating lunch and asks "Say, what is that you're eating out of??"

"What, my thermos?"

"Yeah! How does that work?"

"Uhh, it keeps the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold."

"Wow! I oughta get me one of those!" And he just walks away.

I di...

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A Brave Bunch of Volunteer Firemen...

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was a more than the fire department could handle.Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.

Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, t...

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Never Trust An Indian

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me h...

A yuppie is driving through the country and sees a pig on the side of the road...

...but there aren't any farms nearby. So, he picks it up and puts it in the passenger seat and drives off looking for the nearest person to whom it may have belonged. After a few miles he drives by a farm, stops, and asks the farmer if it's his pig.

"Nope, ain't mine, and no farmers around he...

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Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy , was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.


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