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Leak Jokes

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me
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Theres a guy at the urinal having a leak. A black guy rushes in to the urinal beside him.

He looks over and says to the guy beside him "Wow, I just made it."

The other guy looks down at the black guy and says to him "Can you make me one in white?"
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A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the f...

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

Leaked NASA documents show the Moon landing was done in a Studio.

On the moon.
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I clicked on a link for a naked Trump leak.

Turned out it was just fake nudes.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

A newly-wed couple moves into their new house

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, a plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new...
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What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.
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All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …
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H. Clinton and D. Trump are In a boat and the boat sprung a leak. Who is saved?

The world
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Little Johnny took a leak with his classmate in the school loo.

His classmate noticed that after peeing, Johnny didn't wash his hands. He then proceeded to ask:

"Johnny, why do you not wash your hands after peeing?"

"Is there a need to do so?"

"Yes! My mum taught me to wash after peeing, to wash off pee in my hands."

"Well, I ...
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Bubba and Roy were hiking through the forest when Roy suddenly had the urge to take a leak.

He unzips his pants and by the time a good stream started, a rattlesnake popped up out of the grass and bit Roy right on the head of his pecker.

Roy stumbled away and screamed for Bubba, who came running over. Roy quickly explained what had happened and the shocked Bubba grabbed his phone and...
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So there was an N2O leak in the dentist's office....

I had to hold the urge to not say "What's that funny smell?"
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A man is taking a leak in a bar

When another man enters the bathroom to use the urinal next to him. While scanning through the corners of his eyes, the man notices the other one takes off a condom before urinating. He can't help his curiosity.



\- "Hey man, no homo but... is that a condom you were wearing?"

\-...

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon’s house.

After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, “I don’t even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon.” The plumber replied, “I agree. You are right! I too, didn’t either, when I was a surgeon. That’s why I switched to plumbing.
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I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly

Better be the last time I see one of those bastards on my rommate’s toothbrush

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The EA leak showed that the FIFA source code is like sex with your SO

Different wrapper, same package

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...
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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

How can Donald Trump stop embarrassing leaks?

Depends.
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One day Donald Trump's nudes will leak...

And he'll do a press conference where he will announce: FAKE NUUUUDES

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"

Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"

Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or havi...
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Melania Trumps RNC speech just leaked on live TV

It was read aloud by Michelle Obama.
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Kool-Aid Man runs a 5k with a leak...

Punch line ensues.
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Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."
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A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to chec...
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Johnson's plan for Brexit in January leaked:

He'll be on vacation in France.
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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or “crying” as she calls it.
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I can usually hit the toilet when I take a leak standing up...

But when I’ve been drinking, it’s sit or miss.
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Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.
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As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.
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The president, a business man, and a national security leak walk into a bar...

... and order a drink. The bartender pours one beer and says, "Here you go, Mr Trump."
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David Lynch's car leaked coolant. He pulled over to check it.

There was a lady in the radiator.
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Stopping the leaks

A urologist in London had a leak in his bathroom on a Sunday. He called a plumber who charged him a £50 call out fee plus another £100 for fixing the problem in 15 minutes.
The urologist was shocked and said to the plumber - I am a Urologist and I fix human water works and I don't get paid this ...
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Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.
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Why did the boat know it had a leak?

That sinking feeling...
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Laughing gas got leaked in a room.....

Laughing gas got leaked in a room. Man, it was a funny smell..
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I can stop any pipe from leaking

Just by giving it a tap
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Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...
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