This sucks, 2022 is going to be terrible

Because 2022 is 2020, too

I wrote a terrible joke about blind people.

Good thing they’ll never see it.

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Terrible Timing

Mom and dad are getting ready for their 'sexy time' night. Mom is in the bathroom freshening up and dad is putting on a condom. As he's doing this, their son walks into the room.

Dad rolls off the bed, embarrassed, and pretends to be looking under the bed.

"What are you doing, daddy?",...

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

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A married couple is in a terrible accident and the woman’s face is severely burned.

The doctor tells the husband that they can’t graft any skin from her body because she is so skinny. So, the husband decides to donate some of his own skin for the operation.

However, the doctor finds that the only suitable place to take the skin is from his ass. The husband requests that no ...

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

I just bought a new thesaurus. Not only is it terrible,

it's terrible.

A man was in a terrible accident, and his wife asked for his prognosis

Well, Mrs. Smith, your husband went into a short period of suspended animation.



Oh my God! He went into a Coma?



No, it was for only a few seconds. I'd call it more of a comma.

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

Today was a terrible day.

My ex got hit by a bus
.
.
.
And I lost my job as a bus driver!

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

Teacher to student: I'm sorry Steve but i have to fail you on your french, you are just terrible...

Teacher:what do you have to say for yourself?

Student : Gracias

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?

Because he didn’t planet well.

Why do blonde men make terrible lovers

They always wait for the swelling to go down

Hey, I wanted to recommend this book to you full of terrible opinions from the least-informed people you can imagine.

Thanks, but I already Reddit.

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I said some terrible things to my mom as I was coming out of anesthesia. Told her that she was the ugliest fucking woman I had ever seen, and I hated her new short haircut..

Turns out it was my dad who came to pick me up, my mom was at home this whole time.

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Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

We lost our Dad yesterday. He bled out after a terrible accident. The paramedics asked if we knew his blood type, but we didn't.

As he died he whispered "Be Positive" but it sure is gonna be tough without him.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

Did you guys know that 6 out of 5 people are terrible at math?

I'm glad that I'm not 1 of them.

Why do vampires make terrible businessmen?

>!They can't deal with stakeholders!<

Political jokes are a terrible idea

because it is not a good thing to be talking about a fellow comedian.

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

After screaming and crying at 3 AM due to a terrible nightmare, the boy went to his dad's bedroom.

"F***ing hell dad!", he said, "are you okay?"

What did Casper the ghost say while sitting through a terrible movie?

“I don’t think I can get through this!”

Why do midwesterners make terrible spies?

It’s because they always say “oppe” when they try to sneak on past ya...

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Did you hear about the terrible magician?

Did you hear about the terrible magician?


He couldn’t pull a rabbit out of his hat, so he pulled a hair out of his ass.

Wanna hear a terrible Joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

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If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

I think video games like Call of Duty set a terrible example for children.

There's no lag when you shoot someone in real life.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year?

That was hilarious, wasn't it.

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The priest asks: “What’s wrong?”

The man replies: “My wife is poisoning me.”

The priest, very surprised by this, asks: “How can that be?”


The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

“Tell you what,” the priest offers. “Giv...

[At a restaurant] Her: We need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

A nasty ole gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender growls, "I don't serve gorillas here." The gorilla counters, "You better or I'm gonna do something terrible!"

Unimpressed, the bartender challenges, "Oh yeah! Like what?"

The gorilla points to a women slumped against the bar and responds, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The bartender howls, "Oh no you're not!"

So the gorilla lumbers over to the woman, grabs her by the ankl...

My new girlfriend told me I was terrible in bed...

I think It's pretty unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

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The worst joke I can remember [NSFW] Warning: This joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

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Jack suffered from terrible unrelenting migraines. He'd been to all kind of doctors with no avail.

Finally, he consulted a very controversial migraine specialist.

Doctor: "I know what you're feeling. It's a throbbing sensation in your temples that just doesn't quit. I used to suffer from such headaches too. The best thing for this is oral sex.!!
I would go down on my wife and as she org...

imagine how terrible a granddaughter you have to be

to visit your grandma so infrequently that you can't tell if it's a wolf dressed in her clothes and not her

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

A man gets in a terrible car crash and his vehicle ends up going off the side of a mountain.

It was snowing and the man had broken his leg, lucky for him a group of monks were on the way back to their monastery so they took him with them. While they were healing the man they kept taking him on walks to make sure his leg was healing fine. On his walks he would always pass a golden door, it w...

Terrible Joke

What happens when you give a cat a sickle and hammer?

Not much, they just say:
“Mao”

My Math teacher told me I'm terrible at telling Math jokes.

She was mode to me.



Edit: Medium\*

Edit: Range\*

Edit: Average\*

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns...

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

Doctor: “There has been a terrible accident. Your wife has died...”

Husband: “But she only just went out to get milk...”

Doctor: “I’m so sorry.”

Husband: “I can’t...” No... No...

“I can’t have coffee without milk, I just can’t.”

I tried making a fez but I did a terrible job.

I really look like a dunce.

