TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

TIL The founder of r/jokes is dead

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

TIL Albert Einstein really existed

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

TIL a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples is a...

guyneckologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL about a man caught having sex inside a dead whale.

I am so sorry for your loss... I didn't know your mom passed away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

TIL that there's no living cats on Mars.

Must be true what they say about Curiosity.

TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France

Nice

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat.

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

Please don't ban me.

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

TIL: Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in yo' jeans.

TIL there's one country that still doesn't use ANY form of electronic money transfer.

It's the Cheque Republic

TIL that the wife of one of the members of the band Chumbawumba had to take a brief hiatus from her breakdancing job while she was pregnant and nursing.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

TIL: of mathematician Katherine Johnson who died at 101 years old

She was in her prime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

‌‌TIL i‌‌n 1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL That a Blue Whales Anus Can Stretch to 40 Inches...

This makes it the second biggest asshole on earth, right behind Mitch McConnell.

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

TIL that Tibetan leaders can issue special forgiveness to buxom country music singers

It's known as the Dalai Pardon

My wife went to work and left her phone at home.

I found it on the kitchen table.

I tried to call and tell her, but she didn’t answer.

What’s worse is someone kept calling.

Wait ‘til I find out who Honey is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Take these antidepressants, they’ll make everything give you as much pleasure as sex does

And it’s true!

I still don’t get pleasure from anything but now I don’t from sex as well

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.

Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.

TIL: Where does the word "politics" come from.

From poly, Greek for many, and tics, English for pesky parasites.

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

TIL that 50% of Roger Federer's...

...name is "er"

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm

Sir Cum Sized

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Some people say: Fake it 'til you Make it!

None of them are bomb technicians.

TIL that the leaning tower of Pisa collapsed after 848 years.

After an official investigation it was discovered not enough tourists have been holding it up since the start of the pandemic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

Doors.

Don't try 'em til you knock 'em.

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL My wife's on r/wallstreetbets

That's what she meant by saying she likes to fuck hegde fund managers, right?

TIL that in most video games it's better to lose your health during the summer and winter seasons

Because that way you don't have to worry about Fall damage

TIL: Orlando Bloom was only paid $175,000 (USD) for his role as Legolas in the LOTR trilogy.

One might say he was definitely not an Elf made millionaire.

TIL that sugar is the only word starting with “S” that’s pronounced “Sh”. At least, I’m pretty sure.

Total repost, just thought it was funny and people should see it again.

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol ot of the high cshools.

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL that Little Miss Muffet is a Mandalorian

This is the Whey

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

TIL just like hi is the short form of hello...

I do is just a short form of
I am doomed

Takes under a decade of marriage to learn this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL That the Japanese Actually Have a Word for Cartoon Chicken Sex...

It's called Hen-tai.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

TIL that Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suffered from a debilitating bowel condition that would often result in him soiling himself unexpectedly.

However, it was impossible for him to tell when he had had an accident, and lived in a perpetual state of both being soiled and unsoiled simultaneously.

This became known as Schrodinger's Scat.

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

TIL that Jules Verne did not write Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea

He wrote at a desk like a sensible person would.

TIL gluten comes from Alabama

Yea, it's always inbread

Women only call me ugly til they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me ugly and poor.

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

TIL that Jane Goodall had a degree in business.

Monkey Business.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell ...

TIL that the most fertile land for growing tea

Is located in Chai land

Told to me by a six year old.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!


I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that they would grant them one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN reporter said "well I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with fries."

The leader nodded to an underling, who then returned with a burger and fries. The repo...

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

TIL that people who've crashed a train before are impervious to being struck by lightning.

Because they're bad conductors.

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

TIL Damien Marley has a guitar he plays at live shows that was passed down to him from his father Bob

Now that's what I call an heir guitar!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that it is illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

They throw you out of Farmfoods as well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

TIL: If you pull down on both your earlobes at the same time it makes it impossible to smile.

Made you smile! :)

TIL Korean singers never say, "Yes daddy!"

They say, "K pops!"

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

TIL the agricultural etymology of the word bingo.

There was a farmer who had a dog.

TIL a white tail deer can jump higher than a standard house.

A white tail deer with their powerful hind legs can jump 8 - 12 feet high whereas a standard house can't jump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Hell is just Heaven’s Sewer System

Holy Shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[TIL] Almost 99% of the world do not have 20/20 vision.

Cause we obviously didnt see this fucking year coming.

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

TIL: Historically, eunuchs have been really wealthy and politically powerful.

It’s part of their compensation package.

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

TIL Helen Keller has a waterfall named after her, to celebrate her story of learning about water.

It's named Helen Keller Falls

TIL if your wife asks you if you know where the broom is...

... it's not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.

TIL They don't have Ikea stores in the USSR.

Instead, they have OURkea.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest...

When asked how he feels, he said "I'm gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!"

TIL about a new Fantastic Beasts book where Newt sets out on a British navy ship to catalogue magic beasts in the South Pacific

It’s called Master and Scamander

TIL amputation surgery is really expensive

it costs an arm and a leg

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

A father and his two sons were talking in the kitchen

The younger son turns this dad and asks. "Dad, whats a vajayjay."

"That's, just a another name for a woman's body part."

"Like their arms?"

"Yeah, like their arms."

When the young boy walks out of the room the older son looked at his dad and said " Dad thats too far, mom'...

TIL that for writing your last wishes you need to hire a lawyer and that it can easily become quite expensive.

What happened to free will?

TIL Kim Jong-un has read every book ever written and that's why he's known as...

...The Supreme Reader.

TIL England doesn't have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

TIL: America has more museums than McDonald's

McDonald's only has a few museums

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

TIL that the toilet seat was invented by the polish people and only after 5 years the American perfected it by adding the hole in the middle.

A rough translation of a jk my dad told me

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

TIL that a school bus can only jump over 14 students at a time.

Unrelatedly, I’ve been fired from my job as a bus driver.

TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a topless women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Two girls, one cup is only the trailer for a full length movie

That shit goes on much longer

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.