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Eject Jokes

Jobs Wanted: Ejection seat tester required.

Small amount of travelling required.

I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.

Yesterday I went to a costume party as a premature ejection

I just came in my pants

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What do you call it when a pilot hits the eject button as he's going down the runway?

Premature ejectulation

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My mates Battlefield Galactica CD won't eject from my 320 GB duel processor PlayStation 4... NSFW

Okay now that all the women have skipped this post does anyone know any good porn websites?

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What does a fighter pilot say before they cum

Eject Eject Eject!!

An astronaut was ejected from the ISS naked.

It's OK, though. He felt no pressure.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

The state of Indiana has just announced that it will begin forcibly ejecting the poor from its borders.

An official was quoted as saying, "We cannot accept their kind. Beggars can't be [Hoosiers](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoosier)."

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

That takes GUTS!

A General from the Army, Air Force, Marines and an Admiral all get together to decide which branch has the most guts.

The Army General says watch this."Private, Go stand in the middle of that shooting range while I commense a firing drill and don't move.""Yes, Sir!"replies the private as he ...

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgu...

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A state of the art fighter jet with a sentient navigation computer malfunctioned and went into a tailspin

The human pilot realized it was unrecoverable and shouted, "Computer, initiate automated ejection sequence."

After a long silence, the computer responded, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Smirking, the crafty, old-school pilot muttered, "I knew the...

When one door closes, another door opens.

You are being ejected through the air lock.

What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store?

A coronal mass ejection.

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

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In the navy

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, loo...

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him

Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this ...

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

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Tech support call.

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not in...

What’s the prerequisite for becoming a kamikaze pilot?

A fear of ejection.

What happens when you drink too much Corona?

A Coronal mass ejection.

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

There are things worse than death

A young, single, and very handsome test pilot is forced to eject from his jet. His parachute fails to open, and as he plummets to the ground he prays that somehow he will be saved.

He hears voice say, I will save you, but in return you must make the next woman you see happy for the rest of y...

A piece of string walks into a bar..

...and says to the barman "Can I have a beer and a whiskey chaser?". The barman serves the piece of string the same order, several times over the course of the evening, until eventually the piece of string becomes unruly and is ejected from the bar.
Outside, the piece of string, puts a loop into ...

Lame joke of the day.

Why did the turkey get ejected from the soccer game?

He had tripped a fan.

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Little kids turn to speak about what he learned from a relative's experience?

The little kid says, "My grandfather was flying over enemy territory during WW2 when he was hit and he had to eject from the plane. On the way down he pounds a 1/5 of whiskey. Once he landed he killed the first 20 guys he saw with his rifle. He proceeded to kill another 12 with his pistol, 5 more of...

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

A man was driving a sports car

He had just bought it and suddenly he ran out of gas. So he walked to the nearest house and asked the owner if he could have some gas. The owner said yes and after he had the tank full he said ‘it’s getting late I have an extra room if you want to spend the night’. The man was uneasy but accepted be...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

3 doctors boasting...

3 doctors are sitting down with a drink boasting about their exploits. The first doctor says: "I once I got a guy who had an accident in the shop. The whole arm ripped off. I sewed everything back tight. The guy was stronger than ever. He now pitches in the Major League."

Not to be out...

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

Four Aliens

The are four aliens passing by our solar system. The don’t know a word of English. Their spaceship malfunctions and they manage to eject the escape pods before they crash land on Earth. Each alien lands in a different spot on the planet. They each decide they might as well try to learn some English ...

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Rude parrot on an airliner

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minut...

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Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
...

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