I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

I think my wife’s cheating on me with my best friend.

He’s been miserable lately. Poor guy.

I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with my best friend

I told her she had two minutes to get dressed and get out of my life.

Then I turned to my best friend and said, "Bad dog! Bad, bad, bad!"

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

What does a zebra call his best friends?

Zeebros.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

If you have bad credit, a trigonometrist is the best friend to have.

He can cosine for you.

What's it called when you murder your best friend?

Homiecide

Two best friends went to heaven.

At the pearly gates a saint stopped them and asked, 'Were you faithful husbands on Earth?'

The first replied, 'Yes, I've never betrayed my wife, I barely even looked at other women.'

The saint replied, 'Very good, very good. You can drive this brand new sports car! Here, take the keys!...

My best friend says I’m schizophrenic

I say he’s a hypocrite. Especially since I don’t exist

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How do you know if your best friend is gay?

If his dick tastes like shit

Karma and Irony are best friends

They go roaming the city one night looking for a place to eat.
They spot a homeless man warming his hands by a fire, and karma steals a belt lying next to him, laughing.
Irony stays behind and hands the belt back before catching up with Karma.
They then walk into a bar, and Karma says “ou...

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Sam decided to go skiing with his best friend, Dean.

They loaded up Sam's jeep with their skiing equipment and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a horrible blizzard. Slowly they arrived to a farmhouse and asked the lady of the house if they could spend the night there.

'I am recently widowed and I'm afraid my neigh...

My best friend has a hot and cold relationship

She’s dating a plumber

I just told my best friend I loved her.

She wagged her tail and licked my face.

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

After my best friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow.

Then I secretly taught it to say, "Daniel, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

Why was 38 best friends with 39?

Because 38 had 39, for tea.

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Noodle and Meat Bun were best friends.

But one day they got into a disagreement and had a fight. Noodle isnt very strong but he managed to beat up Meat Bun.

Meat Bun wasnt going to take this insult without revenge, so he went off to get some brothers, Pan Fried Bun, and Steamed Pork Bun. Together, the angry mob roamed the streets ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

The bartender, seeing only 1 guy, asks, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "Oh, he's right here." Then reaches into his pocket and pulls a 6 inch (150mm) guy out and sets...

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My two best friends own a business. They're saying they'll avoid marriage and sex if nobody buys their products.

Just wait until they celibate.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

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A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

My wife left me & ran off with my best friend. But I'm not too worried.

After all, how far can they get in a dog park?

What do you call it when a tree betrays its best friend?

Tree-son

My best friend really changed when she became a vegetarian ...

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

Dogs are truly woman's best friend

If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.
Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

My best friend with dwarfism started communicating with spirits...

My best friend with dwarfism started communicating with spirits. We were both happy for him.

He finally became a medium

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

My best friend is a proctologist

.
.
.
.
.
With friends like him, who needs enemas

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Utterly distraught, Sarah calls her best friend Carol.

"I-I w-was so convinced that my marriage with Ben was perfect, but n-n-ow I found out that he is cheating on me with another man"

"That's shocking!", Carol answers "Who is it?"

"I d-don't even know him. I only know that his name is Tom"

"Tom?"

"Y-yes, I overheard him cha...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Why is a dog man's best friend?

Because he doesn't talk.

LPT: If you get ink stains on a fancy shirt, then Alcohol is your best friend!

Ive learned that alcohol is the best way of dealing with ink stains. When I accidentally left my pens in the pockets of my new shirt during the first wash, they came out with huge blotches of ink all over.


However, after half a bottle of tequila, i couldn't see the stains anymore.
<...

My best friend is a chicken

I don't really wanna be friends with him but he sure does know a lot of chicks

A man came home from work one day and caught his best friend in the hall with his wife

They had all day to go to bed
Pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"
He said, "It could have been worse"
He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"
He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

Left my ex-wife after catching her cheating on me with her deaf best friend..

I honestly should have read all the signs

What is it called when you kill your best friends?

Homie-cide

My best friend David has his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dav

Soldier: A horse is definitely man's best friend.

His wife: I thought dogs were man's best friend.

