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I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly

Better be the last time I see one of those bastards on my rommate’s toothbrush

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

Melania Trumps RNC speech just leaked on live TV

It was read aloud by Michelle Obama.

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A man is taking a leak in a bar

When another man enters the bathroom to use the urinal next to him. While scanning through the corners of his eyes, the man notices the other one takes off a condom before urinating. He can't help his curiosity.



\- "Hey man, no homo but... is that a condom you were wearing?"

\-...

What do you call a religious Russian hacker that leaks your private information?

Orthodoxxer.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

What's the difference between my corolla and my wife?

It leaks when I go under....

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"

Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"

Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or havi...

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

Wife hears a knock on the door...it’s the police:

Police: We regret to inform you your husband died today. It was a work accident.

Wife: Noooo! (Starts crying) whyyyyyy! Please tell me how!!

Police: unfortunately he tripped and drowned at the beer tank of the beer factory were he worked.

Wife: oh my godddd!! What a painful deat...

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A woman asks her husband...

Can you take care of the leaky faucet?

“What do I look like a plumber?” He yells

Well can you fix the leaky roof?

“What do I look like a roofer?” He yells

The leaves in the yard are all over the place...

“Do I look like a gardener to you!?” He slams the door and le...

What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.

David Lynch's car leaked coolant. He pulled over to check it.

There was a lady in the radiator.

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WW Franchise Leaked

World War I

World War II

World War 3

World War 2x2

World War Origins: The Seven Years War

World War U

WW What If: Cuban Crisis

World War for Oculus VR

World War Short Stories

Hitler Returns: World War II

World War Christmas: The M...

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My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

A skydiver jumps out of a plane and soon discovers his chute won't open.

As he's plummeting to his death, he sees a man rocketing up toward him from the ground.

As the two men pass each other, the skydiver shouts, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

The man says, "No. Do you know anything about gas leaks?"

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Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

Johnson's plan for Brexit in January leaked:

He'll be on vacation in France.

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

A man is dying. He goes to his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

Terrified he won't have any money in the afterlife, he leaves each of them $10,000 in cash on the solemn promise they'll put the money in his coffin when he dies.

Afterward, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer wind up in the same limo together.

After an awkward silence, the priest sa...

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Two friends are out hiking...

Bob and Larry are out hiking when Bob has to take a leak. He unzips and starts peeing against a tree when a snake bites him right on the penis. He's affected immediately and starts convulsing in pain.

Larry calls 911 and says, "Help me! My best friend in the whole world just got bitten by a s...

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I clicked on a link for a naked Trump leak.

Turned out it was just fake nudes.

NY Plumber

A lady in NY had a parrot and all it could say was “Who is it?” On day her house plumbing started to leak so she called a plumber and scheduled a service call. At the scheduled time for the plumber she got called away for an emergency. When the plumber arrived, he was an older man, he knocked on t...

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

I took a leak next to a psychologist and I didn't hear a thing.

His P was silent.

Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak....

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and

said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is!...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Laughing gas got leaked in a room.....

Laughing gas got leaked in a room. Man, it was a funny smell..

A little boy peed himself in his sleep and wanted to keep it a secret

Later in a conversation, he accidentally leaked to someone.

How can Donald Trump stop embarrassing leaks?

Depends.

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So a an America college kid goes to Dublin for spring break.

And he’s out at the pubs, just getting shitfaced.
He goes back to the bathroom to take a leak, and this little guy goes up to the stall next to him. Guys got red hair, a red beard, wearing a green suit with a vest, jacket, whole thing. College dude is staring, so he sees this little guy whip out...

I can stop any pipe from leaking

Just by giving it a tap

The synopsis for Toy Story 4 has leaked.

This time it focuses on Andy's mother's toys, also named Buzz and Woody.

There is a lawyer in a 3000$ suit

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is a obviously very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.

The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he fin...

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

We...

I can usually hit the toilet when I take a leak standing up...

But when I’ve been drinking, it’s sit or miss.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

Who's your true friend?

A doctor always secretly wishes you fall sick.

A lawyer secretly wishes you screw up and end up in legal trouble.

A plumber secretly wishes you have a leaking faucet.

An electrician secretly wishes that you have a trip circuit.


ONLY A THIEF, secretly wishes and prays ...

The president, a business man, and a national security leak walk into a bar...

... and order a drink. The bartender pours one beer and says, "Here you go, Mr Trump."

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Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

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I was working on sealing a leak in a crack in my foundation when a friend told me I should look for one at the sex shop...

...At first I was skeptical but I gave it a try and I must say, I was quite disappointed because it was everything but plugs.

Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years.

Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app.

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or “crying” as she calls it.

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One day Donald Trump's nudes will leak...

And he'll do a press conference where he will announce: FAKE NUUUUDES

I called my repairman to complain about a faulty icemaker that had been leaking ...

When he came back out to the house, he discovered it was just some ice that had fallen and melted on the floor. I offered my apologies for the mistake. The repairman told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, it was water under the fridge.

