Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

My friend has paranoid delusions about being a chocolate orange.

I worry he might get sectioned.

I hate being so paranoid, but its the CIA's fault.

its the drugs they put in my coffee.

Where do paranoid schizophrenics ride their bicycles?

On the psychopath.

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

Why didn’t the paranoid plane take off?

It had thrust issues

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a dollar every time I was paranoid...

...I'd freak the fuck out as to who was giving me all that money.

Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I’m too paranoid

He didn’t really say that, but I know he was thinking it.

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A paranoid husband goes to an assassin

The assassin charges 10k per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"That's me."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found...

I don’t mean to sound paranoid about changing lanes while driving

But I’m always looking over my shoulder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

Some words of encouragement for all those paranoid people who fear someone’s watching you:

*whispering*

You’re not alone.

You may think I’m paranoid

But I think diet soda is just another form of pop elation control.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

If you want to understand paranoid people better....

Try following them around.

My wife said I should stop high-fiving people because of the Coronavirus, but I think she's being paranoid.

It's not like I'm going to get it twice.

My new sunglasses are making me paranoid

Everyone suddenly seems shady

Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever...

He brings back everything cause he's not sure what I threw.

Why was the farmer always paranoid?

He believed there was a cornspiracy against him.

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

I'm a paranoid attention seeker.

I always think someone isn't talking about me.

What's the best thing about being paranoid?

You're always the talk of the town.

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who wants to know?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone's saying I'm paranoid for starting these Morse code lessons

but I'm positive those woodpeckers are talking shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day, my friend told me he thinks he has delusions of an Oedipal Complex.

I called him a paranoid motherfucker.

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was always paranoid and afraid that everyone would sexually assult me, so I went to see a therapist. And my fear came true.

Apparently I didn't see the space in between "therapist".

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"

PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

Paranoids

"You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."

My wife left me because apparently I'm to paranoid

I'm ok with that. Rather live alone than with a clone

Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid...

This must be some sort of conspiracy...

My girlfriend is so paranoid.

She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker.

I visited a doctor and he told me I was paranoid.

In fact, he didn't tell me, but he surely had to think I was.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.

He told me to take one, action

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He was always afraid he was following someone.

People keep accusing me of being paranoid.

Why are they out to get me?

Have you heard about the paranoid dyslexic?

He's afraid NASA is spying on him.

The shrinks diagnosed me as a sociopath with paranoid delusions.

But they're just out to get me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -

"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".

"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.

"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

I saw a man at standing on the precipice of a cliff and knew he was paranoid.

He jumped to a conclusion.

I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!

3 guys stole a beer.

So three guys stole a beer and planned to split it 3 ways but they were very paranoid about being caught so they decided to wait the night out of town so as to not get caught. After leaving town you know they built a campsite and decided to take shifts watching their beer to make sure it’s safe... s...

I get paranoid when I smoke

Sometimes I get paranoid when I smoke, like last time I got so high I convinced myself my girlfriend was sleeping with my bestfriend.

Luckily for me though it was only my second best friend.

Why was the corn farmer paranoid?

Because the field has ears.

Paranoid people of reddit

I'm coming for you

Research shows that smoking pot does not make you paranoid.

But I highly doubt it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a Doctor today and apparently I'm a Paranoid racist!?!

Well he didn't say anything actually.....But i knew the Black Cunt was thinking it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Magic Wand.

A man and a woman lived in the outskirts of a city. The man was a famous magician who would often go on tours to various cities. This time the tour was longer than usual.

The man and his wife had a very strange but a meaningful relationship. Being very paranoid, the man made his wife promise...

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man comes...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

One day a little girl was saying her prayers

She prayed "dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but grandma's gonna die" Now her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd but he went on with his business. Now the next day he got a call that the grandmother had infact died.

He was deeply troubled by this so the next ni...

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

Who told you...

I was paranoid?

Did you hear about that theoretical physicist who went insane studying cosmic background radiation?

He said he couldn't tell where reality ended... and the paranoid delusions began!

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the ...

Three friends die and go to heaven

*Edited for spelling*

[The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends' names for added humor]

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they're about to ente...

I was going to have a relaxing fire with some firewood that I stole.

But then I got paranoid and burned all the evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

I wonder who's watching me now, the IRS?

1984 paranoid ramblings

2018 passing remark

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone.

It became a Paranoid Android.

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit were walking through the forest

All of a sudden they come across a golden turtle. The turtle looks at them and explains that today is their lucky day because he happens to be a magical golden turtle and is going to grant each of them three wishes. The bear, who is a horny fucker, goes first and wishes they he was the only male bea...

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