Soldier: Ever done a hasty retreat from a losing battle on a chihuahua.

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Two best friends were walking down the street together

The first said, "Oh shit, here comes my wife and my mistress together!" and turns the other way.
"Christ, mine too," says the other.

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A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts."

She says, "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you." He replies "I would pay you $50 just to see one of them." She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw... I will give you another $50 if you show me both at the same time." She do...

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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

Jake walks in on his sister and best friend...

"Woah?" Said the brother, What's going on here?"

"Wait calm down, Micheal and I can explain..." Stated the sister.

"No, it's all good. he and I are equal now." Said Jake.

They pause for a moment.

"I don't have a sister..." Said Micheal confused.

"It could be a boy....

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

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I really want to become best friends with someone who pees on toilet seats

So one day they will invite me over and I can piss all over their toilet seats.

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

I came home to the sight of my best friend on my bed with my wife.

It really made me appreciate our friendship so much more that he went through all that trouble of digging her out of the grave, just for the sake of a threesome.

It's remarkable that he was able to do that despite being a dog.

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Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? ...

My best friend doesn’t wanna hang out with me anymore because he says I’m “behind the times.”

Wait until everyone on MySpace hears about this.

My best friend was hit with a can of soda

Good thing it was a soft drink

My best friend Mat and I were captured by wild Indians

We pleaded and begged that they let us go. They finally conceited to allow Mat to take three trials. Ahead of us were three tepees. The chief told us the first had five barrels of fire water Mat must drink. The second had a grizzly bear with a wicked tooth ache, Mat must pull it's bad tooth. The thi...

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

I love getting a call from my best friend

Scam Likely.

I set one of my best friends ringtone to Never gonna give you up so every time he calls me I get rickrolled.

I haven’t been rickrolled in 3 months.

i went to go tell my best friend about the new schizophrenia meds i got today...

i literally cannot find him anywhere.

My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was

He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that

My Best Friend Decided To Play The Tuba in Highschool

He was just really into heavy metal

The difference between a friend and a best friend..

A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body.

We threw a house party that ended badly last night, after the wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.

The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.

Two best friends meet. "I have two bad news" says one to the other...

"OK, combine them."

"Your wife is cheating on us."

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

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A farmer and his best friend go to the city trying to get laid...

They walk into a club and the farmer immediately finds a girl to chat. He takes his hat off and start sweet talking the girl.

Unimpressed, the girl tells him: "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2.000 acreage farm, 10 thousand cows and a 7 inch dick.

Her words make the farmer die ...

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My best friend and I have a lot in common, but not everything

For example,

He and his wife never fight, but I fight with my wife all the time.

He and his wife talk over dinner, but I never talk to my wife.

He and his wife never have sex, but I have sex with his wife all the time.

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John was at his best friend's party

The next day, when he wakes up at home, he is noticeably shocked. So his wife asks: "Honey, what on earth happenend yesterday that you are so silent?"
The husband answers: "Yesterday at Tony's Party, right? They had a goddamn golden toilet. can you imagine that?" His wife can't really believe th...

Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?

**Me:** I didn’t even know she was selling flowers

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The toughest biker in town and his best friend ride home to find his wife and another man having sex in the middle of the floor...

The biker pauses, a look of pure fury on his face. He steps right over his wife and the man fucking her, and goes straight to the kitchen.

His friend follows, expecting the big biker to come out with a knife. Instead the biker grabs a beer and chugs it. With a scowl he turns to his friend and...

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me.

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Me before quarantine, watching Castaway: Really... He's best friends with a ball??

**Me, during quarantine:** Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch!

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###

I couldn't believe it.


I was in tears.


I could never trust her again.


I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.


Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.


I said, "bad dog".

I am very concerned about my best friend.

I'm sure that he is having an affair with my wife.


He's been proper miserable lately.

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Best Friends

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob calls a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis" the doctor tol...

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My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today....

...now I have a hare-less pussy!

But seriously, RIP Carrots.

There were 2 best friends

They had messed up their last minute cooking plan and decided to go out for dinner. By the time they reached the restaurant, they realised that they both forget their wallets.