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

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To propose to his girlfriend Wendy, Bill tattooed her name on his...

Penis. Unfortunately, when he was soft, only the 'W' and 'Y' were visible. Nonetheless, the proposal went well when he whipped it out for her, and Wendy accepted happily.

Not long after the proposal, they married and went on a Jamaican honeymoon. At the airport, Bill had to stop and take ...

New leaks reveal that George Washington didn't cut down that cherry tree

it was actually brought down by Russian hackers

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CNN ran a story about leaked pictures of Donald Trump's penis.

But it turned out to be fake nudes.

Newly leaked documents from the Whitehouse show the results of Donald Trumps IQ test.

It came back negative.

Why was the former CIA agent who leaked classified documents not able to leave Russia during the blizzard?

Because he was Snowden.

Donald Trump dropped out of plumbing school

He couldn't fix a leak.

All these celeb photos leaks...

I can't believe it's fappening again.

Stopping the leaks

A urologist in London had a leak in his bathroom on a Sunday. He called a plumber who charged him a £50 call out fee plus another £100 for fixing the problem in 15 minutes.
The urologist was shocked and said to the plumber - I am a Urologist and I fix human water works and I don't get paid this ...

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers

I'm in a hotel room and call down to the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in the sink..."

The guy answers, "Go ahead, the customer's always right..."

- H. Youngman

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak?

Because their entire species is extinct.

Kool-Aid Man runs a 5k with a leak...

Punch line ensues.

The Galaxy Note 8 leaks have been released online

It reveals that this time the phone will come with a "Detonate Now" app.

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About the issue of celebrities getting their nudes leaked...

On one hand, I fell really bad for them as that's their reputation on the line and possibly their career.

On the other hand however, well, that hand was busy.

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My friend was having a party, and rented some festive porta-potties.

They started leaking and smelled, so everyone had to leave. The party poopers became the party poopers.

A man goes hiking

He brings with him a backpack with a water pouch for easy hydration and, as a back-up, a metal straw that had a filter so he could drink from any body of water he wanted.


After a couple of hours he realizes that he is already out of water. Being the conservative drinker he was, he figured...

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to chec...

The name of the famous magician that got too handsy with his assistants has been leaked.

David Cop-a-feel.

My mechanic thinks i'm in denial over my brake fluid leak.

But he's wrong; I can stop any time i want.

*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?

They're both snowed in.

What do you call 4 Mexicans in a boat with a terrible leak?

Cuatro sinko

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

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A catholic all boys school went on a trip...

A catholic all boys school was going on a trip to Hawaii. They are on the plane when the pilot says on the radio “Father, can you come up to the cockpit really quick”. So the priest gets up and makes his way over to the pilot. When he gets to him the pilot says “Father, we have a big problem, there ...

Called the front desk of our motel and told him "I've gotta leak in the sink."

He said "That's OK, just rinse it out when you're done."

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.



One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says,"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking,could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work...

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A man was taking a leak and got stung on his penis.

It swelled up three time the normal size. He rushes into a drug store and shows the lady at the counter. "What can you give me for this?" he asks.

"Wait right here." she says and runs into the back room. She comes back a couple minutes later and says, "The boss said that she'll give you all ...

Jared Fogle of Subway told his wife she didn't have to worry about the Ashley Madison leaks...

...he was on Club Penguin.

I walked out of the restroom and the plumber asked me

"How bad is the leak?"

"I mean it did burn a little. I think I'll have to get it checked out"

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So a white man is taking a leak in a bar bathroom..

when a black man walks up to the urinal beside him and drops his trousers. Curious, the white man peaks down towards the black mans waist and exclaims "Holy hell! That's the biggest pecker I've ever seen! How do I get one like that?".
The black man chuckles and thinks for a moment and says: "Well...

I saw leaked footage of Finding Dory yesterday

Bruce the shark is now called Caitlyn.

Why did the boat know it had a leak?

That sinking feeling...

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2 cowboys are riding through the desert

2 cowboys are riding through the desert, they get off their horses to take a leak. As they’re pissing one of them gets bit by a rattlesnake square on his ass.

“Oh shit!! Bobby, Bobby you have to ride back into town and fetch the doc!”

“Ok Leroy! I’ll go as fast as I can, hang on!!”...

What is a pirates least favorite vegetable

Leaks

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So there's this guy, let's call him Paul Yankee.

So Paul Yankee had been dating this girl Wendy Norris for a few years, so he finally proposed and she said yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and they are the happiest people to ever exist. Mr Paul Yankee and Mrs Wendy Yankee decided to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. As a surprise for his ...

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

I was relieved when I stopped at a tire service store

It really is the best place to take a leak.

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What does my asshole and my Toyota have in common?

They're both leaking tranny fluid.

It's leaked that Caitlyn Jenner is winning the "woman of the year" award.

Oh so now they're implying that men are better at being women than women are.

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