Companion Jokes - 113 Hilarious Companion Jokes

Would anyone be interested in being my companion?

Asking for a friend

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

Adam's companion.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, s...

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number.

If my wife answers, just hang-up

A traveling companion.

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and orders, "I'll have a pint, please. And one for the road."

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𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲

There were two statues standing in the park.

One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells the...

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Southern Charm

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether ...

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses pa...

I might not be the most companionable, engrossing and perspicacious person.

But at least I know long words.

Who is the chess player's dream companion?

A *Czech Mate*

Horses make the best companions

Because they have stable relationships.

God creates Adam

God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, w...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."

"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"

"For you, it wi...

Adam and God

Adam was walking through the garden of Eden, observing all the many animals God had created. He noticed that every creature had a companion, a perfect match, except for himself. Feeling lonely he finally decided to talk to God:

\- Lord, I see that you have created a companion for every creatu...

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Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening:

"Dear Wife,

You have been a wonderful companion to me all these years. I can't believe that both of us are already 60! Time sure has flown by!

However, I am writing this letter to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I have a few needs that you have been unable to sa...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

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A lonely old woman goes to a pet store to find a companion...

A lonely old woman goes to the pet store with the hopes of finding a pet to keep her company.

 

The store owner says "I have just the thing for you! We have a parrot that I think would be the perfect fit. He speaks over 500 words." The old woman is elated, buys the parrot, and...

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Two drunk guys are standing atop a tall building

While opening another beer, one guy says "It's crazy how windy it is up here!"
The other answers in slurred speach "Yeah, it's because of all the tall buildings here in the city center. This building is actually a special spot. There are such strong crosswinds here that you can actually jump of...

After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine

We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years

The Boston Symphony Orchestra....

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes long, during which the double-bassists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking dumb, some of the bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern ...

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”

“Chemo, s...

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A man walks up to his friend looking sad.

“Somebody stole my thesaurus!” He groans.
“And my dictionary to boot!”

His friend put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft smile.

“How sorrowful my dear companion that such a lamentable circumstance has befallen you. I will pray that the perpetrator be swiftly a...

Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.

One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"

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A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

Talking Dog

A man driving up a rural road sees a large sign, “Free Talking Dog” Intrigued he pulls into a small farm and sees a man sitting on his porch next to a beautiful Golden Retriever. He asks the farmer, “what’s up with the talking dog sign?”
The dog interrupts and says “I will answer that. Origin...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Mr Darcy, Victor Frankenstein, and Gandalf where standing in a queue, waiting to get into a club, when ...

... an ampersand walks past them, nods to the bouncer, and is let in immediately.

Mr Darcy scoffs and turns to his companions.

"He must be some kind of special character."

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A man’s dog dies

A man’s dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.

So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a funeral mass.

The priest said my son I can’t give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!

The man replies he’s been my companion for 18 years. I saw th...

A zooaphile, a pyromaniac, a necrophiliac and a masochist are walking around..

...and they see a cow. The zooaphile says "hey guys, I'd like some time with that cow". The pyromaniac says "that's cool with me but when you're done I'm gonna set that cow on fire". The necrophiliac says "that's cool, when the fire goes out I'd like some time with that cow as well". The masochist...

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless.

The two men look at each other and shrug.

They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger.

As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless.

The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down t...

A Scotsman, an Australian and a Welshman are hanging out together on a farm...

The Scot notices a sheep that has become stuck in fence trying to squeeze in between the rails.

"I'll just be a minute, lads" says the Scot as he runs over and humps the helpless sheep.

After a good tussle, he rejoins his comrades as the Aussie pipes up:

"Well, I don't see why...

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."

It was his first day with the hook.

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”

His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

New dog

My friend told me he had a new dog so I went to see him. When I entered his house the dog greeted me in a friendly manner, wagging its tail, then it suddenly said: "The British Empire!".

I was taken aback and thought I must be hearing things, when the dog spoke again: "The Thistle! The Garte...

An English gentleman’s wife told him “If you come home drunk once more I’m leaving you”

The man went out that night and drank so much that he vomited all over himself “My goodness, I appear to have vomited all over myself” he said. “I smell of regurgitated spirits”, he said to his drinking companion, “now my wife will leave me”. “Fear not” said the drinking companion, “Just walk in wit...

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding...

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding when one of them leans over and asks the other:

“I’m confused, how many wives are we allowed to have?”

His companion mulls it over, “Sixteen… I think. *Four better, four worse, four richer, and four po...

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

Garden of Eden

So after God created Adam he spent a lot of time by himself in the garden, and became bored and lonely.

God noticed Adam seemed a little down so he asked what was wrong. Adam told him he was lonely and that he could use some company. God told Adam he could create the perfect companion for hi...

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The Swiss

Two Swiss guys decide to walk from their hotel from the train station.
30 minutes into the walk one of the guys turns around and stamps on a snail that was behind them, squishing it to death. ´What the fuck did you do that for!?´exclaimed his friend. To which his companion replied ´Well, that fu...

My 85-year-old uncle went for his regular annual check-up...

and doctor asked him how he was feeling. “Feeling great doc, just got married to a 22-year-old girl.” The doctor was somewhat amused and said, “In 15 years you’d be 100 and she 37, don’t you think could cause problems?” “Not at all doc, when a man really loves a woman he doesn’t mind if she gets old...

Trophy Girlfriend

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.

They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies...

One day Adam stood in the garden of Eden and asked

"God, what is this life without a companion to live it with?"

God looked down upon Adam and responded. "How Adam, would you like your companion to be formed?"

"God, I would like you to create for me a companion who is beautiful as a sunrise, smells like wild flowers, is as wise as an...

