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Terrible Jokes

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend

Nobody came

LGBTQIA people are terrible at telling jokes because

They can't say them with a straight face

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids. The doctor prescribes him suppositories to take every day then says to come back in a week. The man isn't entirely sure what a suppository is but at the pharmacy sees they're pills so he does as instructed, swallowing one every day. After a week he...

What is a terrible name for a dog.

Yes. Yes it is.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

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Paddy dies a terrible death...

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

My Debate Club leader said I was a terrible addition.

I found it hard to argue with their stance.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

"Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space".

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

A man had a terrible hate for lawyers.

Like, he really hated any and all lawyers he met.
And as such, every time he was out driving his car, he would go out of his way to hit them. It didn't matter when or where, if he saw a lawyer he just had to run them over.
The man, however, was also a pious man. One day while driving, he s...

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

The Tabouleh was Terrible

And I feel parsley responsible.

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A lady out taking golf lessons! She is doing terrible...

The instructors getting pissed off. He says to her "listen dear, we have been out here all day long and we haven't gotten anywhere. You are not listening to what I tell you. Let's try something different. I want you to grab hold of the golf club just like you have hold of your husband's penis."...

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

Why is Jesus terrible in bed?

Because it takes him 3 days to rise

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

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Jamaican guy gets invited to an emotion themed fancy dress party (terrible joke I liked when I was younger)

People start arriving before him, first is Sally who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in blue, with tear drops inked on her face. "Ah Sally nice costume, you are clearly sadness, come on in and get yourself a drink."

Next up is Andy, who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in red, wi...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

I used to be a TERRIBLE procrastinator

Now I'm great at it, I get zero things done.

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I went to a restaurant run by dwarves and the service was terrible

In their defence, they're short staffed

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

Safety is a terrible lover

Safety always comes first

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Ghosts are terrible liars.

You can see right through them.

You’re a terrible lawyer! How did you even pass the bar?

I passed the bar? Which One? Better go back!

"This sushi is terrible."

"Sir, this is an aquarium."

Entitlement jokes are terrible.

Because they never include me.

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"Hey Siri, why am I so terrible at talking to women?"

"My name is Alexa you two timing piece of shit."

Why did the cloud-based company have a terrible attitude?

It was full of SaaS.

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

Once there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. Terrible king.

Great ruler

it's not great, but not terrible either.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morni...

A terrible pun

What is a mathematicians favourite food?

Pie

There was this kid who was terrible at school...

His parents had tried everything; after school programs, private tutoring, etc. Nothing had worked to bring up his grades. So they decided to try one last thing, to send him to Catholic school.

So the first day of Catholic school he goes, and comes home. He opens the door and looks at his mom...

I'm a terrible golfer.

I played the other day and only hit two good balls, and that was when I stood on a rake.

I was in the middle of ironing when something terrible happened.

It was a pressing emergency.

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

Why do Foot fetishists make terrible Olympians?

They love the taste of defeet.

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

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What's great on pie but terrible on pussy...?

Crust

Today was terrible.

My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman..

Oops I've posted this in the wrong place

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up a...

My terrible joke

I met a Northern European guy at my local running race. I said to him I doubt you'll even Finnish

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Joe had a terrible headache, and went to the Doctor.

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news
is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve t...

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer.

At least he had a great fall.

Not all math puns are terrible.

Just sum.

Have you heard the joke about paper? It’s terrible. Have you heard the joke about prostitution?…

It’s horrible…

Missing someone is a terrible feeling

Ask any sniper

I've got this terrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

My Doctor tells me it's terminal.

A man goes to the the doctor with terrible constipation,

The doctor examined him and said "do you eat a lot of peas?"

The man nods his head and the doctor says "if you cut them out then everything should go back to normal" so the man does and everything is fine.

Years later he is drinking in a bar with some old guys and one of them says "I c...

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Terrible Timing

Mom and dad are getting ready for their 'sexy time' night. Mom is in the bathroom freshening up and dad is putting on a condom. As he's doing this, their son walks into the room.

Dad rolls off the bed, embarrassed, and pretends to be looking under the bed.

"What are you doing, daddy?",...

Yoda would be a terrible navigation officer

If you were piloting a ship with him and asked him “Are we going the right way to Alderaan?”

He’d reply saying “Off course, we are”.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?


Lo-fi

Got terrible back ache so I'm seeing my Egyptian specialist later.

He's a cairopractor.

My new thesaurus is terrible

in fact I'd go as far to say that it's terrible

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

As I sat anxiously in the waiting area, one of the surgeons opened the door, walked over and gave me the terrible news. I almost broke into tears immediately.

"It's time for your dentist appointment," she said.

A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident

He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."