The first guy said "I can't really go back to my house now because I live in an apartment and the folks would be slee...

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

Me and my best friend reverse our cars everywhere together.

We go back a long way.

Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in he...

A dog might be a man's best friend,

but a cat will never tell the cops where the weed is.

A woman and her best friend go to a restaurant next to the local College for Chemistry...

...The waiter, who happened to be working his way through school at this restaurant, sauntered up to the table and asked the first lady "May I bring you something to drink?"

The first lady said "Oh, I'll just have some H2O". The waiter turns to the second lady and looks at her "And you ma'am?...

By best friend just made fun of me after I got struck by lightning and had my nervous system damaged

And I must say, it really struck a nerve with me

My best friend Emily and her girlfriend Sarah gifted me a Rolex.

Really appreciate the present but not what I meant when I said I wanna watch

A man is at his best friend's funeral

He steps up to the microphone. All fall silent. He says only "Plethora" and sits back down.

The widow pats his shoulder and says, "Thanks. That means a lot".

My best friend slept through a burglary.

He was a terrible getaway driver.

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

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Had sex with my best friend's mother on a moving elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

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My best friend was hospitalized today after shoving 12 small plastic horses in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

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A young paratrooper is recounting the story of his first jump to his best friend

I was so scared, I just couldn't do it, I was frozen. Then the instructor got in my face and started screaming at me. Finally he said "If you don't jump, I'm going to stick my dick in your ass!"

"So, did you jump?"

The soldier replied "A little... at first"

Harry Potter cant find the difference between his cooking pot from his best friend,

They're both cauldron

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I had sex with my best friends mother, sister and girlfriend all at the same time.

It wasn’t a foursome or anything, Roll Tide.

Max asks his best friend Oscar a question.

Max: "Hey Oscar, wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
Oscar: "Uh ... not really."
Max: "I guarantee it's a good one."
Oscar: "Uh ... okay."
Max: "Okay. Start it."
Oscar: "Uh ... knock-knock."
Max: "Who's there?"
Oscar: ???

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

“If I had 10$, I’d give you 5, because we are best friends, bro”

“What if you had 10 million?”
“I’d give you the whole 10$, no question.”

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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

How many of you have ever slept with your best friend?

I did. It was fun, but really awkward the next day.


I couldn't look him in the eye. Couldn't make his breakfast. Couldn't take him for walks...

It is known that dogs are man’s best friend

But isn’t his wife also his best friend?

A man locks his wife and his dog in a trunk for 3 hours.

He opens it up.

Who’s more happy to see him?

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

A man who works at the Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland goes to his best friend's house.

The friend's wife opens the door and sees the look of grief on the man's face.

"I'm sorry, there's been a terrible accident and Liam died."

"Dear God, no!!! How?!"

"He fell in a vat of beer and drowned."

"Just tell me one thing: did he suffer?"

"I don't think so. H...

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

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You know who’s still best friends after going through a lot of shit together?

Your butt cheeks.

Bill and Bob are best friends and are also baseball fans...

...they are sitting in a bar discussing if heaven has baseball. They decide to make a pact. The first to die will return and tell the other if baseball has heaven or not. Years go buy and Bob dies. Bill is walking down the road and has forgotten their pact. Suddenly Bob appears. Bill is shocked and ...

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

My best friend is a real man's man.

His boyfriend is super possessive.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...

She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

My best friend just placed an orange-flavored soda on my head

I think she has a Crush on me

My best friend accused me of sleeping with his wife...

I told him I never slept a wink with his wife!

He then said that he had heard I was banging her in the kitchen. I let him know right then and there that I wasn't banging her anywhere near the kitchen and frankly, I didn't appreciate the accusation.

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There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

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An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having sex in bed with his best friend, the local MP.

‘How could you, Miranda?’ he cried. ‘After everything I’ve done for you. I’ve given you this beautiful house, I’ve always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I’ve tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!’

Hearing ...

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

If Merman's best friend is dogfish, what's Mermaid's best friend?

Sea cucumber.

Two women who are best friends are talking.

"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"

"No."

"So, we'll be enemies then?

"No."

"What would we be then?

"Even."

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

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