This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor reckons I am paranoid

He didn't say it but I know what the cunt just be thinking

I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever...

He brings back everything cause he's not sure what I threw.

My new sunglasses are making me paranoid

Everyone suddenly seems shady

My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone's saying I'm paranoid for starting these Morse code lessons

but I'm positive those woodpeckers are talking shit

I’m a paranoid Schizophrenic

But you already knew that, didn’t you.

My doctor told me i’m a paranoid schizophrenic

well, he didn’t SAY that, but WE know that’s what he was thinking.

I'm a paranoid attention seeker.

I always think someone isn't talking about me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

I know that I'm paranoid.



But I worry that I might not be paranoid enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

A paranoid schizophrenic was arrested for killing 17 pigeons in a local park.

He wasn't arrested for murder, or animal cruelty.



His actual charge was for the destruction of government property.

Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...

Must be something in the water.

What's the best thing about being paranoid?

You're always the talk of the town.

Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A paranoid husband goes to an assassin

The assassin charges 10k per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"That's me."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"

PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

My girlfriend is so paranoid.

She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was always paranoid and afraid that everyone would sexually assult me, so I went to see a therapist. And my fear came true.

Apparently I didn't see the space in between "therapist".

My wife left me because apparently I'm to paranoid

I'm ok with that. Rather live alone than with a clone

I visited a doctor and he told me I was paranoid.

In fact, he didn't tell me, but he surely had to think I was.

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

The shrinks diagnosed me as a sociopath with paranoid delusions.

But they're just out to get me.

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who wants to know?

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal ob...

Have you heard about the paranoid dyslexic?

He's afraid NASA is spying on him.

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.

He told me to take one, action

I was walking by a house the other day that was being worked on and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo.

In Morse Code.

I was going to have a relaxing fire with some firewood that I stole.

But then I got paranoid and burned all the evidence.

Did you hear about that theoretical physicist who went insane studying cosmic background radiation?

He said he couldn't tell where reality ended... and the paranoid delusions began!

Paranoids

"You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -

"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".

"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.

"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.

I get paranoid when I smoke

Sometimes I get paranoid when I smoke, like last time I got so high I convinced myself my girlfriend was sleeping with my bestfriend.

Luckily for me though it was only my second best friend.

What kind of dinosaur is always hiding and very paranoid?

A youthinkhesaurus

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

*If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.*

*If You have Ocd, Push The numbers 1, 2, 3, 7*

*If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.*

*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.*

*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what ...

Why was the corn farmer paranoid?

Because the field has ears.

I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a Doctor today and apparently I'm a Paranoid racist!?!

Well he didn't say anything actually.....But i knew the Black Cunt was thinking it.

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He was always afraid he was following someone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

One day a little girl was saying her prayers

She prayed "dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but grandma's gonna die" Now her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd but he went on with his business. Now the next day he got a call that the grandmother had infact died.

He was deeply troubled by this so the next ni...

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

I wonder who's watching me now, the IRS?

1984 paranoid ramblings

2018 passing remark

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

Three friends die and go to heaven

(Change the names in this if you want to)

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Wha...

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

I'm okay with kids getting shot.

People afraid of vaccines are being paranoid.

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone.

It became a Paranoid Android.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

...and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I translated a Slovak joke

In a certain village lived a widow with her 15 year old daughter and 9 year old son. One day, the daughter asks her mother if she can go out and visit her friend. The mother let her go, but since she was very paranoid and wanted her daughter to remain a virgin until she got married, she sent her lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit were walking through the forest

All of a sudden they come across a golden turtle. The turtle looks at them and explains that today is their lucky day because he happens to be a magical golden turtle and is going to grant each of them three wishes. The bear, who is a horny fucker, goes first and wishes they he was the only male bea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[LONG][STORY][NSFW] The King's Daughter's Guards

In a land that is far from here, but not so far from there, in an ancient time that is not so long ago, there lived a king.
Now, this king had a daughter, the most beautiful young woman in the entire world. As she grew to the age when suitors started appearing, the king grew paranoid that she w...

What's the difference between PHP and PCP?

One makes you:

* feel numb
* see things that aren't there
* panicked and paranoid
* feel loss of control over your actions.


The other is a synthetic drug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.

... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!

... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.

... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams...

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

What do you call a shape that's always worried?

A paranoid. (Wooo maths jokes)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor...

A woman went to the doctor with, from her perspective, a huge problem. She had always been ashamed of her private parts; her over-sized outer labias. They made her vagina look like an overweight camels mouth. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and went to the plastic surgeon to minimize them.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.