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Freaked Jokes

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

Freaked out when I got to the cemetery

and the GPS said “you have reached your final destination.”

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

A man is in a pub, talking enthusiastically and at length about his hobby, skydiving.

He turns to a woman sitting close to him and asks, "Have you ever tried skydiving?"

"Only once," she replies. "Never again."

The man then realises that she's blind. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says, somewhat ill at ease, "does it have to do with your, uhm, condition?"

"Yes," she states,...

Dad becomes freaked out over sons ability to make people die then he gets another surprise

So a dad and his family are praying one night and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight daddy and goodbye Grandpa”, next day grandpa dies. The dad is a little freaked out but is convinced this was just a tragic coincidence. Next night they are praying and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight da...

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

I freaked out when my girlfriend was about to look through my phone

I didn’t want her to see my Reddit account, so I just told her I was cheating on her

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

I heard about this spoiled girl who freaked out...

Because her parents bought her a black Ferrari instead of a blue one.

Really makes me appreciate my parents

Because they bought me a blue one

My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted.

Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.

I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet

I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.

My wife freaked out when I opened the door for her

She was screaming that I was losing control of the car

I don’t know why my wife is so freaked out over me practicing necromancy.

I was serious when I said I wanted to raise a family.

Really freaked out for a bit, my computer was giving me personalised Jesus quotes.

Turns out I had it set to depeche mode.

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

Just said Hi to this guy on the plane and everyone freaked out

Apparently his name was Jack

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo ...

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A condom broke last month. I freaked out and went to the pharmacy, and they told me to use the morning after pill.

That shit doesn't work. I took two and she's still pregnant.

I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"

She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"

I replied, "I don't."

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

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Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

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The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

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A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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A young man goes to see his doctor…

The doctor greets him, noticing the look of concern on his patient’s face. He then asks what brings the young man in today. “Doc, I don’t know what to do. I’m experiencing very strange farts and I’m getting freaked out by it. I need your help,” the man says. The doctor reassures him and begins to ex...

I walked into a bar once...

I went into a bar once and ordered a drink from the bartender. He puts down the drink and a side of peanuts. I take a sip of the drink and I hear faintly, "Man, you have great hair!" I was a little freaked out by it, because there isn't anyone in the bar besides me and the bartender, but the bartend...

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A first grader is working on his math homework

While working, he says “1 plus 1, the son of a bitch is 2. 2 plus 2, the son of a bitch is 4”.

His mom hears him an in shock, she cries “what did you just say?” The boy replies “this is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked “okay, I’m ...

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