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Paranoid Jokes

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
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What's the best thing about being paranoid?

You're always the talk of the town.
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My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.

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A paranoid husband goes to an assassin

The assassin charges 10k per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"That's me."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found...

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Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!
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I hate being so paranoid, but its the CIA's fault.

its the drugs they put in my coffee.
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I'm a paranoid attention seeker.

I always think someone isn't talking about me.
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How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who wants to know?
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Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...
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I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

paranoid fantasies

A woman is laying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist says, "I want to talk about these paranoid fantasies you've been having of being stalked by a man who is disguising himself as furniture. How long have you been having these delusions?"
The woman says, "About 5 months."
...
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This is the most paranoid I've ever been!

No, wait -- That's just what they *want* me to think!
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Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.
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My wife is very paranoid.

She keeps saying that the government is plotting to kill her...

It's nice that she views me with such authority.
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I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code
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Just been to the doctors and she diagnosed me as paranoid…

We’ll, she didn’t say that but I know that’s what she was thinking.
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Why didn’t the paranoid plane take off?

It had thrust issues
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A paranoid patient goes to the doctor,

"Doctor please help me, I feel like I've only got 59 seconds to live!"Doctor - "Yes please wait, I'll be with you in a minute."
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What did the paranoid clown say to his tax attorney?

Find anything funny?
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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

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If I had a dollar every time I was paranoid...

...I'd freak the fuck out as to who was giving me all that money.

I might be paranoid about The CIA

Or maybe that's the drugs they're putting in my coffee
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Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+
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I’m a paranoid Schizophrenic

But you already knew that, didn’t you.
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My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.
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If you want to understand paranoid people better....

Try following them around.
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My friend has paranoid delusions about being a chocolate orange.

I worry he might get sectioned.
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My new sunglasses are making me paranoid

Everyone suddenly seems shady
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You may think I’m paranoid

But I think diet soda is just another form of pop elation control.
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Why was the farmer always paranoid?

He believed there was a cornspiracy against him.
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What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.
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Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.
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Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid...

This must be some sort of conspiracy...
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My girlfriend is so paranoid.

She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker.
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PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"

PIG: "Oh God, not you too"
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Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!
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I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!
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I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever...

He brings back everything cause he's not sure what I threw.
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Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He was always afraid he was following someone.
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I don’t mean to sound paranoid about changing lanes while driving

But I’m always looking over my shoulder
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Everyone's saying I'm paranoid for starting these Morse code lessons

but I'm positive those woodpeckers are talking shit

Words of encouragement for all my paranoid homies out there

*Whispering* you are not alone
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I've started to get paranoid about hiding my drugs in my shoes

Every time I look at them, they look laced.
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Have you heard about the paranoid dyslexic?

He's afraid NASA is spying on him.
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My wife left me because apparently I'm to paranoid

I'm ok with that. Rather live alone than with a clone
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I get paranoid when I smoke

Sometimes I get paranoid when I smoke, like last time I got so high I convinced myself my girlfriend was sleeping with my bestfriend.

Luckily for me though it was only my second best friend.
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Why was the corn farmer paranoid?

Because the field has ears.
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I visited a doctor and he told me I was paranoid.

In fact, he didn't tell me, but he surely had to think I was.
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The shrinks diagnosed me as a sociopath with paranoid delusions.

But they're just out to get me.
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I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.

He told me to take one, action
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Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...
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People keep accusing me of being paranoid.

Why are they out to get me?
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I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.
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My wife said I should stop high-fiving people because of the Coronavirus, but I think she's being paranoid.

It's not like I'm going to get it twice.
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Artificial Intelligence

My wife says I'm too paranoid about smart devices, and that I simply watched too many movies where machines turn against humanity.

The other day I told my wife a joke in the kitchen. She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed; I shot the toaster... good times.
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My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.
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I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -

"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".

"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.

"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.

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I was always paranoid and afraid that everyone would sexually assult me, so I went to see a therapist. And my fear came true.

Apparently I didn't see the space in between "therapist".

I saw a man at standing on the precipice of a cliff and knew he was paranoid.

He jumped to a conclusion.
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I went to see a Doctor today and apparently I'm a Paranoid racist!?!

Well he didn't say anything actually.....But i knew the Black Cunt was thinking it.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Help Hotline

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you’re paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If...
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I visited the library the other day.

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoid delusions were kept.
She leaned in close to me and whispered,

"They're behind you!"
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Three friends die and go to heaven...

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three fr...
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The other day, my friend told me he thinks he has delusions of an Oedipal Complex.

I called him a paranoid motherfucker.

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A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

Did you hear about that theoretical physicist who went insane studying cosmic background radiation?

He said he couldn't tell where reality ended... and the paranoid delusions began!
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Who told you...

I was paranoid?
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A patient with a mental decease walks to a doctor

the doctor asks: "What's your problem?"

The patient: "I'm paranoid about the Backstreet Boys"

Doctor: "Tell me why"

Patient: \*screams\*
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My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone.

It became a Paranoid Android.
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I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...
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I was going to have a relaxing fire with some firewood that I stole.

But then I got paranoid and burned all the evidence.
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Whenever I see a “Baby On Board” Bumper sticker, I think to myself..

The driver is either a really paranoid parent. Or a really clever child abductor.
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A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...
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A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.
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I wonder who's watching me now, the IRS?

1984 paranoid ramblings

2018 passing remark
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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.
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3 guys stole a beer.

So three guys stole a beer and planned to split it 3 ways but they were very paranoid about being caught so they decided to wait the night out of town so as to not get caught. After leaving town you know they built a campsite and decided to take shifts watching their beer to make sure it’s safe... s...
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Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.
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A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

...and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man...
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