Adam was feeling lonely...

so God created all of the animals to be his companions.

"God," Adam said, "These animals are great and all, but none of them seem like truly great companions for me."

"Well, Adam, I think I know exactly what you need. Tonight, I will create a Woman for you."

"A Woman? What's th...

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat

They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.

Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns bla...

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

Two German explorers

Two German explorers were making their way east across New York when they came to a wide river.

Karl: How vill vee get across dee large body of vater?

The other explorer sees a large, steel object north of them.

Heinrich: Look der es und structure dat vee can use to cross
<...

Another Irish joke involving beer

While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I wa...

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Be...

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.

One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'

His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

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Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

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A truck full of chickens

A man drives with his truck through a long desert-like area.
His truck carries a load of living chickens and his only companion is his speaking parrot.

On day there is a beautiful young woman on the roadside trying to hitchhike.

He stops and asks what happend and why she is out here...

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

An American, a Dutchman and a Chinese guy

stranded on a deserted island after being shipwrecked. The American immediately takes charge and points to the Dutch: “You should take care of the wood to build a fire”. The Dutchman confirmes and disappears in the woods.

After that, he points to the Chinese: “you should take care of the supp...

A dark turn

Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.
“How do you think I feel?” asks his companion. “I have to walk back alone.”

My dad told this to me years ago

Three guys die in a car accident and are now waiting at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven. St. Peter walks up to them and says "Welcome to heaven. You have all made it to heaven however your eternal companion will be determined by your sins."

The first guy walks up and sees this really ho...

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

One day, God visits Adam as he walks through the Garden of Eden...

"My son, I've decided to end your loneliness and give you a companion. She shall be called Eve, and she will be beautiful, never age, always stay faithful, and be loyal to your every command. She will fulfill all of your desires and make you feel complete as a man."

To which Adam replies "So...

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Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...

They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.

Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

The Italian shrugs and eats the...

There's this one about two old men in the Explorer's Club...

And the elder of the two was describing his first trip to Africa on safari as a young lad.

"I rode through the jungle with the tribesmen and hunting party for days on end, and suddenly, out of the trees, came this huge tiger!"

His companion said "And what did you do, sir?"

"Well...

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.

His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'

Don't Choke!

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.' "Kin y...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar, and spend the night drinking shot after shot. After a few hours, the kangaroo passes out and slumps to the floor. The man goes to pay his tab and starts to leave. The bartender shouts “Hey! Are you just going to leave that lying there?” The man tur...

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It was the first Christmas and the first of the three wise men slowly approached the stable and gingerly crossed over the threshold into a big pile of horse crap...

Looking down at his gold slippers he let out a shriek---" Je-sus Christ!"

The woman at the manger turned to her companion and said,"Joseph,that's a better name for the kid than Irving."

I have no friend but I love my shoes

They're my sole companions.

The Generic Ethnic Joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes ...

A king goes moose hunting in the forest

He spends the entire day trudging through the snow, and as the afternoon begins to turn to evening, he hasn't seen a single animal. Then, just as the party is about to turn around, they see a peasant in the distance, gathering sticks for fuel. The king lifts his rifle and aims it at the peasant. The...

Two Hobos

Two hobos were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his nuts. One hobo says wistfully, “Gee, I wish could do that.” His companion replies, “Well, maybe you should start by petting him first.”

Onboard the Titanic...

While cruising aboard the Titanic, an engineer boasts to his dinner companions, "This ship is so seaworthy that even God can't sink her!"

Overhearing what the engineer said, God started laughing so hard that he spilled his glass of water and ice cubes went flying everywhere.

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out.

God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".

Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"

God replies,"An arm and a leg".

Adam thinks about this for a second a...

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...

... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, ...

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"

"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.

"How'd you manage th...

There's a French spy, a Russian spy, and an Italian spy...

who are assigned to work as a team. On a particular mission, they are captured, blindfolded, and are placed in a cell together.

A man tells the spies that they will be tortured until they confess everything they know.

The Frenchman is called out first. He is put on a chair, his hands t...

Why the fisherman gave up on the gorgeous girl

Two fishermen are fishing out at sea.

One day, a fisherman caught a mermaid.

Above her tail was the most gorgeous girl they had ever seen.

However, after throughly thinking things through, the fisherman decided to let her go.

His companion sent him a confused look and ask...

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

Holmes and Watson were investigating a murder at an archaeological dig-site

Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the murder victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."

"How on Earth can y...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

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While we're on nun jokes: one night, two leprechauns knocked at the door of the convent.

The Mother Superior answered and was taken quite by surprise at the sight. One leprechaun was sullen and silent, while the other seemed quite friendly. This latter asked, "please pardon our intrusion, Mother Superior, but I wish to ask you, is there a nun at your convent who is about two and a half...

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I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swe...

Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper

**Diplomacy**

Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."

Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."

Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"

...

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A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.

"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's a...

Halloween fun!

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The bartender came over to take their orders. "And what would you, eh, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his compani...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

Poor women

An elderly woman was cleaning out her attic one day. She come across an old lamp that she hadn't seen before. Start cleaning it to see what it is.
A genie pops out and says for setting me free I'm going to Grant you three wishes.
The woman thought about it for a while and said I have made my d...

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

Two blondes were driving out in the country side

One looked out the window and saw another blonde in the middle of a field sitting in a rowboat, working the oars.

She pointed her out and said, "Its idiots like that that give us all a bad name."

"You're right," said her companion, "let's go drown her."

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A guy shipwrecks on a deserted island...

And after several weeks he becomes lonely and wishes for a companion.
Lo and behold the very next day, a ship with 6 beautiful women crashes. They start to talking and decide that they will share the man. One will sleep with him each night of the week. The man gets a day off, and the cycle repeat...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

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