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Panic Jokes

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

Panic.

The wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor.

I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.

Then I remembered.

The local pub does an all day breakfast for 3.99.

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the KY Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

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Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter...

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, don’t panic unless you see at least one grizzly stalking you.

That’s the bear minimum.

Doctor: *panic*

Disabled guy: Stands

Blind guy: “did he just stand?”

Deaf guy: “did he just see?”

Mute guy: “did he just hear?”

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is...

How do you cause a panic at a Hollywood party?

You say "Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen?"

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

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A woman rushes to her gynaecologist in a total panic.

“Doctor, doctor! I made a horrible mistake, I hooked up with a guy i met at a bar and now I’m worried! Is it true you can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course you can my dear, where do you think lawyers come from.”

I have panic attacks every time I use a two letter word.

I get scared just..thinking about it.

Whats the difference between worry and panic?

About 28 days

A guy calls 911 in a panic.

“My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!”

“Calm down,” the 911 operator says. “Is this her first child?”

“No, you idiot!” the guy shouts. “This is her husband!”

What's the difference between Shakespeare and Panic At The Disco?

Shakespeare writes Tragedies not Sins.

Wanted to start panic buying.

But I saw my bank account and can only panic.

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

Why did the Twitter kid have a panic attack in Maths class?

Because the teacher said they will be learning about Ratios.

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The wife walks in while watching porn

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... You know how to fish."

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

A wife calls her husband in a panic

"I just turned on the TV, and there's a car on the wrong side of the freeway, and it's near where you are!"

"FAKE NEWS! It isn't one car, it's all of them!

A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me; I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”

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Can we stop panic buying toilet paper right now!?

You bunch of assholes!

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

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I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty.

With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine.

It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me.

Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck...

A wife calls her husband in a panic...

Wife: "There's water in the carburetor!"

Husband: "The carburetor? That's ridiculous!"

Wife: "I'm telling you, the carburetor is completely flooded, there's water everywhere!"

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Let me come take a look. Where's the car?"

W...

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(NSFW) A man runs up to his physician in a panic

And yells:

"Doctor, I just had sex with a mother and her twin daughters last night!"

The doctor asks "And why are you telling me this?"

The man yells "I'm telling everybody!!"

Why did the deaf airplane passenger panic?

They saw the flight attendant yawn.

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

I've decided to do a little panic buying...

I checked my back account, and I can only panic.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

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People who panic-buy and hoard toilet papers

are clean assholes.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He Takes The Dirty, Chewed-Up Rabbit Into The House. He Gives It A Bath, Blow-Dries Its Fur, And Puts It Back Into The Cage At The Neighbor's House, Hoping They Will Think It Died Of Natural Causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy s...

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

Ok, don't panic…

If we hold the North Pole and South Pole down simultaneously for three seconds, it'll automatically restore to factory settings.

I bought a guide on how to not panic buy.

It's so good I got twenty copies just to be sure.

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

I have severe pharmaphobia that causes panic attacks.

I wept openly when my doctor wrote me a prescription for it.

Why was there Panic! At the Disco?

Because there was Blood on the Dance Floor.

Why was Panic! At the disco so worried about carona virus?

They know its a fever you cant sweat out

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PSA on Hoarding and Panic buying due to Covid-19

Due to the current pasta shortage, the government has asked people not to panic buy based to the actions of a fusilli individuals.

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

I have such issues with Panic! At The Disco.

They’re teaching people to follow a single path when really, you can panic anywhere.

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

A man calls a doctor in a panic

"Doctor, doctor!" the man cries. "My son swallowed my pencil, and I don't know what to do!!"

"Now calm down," assured the doctor. "Tell me this:

...do you have a *pen?*"

Why does the Mexican guy take xanax?

For hispanic attacks

Panic at the hotel

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. ...

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

A blonde calls the front desk of her hotel in a panic.

"Help! I'm trapped in my room!" she says. "How do I get out?"

The clerk at the front desk says, "just go out the door."

"I tried," she says "but one just leads to the bathroom, and the other has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it!"

What do Coronavirus panic in England and divorce in the United States have in common?

They’re both commonly caused by BBC.

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

Panic struck, I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless...

Then I realized...it was on paws.

I’d like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother’s Day!

…and make all the Americans panic.

(It’s Mother’s Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

Why did the eligible bachelor get stressed out every time he dated a Latin woman?

Because they are Hispanic.

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

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Makes perfect sense to me that everyone is panic buying toilet roll because of the Coronavirus...

One sneeze and everyone shits themselves!

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A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"


"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

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I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said “No, dumbass. It’s all in your head”

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Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?"

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?" he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. "Well shit!" says the guy, "I think I just ran over a nun."

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

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My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

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A father walks into a bar with his son and gives him three pennies to play with.

Suddenly the boy starts choking. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father panics and shouts to the bar's patrons for help.

A well-dressed, attractive and seri...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortuna...

A woman goes to the doctor

With an massive stomach ache.

"Ok", says the doctor, "please lie down on your back let me examine you". He proceeds to push her stomach with both hands and "BRAAAAB" she lets out a huge fart.

"Could you roll to the side" and she does as requested. The doctor presses down again and in...

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

Here in WA state we had our first official Corona virus death near Seattle. Our grocery stores are practically empty from widespread panic. I really don't understand.

It's not going to last. It's made in China.

My sister called in a panic to say she'd dropped my kid.

I didn’t even know she was pregnant.

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

David Cameron, Barack Obama Robert Mugabe are all in crashing plane with one parachute. The crew have already jumped in blind panic.

(my friend told me this back in 2016, hence the political outdatedness)

After the initial panic, they pull themselves together and decide what to do. Finally, Cameron speaks up

"Right" he says. "We're all from democratic nations, so I suggest we hold a vote as to who should get the par...

I once tried ice skating on a lake, but I fell in. Nobody helped me either, they just laughed at me panic.

Worst summer vacation ever.

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?

It was an emergent sea.

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

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