UPJOKE
doublequadrupletripletrebledualnumbertwofoldquintuplemanifoldadditionproducttwo-foldfour-foldthree-foldarithmetic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nazi walks into a bar...

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar lying on the ground is a mystery, but that's what the eyewitnesses all claim happened.

Everybody said I must be an insecure, small man to try and marry multiple people.

I think they're wrong, I think it's big-o'-me!

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

Saruman's fortress has only one gate, but Sauron's realm has multiple gates

Sauron has more doors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man runs over a Chinese man with his car

A man accidentally runs over a chinese man with his car. He takes him to a nearby hospital where he barely makes it out alive but is in a coma. Riddled with guilt, the man decides to visit the chinese man everyday in the hospital. He tries to talk to him everyday hoping he'd come out of his comatose...

what do you call a lady who lost her vision multiple times but still isn't blind?

#Wanda Maximoff

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

When’s the only time you can get away with fingering a minor with multiple witnesses?

When you’re playing guitar

Why does the rebel alliance need multiple intergalactic smugglers to change their lightbulbs?

Many Hans make light work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

A pizza got cheated on multiple times

Now it has crust issues.

My dog takes multiple medecines every day.

You could say he's a bit of a pill-pupper.

What do you call someone who plays in multiple bands?

PolyJAMorous!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

Locked out of the house.

I stepped out to feed the cat at 5am while everyone was still fast asleep. The door shut and locked me outside. I tried calling the wife multiple times with no answer. I tried taping on her window, banging on her window, tapping on my sons window, banging on his window, and lastly the doorbell. This...

I'm having a hard time stopping my musician ex from entering my house despite changing the locks multiple times...

I guess they were always better at key changes than me.

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

So a man becomes sick with a disease that causes him to turn multiple colors, and fall asleep for an indefinite amount of time.

His family takes him to a hospital after he has not woken up after a few days, with the hospital being absolutely confused on what condition this man is in. One day one of the head doctors come in to update the family on the unconscious, rainbow man's condition.

"Doctor, do you have any news ...

A warehouse manager was sent to HR for disciplinary action, but he swore he was innocent

"I ain't done nothing! They after me for 'cultural insensitivity,' and I haven't done nothing!"

The HR lady frowned. "Multiple witnesses overheard your insensitive words, but please explain your side of the story."

"In the warehouse forklift drivers are assigned to use the outward lane...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

What do you call a man with multiple noses?

No one nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

What do you call instructions on how to assemble multiple Ikea products into a single unit?

A Svenn Diagram

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

Recently my rug got destroyed due to multiple explosions.

I guess you could call it a carpet bombing.

A Glasgow woman has reported terrifying multiple sightings of a puma in her local park

Similar events were reported in England, as when the nightclubs reopened, people saw a huge number of prowling cougars.

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

Do you reckon I've got multiple personality disorder?

I'm in two minds, myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

There was a multiple choice history quiz about the states of America.

I went through questions like “Which state is known for fudge?” The answer was A: Michigan. I went through those questions and I got to question 10.

Which state’s capital is Nashville?
A: New York
B: Alabama
C: Tennessee
D: California

I knew this answer. Ten is C.

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying

But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

A German soldier walks into a BAR…

He is immediately shredded by multiple rounds of .30-06

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Short) Dirty Joke

Police have issued a city-wide statement:

"Approximately an hour ago two thieves ran off with multiple pounds of Viagra"

They say to keep an eye out for two hardened criminals...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

What do you call a multiple choice quiz in Russia?

An election.

What’s it called when multiple bookshelves of books falls on you?

A title wave

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped

The Police still have no lead.

WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

Once you've seen one establishment with multiple stores in it

You've seen the mall

Did you know that there are multiple types of roads that can fart?

Though most people assume that it's asphalt.

I’m running a seminar tomorrow on multiple personalities.

Please arrive early to fill out your name tags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

What do you call a starship that works multiple jobs and can't pay of it's student loans?

The Millennial Falcon

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

An irishman named Sean cloned himself multiple times but just couldn't stand being around the 11th one...

There was ten Sean between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day

**Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?

**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)



Update:

For those wondering, my wife was not amused.

Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's ...

What do you call when Stalin has multiple roommates?

Commune-ism

I'm fine driving through tunnels when I'm on my own. But the minute I have multiple passengers and I drive through a tunnel, it hurts to hold the steering wheel.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

Apparently many cannibals agree that people that have been in multiple shipwrecks taste better.

You could say that they prefer seasoned survivors.

Why shouldn't you argue with someone who has multiple personalities?

One of them might be a lawyer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

What do you call a bear that has multiple personalities

A bi-polar bear

When something gets shot multiple times

People often will say it was a pepper

But when something gets shot hundreds of times

I say it was a-sault.

Why is the answer to the 10th multiple questions always C?

Because Tennessee

Someone once gave away multiple computers

Sadly I wasn’t able to windows

A good "yo momma" joke works on multiple levels.

Just like yo momma does in bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

Mexican names tend to have multiple syllables

Except Juan

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

Multiple choice question.

Where does a fish swim?

A.

B.

Or C.

At my exam on religion I was given a multiple choice question to define atheism

Eventually I checked "none of the above."

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

I used to have multiple personalities...

"And how are you doing after all this time in therapy?"

We are all doing just fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

What do you call an area where multiple horses live?

A neiiiighborhood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has multiple personalities and keeps getting boob jobs.

She's had a lot of iden-titties

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.