UPJOKE
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I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.

The place was giving me the crepes.

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I live in a very old house, everyone in my town says it's haunted.

It's all superstitious bullshit to me, I've lived here for 127 years and not once seen any ghosts.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

The House is Haunted!



Kid: "Mom, Our maid said that there are ghosts in our house and we need to leave!"



Mom: "Ok, i'll tell your father right away!"



\*Few Minutes Later\*



Mom: "Honey, we need to leave this house. our kid says it's haunted!"



Dad: "God da...

We had a haunting.

One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night. It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon. Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted with the noises of the deceased chickens.

We had a ...

Just bought a boomerang from a ghost.

Now I'm worried that this going to come back to haunt me.

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos

A man went to a local shop, even though there were rumors going around that it was haunted, hadn’t heard them yet.

The shopkeeper came to him and said, “I must warn you young man, every item here comes with a price.”

The man said, “yes I know how stores work.”

The shopkeeper, now frustrated, said, “But these items might come with a price that is larger than you plan for.”

The man, also fru...

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

What do you call it when a ghost feels like it’s haunted the same house before?

De ja Boo!

There's a rumor an evil spirit is haunting houses nearby

They say that if it enters your house, your spelling starts to worsen. But that is only suprestition, ther is no whey deth e gost Ken du sash è t1ng, rait?

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Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground?

They have unfinished business.

Tinder is haunted

I have been talking to someone on tinder and i told her how much i love halloween. To this, she said "great, i have something perfect for you"

Then she ghosted me.

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?

The ghosts are exercising themselves.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens ...

9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...

9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."

5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."

Growing up my Dad told me to never go to strip clubs. He said they are raunchy and I will see things I can't unsee that will haunt me for life.

At 18, I went to a strip club anyway and he was right. I saw my Dad in there.

What do you call a haunting of chickens?

A poultrygeist.

Haunted House Idea:

A room full of women saying "I'm fine."

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

Who was the most frustrated ghost ever?

The one that haunted Helen Keller’s house.

Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared

Why does Cardi B explore haunted libraries?

To look for ghostwriters!

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern...

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

What’s the difference between dating a psychopath and going to a haunted house?

Once you come inside you can’t go back

Yo Mama so Ugly....

that she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

I once dated an Italian woman, who haunts me in my dreams to this day...

...she’s a real gaba-ghoul.

My roomates think our house is haunted

I live here for over 200 years and never seen anything strange in it.

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

There’s one pie that always comes back to haunt me

Boo merengue

What do you get if you build a carousel inside a haunted house?

A scary go round.

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

My friends still haunt me with this one my dad told us back in the day.

A coffin is chasing a man down the street. The man runs into his house, closes his door and locks it, but the coffin breaks through, he hides in the kitchen, but the coffin finds him and keeps chasing after. The man runs upstairs into his room, locks the door and barricades it, it isn't safe there e...

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

What happens if you don't pay the priest, who comes to exorcise your haunted house?

Your house gets repossessed.

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me...

...she was a coultergeist

Thanks to support from the Internet, I no longer have those nameless fears that have haunted me since the pandemic began.

Instead, I'm haunted by fears with names: acrophobia, enochlocophobia, mysophobia...

Tried to tell a joke to the ghost that haunts my house but I don't think he liked it...

...he just looked at me and boo'd.

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

Booooooooobies!

Happy Halloween! Stay safe everyone!

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

What do call a haunted ballot box?

A poll-tergeist

Did you know liquor stores are the most haunted places in the country?

they're all full of spirits.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

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My house must be haunted

Every night i wake up to the sound of my laptop playing porn.

It’s 1975 and a zebra from the Bronx zoo dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said "That's a question only God can answer.”

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked "God, please - I must know... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are.”

The zebra...

The scariest haunted house this year

Is going to be the one where they don’t wear masks...

Have you heard about the haunted house shortage?

Seems like a lot of people are running out of them.

I will come back and haunt you for the rest of your life

A lawyer & wife were always fighting with each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours fea...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What haunts a chicken coop?

A poultry-geist!

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

People say that my house is haunted

They are lying cuz I've been living here for 274 years without noticing anything.

My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

Did you all hear about the haunted wooden structures?

They are made of Bamboooooooooooo

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Guys I think my mirror is haunted!

Every time I look at it an ugly ass m'fucker look back at me

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

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3 Boys and a Haunted House

Three boys were standing in front of an old abandoned house in their neighborhood. There was a rumor going around that the place was haunted.

"I'm not going in there. Fuck that." Said the first boy.

"You pussy. I aint scared of nothing." Said the second boy. So he slipped inside the ho...

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I took some Viagra before visiting a haunted house.

I was scared stiff.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

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What's it called when you take a shit in a haunted house?

A spooky dookie

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A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

Jimmy Carr: “There’s a really easy way to tell if your house is haunted or not.”

It’s not.

What do you call haunted yogurt?

Paranormal Activia.

I think my phone is haunted.

Everyone i message keeps on ghosting me.

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

What kind of ghost haunts a KFC?

A Poultrygeist

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

I just bought a haunted boomerang from an old medicine man in the outback.

That’ll come back to haunt me.

Two mexicans walk into a haunted forest...

...Only Juan comes out.

Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

Three friends go camping in a haunted forest

Late at night, the ghost that haunts the place goes to the first guy and says; "I'm the ghost with one green eye." Naturally the first guy flees. Then, the ghost goes to the second guy and says: "I'm the ghost with one green eye". Second guy flees. And lastly the ghost goes to the third guy and says...

My dating life is like a haunted house

I keep getting ghosted

What do you call an old lady ghost...

Who only likes to haunt younger men?

A BOO-gar.

What do you call a haunted prison in Russia?

A ghoulag

My house is haunted...

...I said to my self one day. Furnitures keep moving around. Clothes keep appearing all over the house. The milk is always on the counter. There's always dirty dishes in the sink.

Then I remembered that I have kids.

A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

What do you call a movie about Matt Damon haunting a carpet store?

The Mat Demon

A woman just moved into a new house and thinks it's haunted, so she goes to talk to a priest.

The priest talks her through the exorcism process and tells her what to expect. The woman says, "I don't know if that will work. You see, the ghost in my house is rather *unusual.*"

"*Unusual* how?" the priest asks.

"I have reason to believe that this ghost is... a huge pervert." ...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

The Possessed Book

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste...

There's a haunted KFC near my house.

They think it's poultrygeist.

What do you call a movie about a family haunted by a Turkey?

Poultrygeist.

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that ...

Moved to a new place, was told it was haunted... Last owner hung himself in his bedroom.

But why would I believe it was haunted if the guy didn't even believe in himself.

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties...

but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract.

That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.

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