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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

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What do you call a spicy pizza haunted by Japanese demons?

A pepper oni pizza

What do you call a haunting of chickens?

A poultrygeist.

9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...

9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."

5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."

I once dated an Italian woman, who haunts me in my dreams to this day...

...she’s a real gaba-ghoul.

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Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground?

They have unfinished business.

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern...

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

Why does Cardi B explore haunted libraries?

To look for ghostwriters!

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

What’s the difference between dating a psychopath and going to a haunted house?

Once you come inside you can’t go back

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

They say that this house is haunted.

That's funny; I've lived here for 245 years, and I haven't noticed anything strange.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

Haunted House Idea:

A room full of women saying "I'm fine."

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..?

... He's addicted to Boos

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

Tried to tell a joke to the ghost that haunts my house but I don't think he liked it...

...he just looked at me and boo'd.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

What do you get if you build a carousel inside a haunted house?

A scary go round.

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

Growing up my Dad told me to never go to strip clubs. He said they are raunchy and I will see things I can't unsee that will haunt me for life.

At 18, I went to a strip club anyway and he was right. I saw my Dad in there.

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

Thanks to support from the Internet, I no longer have those nameless fears that have haunted me since the pandemic began.

Instead, I'm haunted by fears with names: acrophobia, enochlocophobia, mysophobia...

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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

...

My roomates think our house is haunted

I live here for over 200 years and never seen anything strange in it.

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

Booooooooobies!

Happy Halloween! Stay safe everyone!

What happens if you don't pay the priest, who comes to exorcise your haunted house?

Your house gets repossessed.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What haunts a chicken coop?

A poultry-geist!

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.

Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared

The scariest haunted house this year

Is going to be the one where they don’t wear masks...

What do call a haunted ballot box?

A poll-tergeist

Did you know liquor stores are the most haunted places in the country?

they're all full of spirits.

It’s 1975 and a zebra from the Bronx zoo dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said "That's a question only God can answer.”

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked "God, please - I must know... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are.”

The zebra...

What kind of ghost haunts a KFC?

A Poultrygeist

Have you heard about the haunted house shortage?

Seems like a lot of people are running out of them.

I once ate at a haunted French restaurant.

The place gave me the crepes.

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My house must be haunted

Every night i wake up to the sound of my laptop playing porn.

People say that my house is haunted

They are lying cuz I've been living here for 274 years without noticing anything.

Who was the most frustrated ghost in the world?

The one that haunted Helen Keller’s house.

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

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Guys I think my mirror is haunted!

Every time I look at it an ugly ass m'fucker look back at me

I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He hypnotized seven guys... Then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled... F*** ME…
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

Yo mama's so ugly

She went to a haunted house and came out with a job application

A man and his wife were on a driving holiday and looking for a hotel for the night.

When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have a room and it’s $100 for the night.”

That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.

The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up ...

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3 Boys and a Haunted House

Three boys were standing in front of an old abandoned house in their neighborhood. There was a rumor going around that the place was haunted.

"I'm not going in there. Fuck that." Said the first boy.

"You pussy. I aint scared of nothing." Said the second boy. So he slipped inside the ho...

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

Why are there no haunted gyms?

All the ghosts have been exercised

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left....

the place was giving me the crepes..

Every time one door closes, another opens.

I think my house is haunted.

There’s one pie that always comes back to haunt me

Boo merengue

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

Jimmy Carr: “There’s a really easy way to tell if your house is haunted or not.”

It’s not.

Did you all hear about the haunted wooden structures?

They are made of Bamboooooooooooo

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

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What's it called when you take a shit in a haunted house?

A spooky dookie

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

I think my phone is haunted.

Everyone i message keeps on ghosting me.

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

I just bought a haunted boomerang from an old medicine man in the outback.

That’ll come back to haunt me.

I once told a bad joke about ghosts

It still haunts me to this day.

Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me...

...she was a coultergeist

My friends still haunt me with this one my dad told us back in the day.

A coffin is chasing a man down the street. The man runs into his house, closes his door and locks it, but the coffin breaks through, he hides in the kitchen, but the coffin finds him and keeps chasing after. The man runs upstairs into his room, locks the door and barricades it, it isn't safe there e...

My dating life is like a haunted house

I keep getting ghosted

Three friends go camping in a haunted forest

Late at night, the ghost that haunts the place goes to the first guy and says; "I'm the ghost with one green eye." Naturally the first guy flees. Then, the ghost goes to the second guy and says: "I'm the ghost with one green eye". Second guy flees. And lastly the ghost goes to the third guy and says...

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

I will come back and haunt you for the rest of your life

A lawyer & wife were always fighting with each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours fea...

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I took some Viagra before visiting a haunted house.

I was scared stiff.

What do you call haunted yogurt?

Paranormal Activia.

Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction.

But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.

Why do the actors hate performing at the haunted theater?

Boo!

A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

Two mexicans walk into a haunted forest...

...Only Juan comes out.

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

What do you call a haunted prison in Russia?

A ghoulag

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

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Bob talks with his wife after a long night of drinking.

Bob: "Honey, I think our house is haunted!"

Wife: "Why do you say that?"

Bob: "Last night when I opened the bathroom door, the lights suddenly went on, and cold air blew right at me!"

Wife: "You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!"

My house is haunted by Nintendo characters.

I knew I shouldn't have fooled around with that Luigi board.

What do you call a movie about Matt Damon haunting a carpet store?

The Mat Demon

A woman just moved into a new house and thinks it's haunted, so she goes to talk to a priest.

The priest talks her through the exorcism process and tells her what to expect. The woman says, "I don't know if that will work. You see, the ghost in my house is rather *unusual.*"

"*Unusual* how?" the priest asks.

"I have reason to believe that this ghost is... a huge pervert." ...

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Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

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My housemates are full of shit.

Refusing to pay rent, making up excuses about hauntings.

I've lived here for hundreds of years. Not seen a single ghost.

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

What do you call a movie about a family haunted by a Turkey?

Poultrygeist.

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NSFW DARK JOKE: Never eat out a woman who had an abortion.

That shit is haunted.

What do you use to plan a haunted house?

Boo prints. :)

Moved to a new place, was told it was haunted... Last owner hung himself in his bedroom.

But why would I believe it was haunted if the guy didn't even believe in himself.

I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties...

but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that ...

My mum doesn't want me to die.

She said it's because 'mistakes come back to haunt you'.

I went to a haunted house last night

The scariest part was making small talk with the staff

Three friends, Matt, Mike, and Mark, spend the night in a haunted mansion.

They bring flashlights and sleeping bags, ready for a fun, albeit spooky, night. Lo and behold, a man-eating ghost is awakened by the children's rumblings. One by one, the children are eaten whole. The first to go is Matt, unceremoniously pulled from his sleeping bag. The next is Mike, dragged from ...

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