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Constant Jokes

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

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I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed...

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion r...

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes

I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart

K is dissociation constant.

Although, *special* K is constant dissociation.

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

- Doctor, I'm having constant depression. Nothing works.

\- The best cure you can try is to fully submerge yourself in your work.

\- Doctor, but I'm working as a plumber.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.

The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"

The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pic...

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What do you call a person that constantly hunts for karma?

A predditor.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

What is an investigator's favorite math constant?

Pi

John constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism…

No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even John could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,...

Someone asked how I would feel if the fine structure constant didn't exist.

My response was, "No Matter".

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My girlfriend was getting upset that I was constantly horny...

... so she broke it off.

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

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A 35 year old virgin, fed up with constant dating failures,

goes to see his doctor, for the umpteenth time. Fed up with the constant complaints, his doctor finally relents.

"Ok ok. There's a new guy in town, from Hong Kong. Chinese. Relationship specialist. I think he's a quack but it's worth a try." Says his doc and gives him the address.

Th...

As an East Asian guy, I constantly get asked what's my background

It's Windows standard.

What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?

Half a dog.

Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable

"It's really difficult, my partner is constantly in and out of prison."

"Babe, that's a terrible way to tell people I'm a Corrections Officer."

My cat is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin.

Poor puss.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage...

...a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large life insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie expla...

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

How did Juliet maintain constant temperature?

Romeostasis.

Why was the director's wife constantly anxious in public?

Because her husband was always making a scene.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

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why was Jack's constant tardiness proof that he is a wanker?

"Hey Jack, U late!" (groan)

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Why do monks and nuns in Alabama constantly have sex?

Because they‘re all Brothers and Sisters.

This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

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My dick is constantly hard

Hard to find

There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

There a man in the Soviet Union who always complained about the constant shortages

One day the KGB went to the apartment he lived and arrested him. The occupant of the apartment knew that he was gonna die so they didn't make a fuss out of it. But after a week much to the apartment's occupant surprise, the man returned relatively unharmed except for some bruises so the occupant ask...

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I’m least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleep...

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I had sex with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age

I guess it's a German thing

I used to be constantly chased by women.

Then I stopped stealing purses.

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping

David Beckham warned me this might happen...

I'm constantly getting tire'd just from lying down...

I probably should stop lying down on the street.

I'm constantly losing my jello

I mean I can't remember where I keep pudding it.

what do you call a constant stream of snake people?

lamia flow.

My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn't listen.

And now, the end is near.

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Joe was constantly suffering from headache since long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?

A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.

Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'...

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

I’m tired of people constantly being so condescending about everything

(That means to talk down to someone)

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

All my friends are constantly complaining that I’m too frugal.

I’m not buying it.

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You want to keep your acceleration constant

because nobody likes a jerk!

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

Which pasta is constantly locked out?

Gnocchi!

I live my life in constant fear...

That one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” will come back to claim his rightful mug.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

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A man with a small penis needs constant reassurance

Am i right?

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box

Like god dammit,we were at a funeral and i felt so akward

God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them.

Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

My town’s population has remained constant over the last 30 years.

Whenever a girl gets pregnant, a guy skips town.

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What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

What do you call a person that constantly agrees with everyone?

Agreesive.

My girlfriend has a constant case of halitosis...

So I guess it's a good thing I'm hung like a Tic-Tac.

What do Superman and constantly watched employees have in common?

supervision

Biden looked like a prisoner constantly having bad behavior.

'Cause he couldn't finish a sentence.

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

What do you call someone who smokes weed constantly?

A chronic smoker

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I hate it when my girlfriend constantly cheats

It’s the only way the stupid bitch can beat me at Mario Kart.

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her…

Or something like that. I dunno I wasnt really listening.

Planck's constant walks into a bar...

Planck's constant walks into a bar and orders dessert.

The bartender is a little surprised by this, but happens to have a couple desserts on hand.

"I can't decide," says Planck's constant. "Whenever I walk into a bar I feel divided by two pies."

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

What is mathematicians least favorite constant value?

Pai

So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life

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My older sister was constantly pressuring me to have sex

She was incestent

A man constantly annoys his wife by.....

...referring to her as "Mother of 5" in social situations. Whenever he introduces her or when they are leaving a party, as in "ok, "Mother of 5" time to go home"...one day she has had enough and when he called this out at the end of the church picnic she yelled back "Ok let me get my purse and we'll...

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

Her: I’m leaving. I’m sick of your constant mansplaining. I’m surprised you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

Me: It’s called graffiti, Karen.

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"

The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.

A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.

The doctor prescribes more medi...

My friends are constantly asking me to stop signing Oasis songs.

I said maybe.

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

Three things in the universe are constant.

The speed of light, gravity, and laundry.

I've been having constant sleep paralysis

In my last 3 dreams I was in a wheelchair

Why did the people who moved constantly never get angry?

Because they were no-mads

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A woman is constantly bragging about what a beautiful butt she has.

Every day, several times a day she brags to her husband, friends and family what a beautiful butt she has.
One day she decides to get B tattooed on each butt cheek so her husband is reminded what a beautiful butt his wife has.

Well after it's done she comes home, turns around, drops her p...

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...

he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.

What will happen if an 110lb kid is jogging at 4mph, and a 3000lb car hits him at a constant speed of 55mph?

He gets hit by the truck, and is severely injured.



So anyways I lost my license today

When I integrate I don't add the constant

I guess I have my limits

I know this guy, who's constantly gloating...

He inherited this ancient ming dynasty table from a dead relative and he wouldn't shut up about it. He didn't even seem to care that a family member had died. So one day I went over to his place to see this "amazing, priceless table" and when he went to the bathroom I sawed off all of it's legs. He ...

My neighbor leave his sprinkler running constantly sometimes days at a time..

It's really irrigating.

Tired of me constantly pretending to be a detective, my wife has said that she wants us to split up...

I told her it was a good idea.

We can cover more ground that way...

I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse.

When do I get Adult Supervision?

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies?

The ruler.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

An oldie my Dad constantly tells me

Two men walk into the the theatre to watch a charlie chaplin film. Guy 1 makes a bet: "I bet Chaplin gets bopped the moment he walks around the corner" and guy 2 accepts.

They watch the film and as predicted, Chaplin get hit on the head so guy 2 has to pay up.

The first guy returns th...

My wife left me because she believes I live in constant denial

Tonight we'll have a romantic dinner celebrating our 5th year anniversary

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

I used to own two pairs of pants I played golf in constantly.

Sadly, I got a Hole In One.

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

Why did my girlfriend leave?

My girlfriend said we had to have a serious talk. She had enough of me constantly singing “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. She said if I didn’t stop singing that song, she was done with the relationship and would leave.

I said, “Tell me why?”

I was constantly praised and flattered by a colony of ants....

It turns out that they were sycophants!

My wife was very irritated with me for my constant need to act like a flamingo

so i had to put my foot down.

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

My ex dumped me because of my constant Linkin Park references.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.



I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"



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