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Til Jokes

TIL that 50% of Roger Federer's......

....name is "er"

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

TIL England doesn't have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country

It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

TIL in France, marijuana is called...

Oui'd

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export…

…And import.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

TIL: Scientists have discovered that tuna ages about five times quicker than humans.

That’s because..tuna half hours equal 150 minutes.

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TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?

I was breastfed til 3

But, that’s enough about my day, how was yours?

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

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TIL Lego porn exists

It didn't click for me.

TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

TIL The founder of r/jokes is dead

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

TIL: The vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides.

His original instructions were as follows: "Euclipides nuts."

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TIL you can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in water

Sinks - girl ant
Floats - boy ant

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

TIL The Kremlin IT department exclusively uses Linux.

Turns out everyone in the Kremlin has problems with Windows.

TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

TIL Atheism....

...is a non-prophet organization

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

TIL that black eyes are hereditary

You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.

TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

TIL while it's illegal to smoke marijuana in Sudan...

you can still get stoned

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

TIL most archaeologists are women

Due to their natural ability to dig up the past

TIL About the ancient Greek hero Boephades

Like Achilles, he was invulnerable except for one part of his body. Except instead of his ankle, it was his groin.

You've heard of Achilles heel, but did you know about

Boephades nuts?

TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.

So they can Scan da navy in

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Charles Dickens first published A Tale of Two Cities in two English local newspapers:

.
.
.
.
.
It was the Bicester Times. It was the Worcester Times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

TIL what "propaganda" means

It's British for "a really good look at something"

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

15 sleeps til Christmas...

4 if you do meth.

TIL

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.



But how did they get this name?..



Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...



Every so often they could be seen jumping...

TIL that all podiatrists on Germany went out of business after WWII

everyone was defeated

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

TIL a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples is a...

guyneckologist

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TIL lions perform oral sex on each other.

Talk about swallowing your pride.

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

TIL the Pope is elected by the Cardinals.

You'd think the Angels would do something like that for Mike Trout.

TIL the movie Starship Troopers was never adapted into a successful video game because...

...bugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

TIL New Zealand invented the first condom, using a sheep’s intestine

However, it was Australia who were the first to take it out of the sheep beforehand

TIL: Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in yo' jeans.

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

A loan til next pay day.

A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. "Man, the holidays were rough. Is there any chance you can loan me $10 until next pay day?" he asks the bartender. "Sure, Bob," the bartender replies and hands him a 10 spot. "When's next payday?" "I don't know," the guy replies. "You're the one with...

TIL if your wife asks you if you know where the broom is...

... it's not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
<...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

TIL the only year the "Buffalo Nickel" was minted was in 1976 for America's...

...bison-tennial

TIL that Drax recently discovered a new superpower… The ability to speak to others telepathically.

“Now”, he says… “I just have to figure out how to hear them back.”

TIL

Abortion doctors are also called spawn campers

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TIL Vietnam’s national currency is the Dong.

I mean I’ve heard of shit costing an arm and a leg but that just seems cruel.

TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound!

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great ga...

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

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So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

TIL that there's no living cats on Mars.

Must be true what they say about Curiosity.

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France

Nice

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

TIL if you flip over a canoe, you can wear it.

It's "cap"-sized

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.

I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.

TIL chimneys can be used as conjunctions

They may introduce a clause

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that ejaculation happens at 27mph

No wonder I got arrested for doing it in a schoolzone...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

TIL: Where does the word "politics" come from.

From poly, Greek for many, and tics, English for pesky parasites.

TIL there's a scientific term for aquatic mammals losing their fur through evolution

It's called Whale Pattern Baldness.

TIL, Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the Bell....

Thankfully, his brother Richard reported sick that day .

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