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Why was the washing machine laughing?

Because it was taking the piss outa your pants..

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The string gets sloppy drunk, barfs all over the bar, so the bar tender kicks him out. "You're banned!"

The next night, the string wants to get back in, so he ties a not near one end and frazzles up the fibers sticking out, then walks into the bar.

The bartender yells "Aren't you that ...

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

Walks into a bar chemistry jokes

Silver walks into a bar
He sees gold in the distance and yell’s,
“AU! Get outa here!”

Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says,
“Sorry we don’t serve noble gases here”
Helium doesn’t react

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

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My girlfriend broke up with me.

She said
"I'm sorry, but you're just too immature."
I looked her dead in the face and said
"Get the fuck outa my treehouse!"

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I always read r/creepy when i poop

It scares the shit outa me...

A hippie was walking along the road ...

...when he saw a big rock by the side of the road, wobbling. Being a strong hippie, he picked up the rock to see what was underneath.
To his surprise, out jumped a leprechaun!

"To be sure, I am grateful to ye, lad!" he cried. "And in return for your kindness I will grant you three magic ...

The Italian Beach (NSFW)

Mario and Luigi, two Italians recently out of jail, see each other at a bar. "Luigi! You friggin guy! how are ya, i heard you just got outa jail," Mario drunkenly exclaimed. "Yeahs, i was ina the jail for robbery, how about you Mario?" slurred Luigi. "well," began mario, shaking his head sadly "i ...

A mountain man went to the dentist.

The dentist said "You've got a really badly infected tooth that I'm going to have to pull. I'll give you a shot and when you're numb I'll pull the tooth."

The mountain man replied "Don't worry about the shot, I can take the pain. Just pull it outa there."

So the dentist dug and tugge...

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Why do blind people not skydive?

Scares the living shit outa their dogs!

So a Blonde Brunette and a Redhead are all assistants to a powerful lady C.E.O.....

The C.E.O tells the ladies she is leaving for the day and for them to watch things/do her work while she is out. When the C.E.O. leaves, the Redhead says, "Man this is the 3rd time this week she's done this to us!"
The Brunette starts to gather her things and replies: "that's it, I'm outa here." ...

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class to talk about his experiences. He tells the class, "I remember one time, me and my squadron was comin' back from escortin' some B-17 and we're almost over the Channel, when one a dem Fokkers come out of a cloud..." A few kids chuckle ...

the lord will save me

So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded.
(Let’s call him father Otis)
when there is a couple of inches of water on the ground a guy on a surfboard comes along and says in a think Mexican accent "father Otis I get you to safety just hop on my board and I take...

What did the recent Sunni convert says about ISIS?

They really scared the Shiite outa me!

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A guys wife leaves town for the week to visit her family.

A guys wife leaves town for the week to visit her family. One day while she is gone he decides to get some lunch during work. While walking to the sandwich shop he passes by a pet store and in the window he sees a bull frog for $10,000. He thinks, "I got to see why this bull frog is $10,000!" He wal...

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snail and the turtles

so a snails walking home late one night through a seedy neighborhood. When a few young punk turtles come up and jump the guy. i mean really beat the living shit outa our ol pal the snail. he wakes up a few days later in the hospital and the cops are right there pressing him for information "What hap...

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