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Tellin Jokes

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."

"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"

Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"

"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.

"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"

"Oh, well" says Mar...

An Irish boys confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "

"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputatio...

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

A little Jewish boy runs up to his mom and says, "Mama, I wanna sing really loud!"

His mother says, "Shush with that! Not in the house!"

So the boy runs up to his grandmother and says, "Gramma, I wanna sing really loud!"

And his grandmother says, "My darling, you do whatever you want."

So the boy takes in a deep breath...

*"My Mom's tellin' me nooooo......

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A man gets pulled over by the police…

And while the officer is questioning the man, the man notices that the officer is being bothered by a fly.

Man: “it looks like you got yourself a circle fly.”

Officer: “Circle fly? I’ve never heard of a circle fly before.”

M: “they’re the flys that circle around a horse’s ass.”<...

Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and ther...

A clown and a child walk into the dark woods....

The child looks up at the clown and says "I'm scared." The clown replies "You're tellin' me kid, I have to walk back alone."

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The Rooster

A farmer goes to the market looking for a new rooster. He finds one for very cheap and asks the owner what was wrong with it. "This rooster fucks everything and i cant get him to stop, please take him" said the man. So the farmer takes the rooster home and puts him in his cage. That night he heard h...

Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were wor...

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One crazy irish hunting trip

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pic...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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I can't come in today. I'm sick.

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He...

The new bull

Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.
The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

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Does my thai girlfriend have a dick

Something inside me is telling me yes

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