My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction

I said, “where did that come from?"

After a terrible shipwreck,,,

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself, "I am so screwed!" To his surpr...

My girlfriend left me because of my terrible Arnie impersonations.

But she'll return.

Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.

A man had a terrible stomach ache and rushed into the restroom

A janitor walked into his moaning and groaning. Concerned, he knocked on the stall and asked:
"What's the matter?"
The man replied:
"Solid, liquid, gas... maybe even some plasma..."

Why was Chewbacca a terrible pilot?

What do you expect, he was just a wookie

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?

Because he didn’t planet well.

Why do Corgis make terrible accountants?

Because they always come up short!

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

9/11 jokes are terrible!

The other 2 are funny as hell.

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

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I'm terrible at telling jokes...

I always punch up the fuck lines

Knock-knock joke that is terrible

Knock Knock


Who's there?


Boo


Boo Who?


It's Just a Joke no need to cry

Dead baby jokes are terrible

If you’re gonna tell one, just abort it.

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My terrible cake day joke

I had a crooked dick then i got a blowjob from a chick with braces. Now it’s so straight i can prove the earth is round.

I told my boss that I had a terrible fall.

He said, "That's fine, don't come in to work today."

Tomorrow I'll tell him I had a horrible summer, too.

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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

why are all ducks such terrible doctors ?

they are all quacks.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

Terrible Dad Jokes

Share your best (worst) jokes that only a dad would tell their kid!

Kid: Dad, I'm thirsty.
Dad: Hi thirsty, I'm friday!

Two men walk into a bar. The bartender says "you can't eat your own food in here!" so they swapped sandwiches.

Why do bullfrogs love terrible comedians?

----------?






*crickets*

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Prebiotic oatmilk gave me terrible diarrhea.

But since then my guts got used to it and I don't give a shit anymore.

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A terrible joke

My friend was really mad at me because I was masturbating while sniffing his sisters underwear I think it was because she was still in them. It really made the rest of her funeral a real drag.

A woman goes to the mechanic complaning of a terrible noise in her car

The mechanic looks, thinks for a second, and asks her:

"Have you tried turning your Taylor Swift playlist off?"

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Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. “What’s wrong, Bob?” His wife asks..


“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into...

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for...

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

I heard a terrible joke about a deaf person yesterday.

They didn't though.

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

this terrible day in American history

always reminds me of this dark humor line: "Other than *that* , Mrs Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?"

A terrible day at the golf course

John is playing golf with his wife. He gets to a difficult dogleg left par 5. But he is an avid golfer and has learned he can cut the corner by hitting his second shot over the barn the hole curves around. He hits a beautiful drive, but it goes further than normal and he is really close to the barn....

My girlfriend called me a pervert and a terrible historian

I said, "I am not a terrible historian....ask me the fate of Henry VIII's wife's". "Go on then" she replied.

...

"Divorced

Beheaded

Died

Divorced

Beheaded

Creampied"

This morning my wife woke me telling me she had a terrible dream.

She shook me a little and I was still in that half asleep response mode. She says, "I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that we broke up and you left me for some hot 20 year old."

Eyes still closed, I mumbled, "20 years old. That's terrible. Where did I find her?"

I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes.

All of the good ones argon.

Jack woke up at home with a terrible hangover and black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened la...

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Doctor: "Sir, I have some terrible news for you..."

Doctor (cont.): " Your wife has been in a terrible car accident. We had to amputate two of her limbs. She has a tracheotomy. She will not be able to talk.. You will have to care for her, help her get to the bathroom, bathe her, get her medications. She will need full time care."

Man: "OH do...

Why was Georgia O’Keeffe a terrible house painter?

She never masked the trim.

A bus gets in to a terrible crash.

Everybody inside dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates of Heaven, God is there to greet them. He says to the first person, “Before you get in to Heaven, I can grant you one wish.”

The first person in line says, “Well, I wish I was pretty.” God then grants this wish and let’s her in to Heaven...

A man talks about his terrible roommate with his coworker

"Yeah, so he hates all the things I like. He's even said they're stupid and boring right to my face. He constantly ignores me and doesn't do his share of the chores. He's even somehow managed to damage my car! I try to make it work, but some days..."

His coworker was appalled.

"Why wou...

All these dating sites are terrible for your self esteem.

If I wanted to feel neglected I’d go sit with my wife.

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A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache

The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have sex with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"

The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.

But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically order...

Bob Had Terrible BO...

And no matter how much he washed or scrubbed, he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps and shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered five times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 and avoided garlic and beans like the plague, but alas people still gagged as they walked behind him.

...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.

They never get above C level.

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

What do Picasso and a terrible boxer have in common?

They both spend a lot of time on the canvas!

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