UPJOKE
learneruditetilluntillearstudyscholarlybeforecuriosityenlightenmenteducationdenknowledgeloreeve

TIL that 50% of Roger Federer's......

....name is "er"

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

TIL that my Grandfather actually warned people that the Titanic was going to sink…

Despite his constant attempts, unfortunately nobody listened, and he ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre

TIL: A fly will drink so much vodka it can hardly stand, but a bee will only take a little sip.

Just enough to get buzzed.

TIL, Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the Bell....

Thankfully, his brother Richard reported sick that day .

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

I was breastfed til 3

But, that’s enough about my day, how was yours?

TIL that if you press and hold 0 on your keyboard it turn into degree (°)

As both have no values.

TIL About the ancient Greek hero Boephades

Like Achilles, he was invulnerable except for one part of his body. Except instead of his ankle, it was his groin.

You've heard of Achilles heel, but did you know about

Boephades nuts?

TIL most archaeologists are women

Due to their natural ability to dig up the past

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL: A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

TIL the Pope is elected by the Cardinals.

You'd think the Angels would do something like that for Mike Trout.

‌‌TIL i‌‌n 1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy.

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I always thought he was a theoretical physicist.

TIL in France, marijuana is called...

Oui'd

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

TIL there's a scientific term for aquatic mammals losing their fur through evolution

It's called Whale Pattern Baldness.

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

TIL if you flip over a canoe, you can wear it.

It's "cap"-sized

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
<...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

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TIL hamsters can die during sex.

I'm also banned from the pet store.

TIL that Pavlov had really good hair. Why?

...Conditioning.

TIL The founder of r/jokes is dead

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

Healing hearing

Leroy walks into a bar and finds the preacher there offering to pray for anyone. Leroy gets in line, and the preacher asks: "What can I do for you?" He replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and prays with all his might. Finally,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

TIL what "propaganda" means

It's British for "a really good look at something"

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TIL Vietnam’s national currency is the Dong.

I mean I’ve heard of shit costing an arm and a leg but that just seems cruel.

TIL That Elbillug is the only word that is pronounced the same forward and backward.

Well, that and Rekcus.

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

A loan til next pay day.

A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. "Man, the holidays were rough. Is there any chance you can loan me $10 until next pay day?" he asks the bartender. "Sure, Bob," the bartender replies and hands him a 10 spot. "When's next payday?" "I don't know," the guy replies. "You're the one with...

TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals “reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."

I feel so smart knowing about this.

TIL a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples is a...

guyneckologist

15 sleeps til Christmas...

4 if you do meth.

I accidentally handed my wife glue stick instead of chap stick last week.

She still isn’t talking to me.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France

Nice

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat.

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

Please don't ban me.

TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.

I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL That a Blue Whales Anus Can Stretch to 40 Inches...

This makes it the second biggest asshole on earth, right behind Mitch McConnell.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

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Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

TIL that there's no living cats on Mars.

Must be true what they say about Curiosity.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long one, and ya gotta act like it’s true til the end when telling it but when it works the payout is great.

So ya bring it up casually, as if it’s not a joke. To people like work crowd that doesn’t know your personal history. Again, sorry so long but here goes - -
U guys don’t know this but I was engaged before I met my wife. I was 18. Her name was Mary, she was a nurse. We’d been dating a few yrs &a...

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

TIL there's one country that still doesn't use ANY form of electronic money transfer.

It's the Cheque Republic

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

TIL: Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in yo' jeans.

TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

Widow dies and goes to Heaven

After the usual check in orientation, she looks up her husband and goes to the cloud he usually hang out at

After sometime wondering she finally finds him and says: “my darling! I have missed you so much! heaven is now for us to enjoy for all ete...”

The Husband then interrupts and say...

TIL that the wife of one of the members of the band Chumbawumba had to take a brief hiatus from her breakdancing job while she was pregnant and nursing.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

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TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

TIL: Where does the word "politics" come from.

From poly, Greek for many, and tics, English for pesky parasites.

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.

He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.

When they finished the Precher asked how’s my hearing?

I said idk it isn’t til next week.

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.

Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

Women only call me ugly til they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me ugly and poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

TIL that Tibetan leaders can issue special forgiveness to buxom country music singers

It's known as the Dalai Pardon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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