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Blackjack Jokes

In Blackjack, why do they call "17" the mother in law?

Why?


'Cause sometimes u wanna hit it but u can't

-kevin hart-

Girls are like blackjack…

I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

I used to practice blackjack by using my bedroom wall as an opponent

I stopped when I realised the house always wins

Hiring out of work Blackjack dealers to count ballots in Nevada was not a good idea.

They count up to 22, reshuffle the stack, and start over.

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

Which company NEVER loses at blackjack?

Forever 21.

You know why I love blackjack?

because I can hit on 13

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I've just opened a casino for dogs. They can play roulette, poker and blackjack all under one roof! However...

...they have to go outside for craps.

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Why are pedophiles terrible Blackjack players?

They don't hit on anything over 14.

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

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What's the difference between a man praying in a church and a man praying at a blackjack table?

The motherfucker at the blackjack table means it.

My first day at the casino I was late for work, my boss yelled at me, and they put me at a Blackjack table with no cards.

I looked at all the players and said "I can't deal with this. "

While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."

We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.

For example:

"Every girl here is ugly"

"Well, what about her? "

"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"

What do Dating & Blackjack Have In Common?

I always hit on a soft twelve.

What did the yoga instructor say when the blackjack dealer asked him if he wanted another card?

Namaste

Why wouldn’t R. Kelly make a good blackjack dealer?

He hits on 17

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George hears the voice of God

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies. So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "head into this casino and play blackjack." George does. After playing a...

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Blackjack

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.”

He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”

After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says “Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. ...

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Guy dies and goes to Heaven and God grants him a final wish. He tells God, "I've never won in Vegas." God winks and says, "Okay! Let's go." And God snaps his fingers and - poof! - God and the guy are at a blackjack table at Bellagio Casino on the Strip.

God gives the guy $100,000 in chips and says, "Bet it all." The guy shrugs and puts up all the chips and the dealer deals him an 19 - against the dealer's 6. God says, "Take a card." The guy says, "Hit a 19 against a bad hand?"

Gods insists. "Take a card." The dealer deals him a 2. The guy sa...

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What's the difference...

Q: What's the difference between a blackjack dealer and a proctologist?

A: A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time.

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

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A young seminarian gets a tour of the church…

The priest touring him goes to the first room and says, “on Mondays, this is where we drink and smoke cigars.” The young seminarian replies “oh no father, I don’t drink”. The priest shrugs it off and then shows him the next room, “this is where we play poker and blackjack on Tuesdays” the seminarian...

I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush

I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

Hear about the man who needed to use his fingers and toes to count to 20?

He was thrown out of the casino when he pulled his pants down while playing blackjack

Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer

Because they hit on anything under 17.

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My favorite joke. So John owns a hardware store...

...and business is doing well. One day, as he is standing around keeping shop, he hears a booming voice from the heavens: JOHN, SELL YOUR HARDWARE STORE.

John looks around and nobody else is reacting. Nobody else heard it. So he decides to act as if nothing happened, and just hope he is not ...

I took my masochistic girlfriend to the casino, but she lost all my money.

She kept screaming “Hit me!” at the blackjack table.

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A Story About Joe

There was this man, let's call him Joe. Joe was a religious man, he was the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, and he had a very nice house. One day, as he was heading to work, he heard a voice boom down from the heavens.

"JOE," the voice proclaimed.

"God? Is that you?" Joe aske...

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

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There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."

He says, "What?"

"John. Sell your shop."

John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vega...

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

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David and the voice.

David was working in his shoe shop one day when he heard a voice whisper out to him, "Sell your shop".

He ignored it contributing it to the old building. The next week he heard it again. "Sell your shop," the voice whispered. He continued to ignore it until the voice was speaking to him every...

A $20 bill and a $1 bill meet in a bank.

The $1 bill asks, "You look well traveled, where have you been since you were printed?"


"Oh, I've been all over the place. I spent some time in Vegas hitting the blackjack tables and buying expensive drinks, then I traveled through Southern California visiting the fanciest restaurants I c...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Alanis sets out to Vegas on her annual gambling trip.

On arrival, she heads straight to her usual Blackjack table, where she's greeted by the croupier, "Welcome back Mrs. Terr. The usual loan, I assume?"

She nods and he hands her $10,000 in chips.

After an hour, she's down to $20.

The croupier asks, "Same again, Mrs. Terr?", she n...

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A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God.

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God one night after losing almost everything he had at the casino.

"God what have I done to deserve this, my wife left me, I've lost my job, I don't know what to do please help me." he says.

God suddenly appears in front of him and says "So...

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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

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A man is at the Casino...

A man is sitting at a blackjack table. He's not doing very well, and is about to get up and walk away, when he hears God, 'play again'. The man sits back down and plays another hand. He's dealt 20, and God says 'Hit'. The man, nervously says 'h-hit please'. He's dealt an Ace and wins. He is dealt ag...

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A successful businessman is sitting in his office...

when suddenly he hears the voice of God.

"Charlie, you need to sell your business. Sell it for $1 million dollars."

Charlie is astounded, "But why, I'm doing so well!"

"Charlie, do as I say!"

Charlie doesn't want to argue with God, so he does what he is told, and within a...

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A man hears a voice from above...

The voice commands: "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man is understandably hesitant, but the voice is insistent. "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man finally gives in and sells his fairly successful business to the tune of 3 million dollars. Soon after, he hears the voice again.

"NOW, SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY...

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