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible problem

“Doctor, I think I have a problem with my farts. I can pass really loud gas, but no smell would come out of them.”

“That sounds serious. Can you try letting one out now?”

So the man farts, and true to his word, it’s so loud that the exam room’s windows even vibrate.

“Just as I f...

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

My wife's terrible with directions

And I always make fun of her. But tonight I went too far. She got so mad, she packed all her things and right.

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

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A man who is terrible at remembering people's names starts talking to a beautiful woman at a party

They enjoy talking to each other, some sparks happen, and they agree to meet again the next day.

He asks her for her name, and she replies 'Franny'.

He says 'It's been lovely to meet you Franny, my name is John. I'm really looking forward to see you again tomorrow' and they part ways...

A man flying on a plane noticed that this one woman in the other aisle had a terrible-looking baby.

Ugly baby. I mean, a bad-looking baby. The woman caught him staring, and she says, “What are you looking at?” He said, “I’m looking at that ugly baby. That’s a hell of a kid you got there. Don’t worry, no one will steal THAT baby.”

The woman took this as an offence. She calls for the st...

Breaking up over the phone is terrible.

Just try calling back.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Ghosts are terrible liars...

You can see right through them.

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I was watching a terrible porn the other day. It was some lonely fat guy, sitting on a sofa naked, masturbating and crying

Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.

My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction...

So I packed my bags and right

Something terrible occurred in the bathroom

Me: what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain

Roommate: I don’t know what is it

Me: So it was you

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

Terrible pun...

An elderly German couple that own a butcher shop are minding the store one day, selling all sorts of meats and sausages when in walks a man with a bird under his arm.
The shopkeeper asks the man if he can help him and the man says "Yes, I would like to trade this bird for a few of your famous s...

A bus carrying many ugly people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.

The next person can’...

It must've been terrible for some in the LGBT+ community,

Because no one is encouraged to come out now.

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return.

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

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This woman’s at her hairdresser’s, and she says, “I’m going to Rome on holiday.” He says, “Oh really, what airline are you taking?” She says, “Alitalia.” He says, “Alitalia, are you crazy? That’s terrible, don’t take that.”

He says, “Where are you gonna stay?” She says, “I’m gonna stay at The Hassler.” “The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They’re renovating the Hassler. You’ll hear hammering all night long. You won’t sleep. What are you gonna see?” She says, “I think I’m going to try to go to the Vatican.” “The Vatican...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Preferated pages are terrible

Tearable*

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A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

I made a terrible mistake this morning.

I got out of bed.

Members of a synagogue are having a terrible argument...

...Do you stand for the repetition of the Amidah \[prayer\] or do you sit?

Half the congregation says “We always stand.” The other half says, “No, no, no, you sit.”

They’re arguing and screaming at each other. Finally they go see the last surviving founder of the shul. They say, “Mr....

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

I keep hearing this SARS-COVID 19-2 thing is really terrible...

...although we really shoulda predicted it, the sequel is always worse than the original

Doctor: “I have terrible news— you only have 10 to live.”

Patient: Ten!!? Ten what? Ten Years?? Ten months?? Ten Weeks??

Doctor (slowly): Six, Five, Four, Three...

We should take all these terrible chemistry jokes

and barium

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

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So Hitler is down in hell, sitting with some other terrible people...

Stalin: I wish I had more time up there, I feel like I could have done so much more.

Hitler: You know, if I could do it all again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Stalin: That's kind of fucked up...why would you kill a dog?

Hitler: See, I told you no one cares about the jews....

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your terrible word play jokes?

Me: That’s ......a novel idea.

"What a terrible boyfriend!",

an old man said to his wife. A young straight couple was passing by their window in the rain, with the man hogging the umbrella.

"Yeah?" replied the wife, "Well, at least he gets his woman wet!"

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

"Larry, do you think I'm a terrible mother?"

"It's Tommy."

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Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to hell.

When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!

The Virgin Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"

"Yes," fum...

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

TERRIBLE NEWS; My friend has been charged with timeshare fraud and will go to prison...

...two weeks a year for the next twenty years!

What do you call an anti-vaxer's child's terrible twos?

A midlife crisis

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

Paddy's bad day at work...

Paddy the irishman is at work, gets a call from his boss in the office.
paddy goes into the office & takes the call, comes out 5 mins later looking very sad & upset.

The boss says: what on earth happened paddy?

Paddy: The hospital in London just rang up & told me my mo...

Pharaohs almost never farted until it hurt. It was considered a terrible fate

Many called it the curse of Toot-uncommon.

After being inside for months, I decided to go out today.

The graphics were awesome, but the storyline is terrible.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

Her 8-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."...

I said some terrible things about my coworkers newborn

She said he was a week old baby and I thought we were roasting him

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

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WW2. An Italian bishop is visiting a cloisters shortly after the liberation of the country...

He meets with the mother superior and asks her how she and the nuns did during the nazi occupation.

"Oh it was terrible, father. First came the fascists and violated all, but sister Rosa. Then it was the Germans, and they too violated all, but sister Rosa. Then came the partisans ...

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