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Freaking Jokes

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A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night

She's my worst night mare

The Trump administration must be freaking out

Oh, to be a fly on Pence right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy, who is not very well endowed, unfortunately is getting married in a week and he’s freaking out...

He’s so embarrassed by the diminutive size of his member, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.
The wedding night comes and out of desperation, he sneaks a large pickle into bed- and successfully gets through the night. As a matter of fact- that’s how he gets through the next several years unti...

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

What does Kim say when Kanye is freaking out?

Yeezy Yeezy, calm down.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

A cannibal was halfway through eating a woman before he started freaking out.

He was having a mid-wife crisis.

The other day I dropped my baby nephew and my sister started freaking out

I understand that I should be more careful, but let’s be honest, who the f*** brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

Everyone is freaking out about Tom Hanks having the Corona virus.

I'm just happy that we finally know what Jenny had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

"Ohhh man...!!" she moaned. "Give it to me now... I'm so freaking wet, give it to me now!"

She could moan all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

I proposed to the girl I've been seeing for a while. She was freaking out and apparently she wanted to make things official.

I'm now signing some papers with the police.

My husband thinks I'm freaking crazy,

but I'm not the one who married me.

Shawn (yawning): “I’m so freaking tired”

Sean (yeaning): “me too.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People are freaking out about the virus

Guess they’re going bat-shit crazy

I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

My friend was freaking out. He said, “I just found out that the girl I slept with last night was my third cousin!”

I said, “If it bothers you so much, stop counting.”

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

My Mexican friend was freaking out, but

I couldn't understand his panic.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out...

Best game of Monopoly ever!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women, the best freaking firewall in the world. (Xpost from r/funny )

* One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.
* One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.
* One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
* In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.
* This means that the throughput of a man's me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

You know, a friend of mine met a guy last week who told her he was a billionaire.

\- She slept with him, and the next morning, he gave her money for a bus.

\- Wow, she must be freaking mad at him.

\- Nah, not really. A bus costs, what, two hundred grand?

My mate was freaking out today, crying and all. He had no idea how he was going to become the fruit farmer he'd always dreamed of being.

I told him to grow a pear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not sure why everyone is freaking out that Trump has his Finger on the Nuclear Button...

By his own admission; this isn't the first time his hands have been somewhere they shouldn't

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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